Entries tagged with “cars” from kotaraindustries.com, the helsinki branch
So there is this guy that I grew up with, let's call him "Boner" to protect his identity. (And because that's what we called him in junior high.) He is not a very clever boy, and he is the only person I know who is stupid enough to fall victim to the Whole Wheat Tornado Toehold Wedge-lock. (This is where his little brother wrestles him to the ground, gives him a super hard wedgie that gives him enough slack to pin Boner's foot to his ass and then pull the underwear waistband over the foot to incapacitate him...the more you struggle, the deeper the wedgie goes. What makes it a "Whole Wheat" variety is that the little brother then shoves a handful of wheat down the underwear, too.)
A few years again when I was living in Fort Worth and Boner was living in Austin, he found a flight that was cheaper leaving out of the DFW airport than Austin, so he decided to drive up to catch his flight...and I let him leave his car at my house for the week he was gone. I decided to make him pay for this service by vandalizing his car.
The First Tagging: The Jock Treatment
Boner and I grew up in a stereotypical small west Texas town, and shoe-polishing was a common occurrence. Usually it was done in the name of school spirit, and the messages scrawled on the car were in relation to some game. I decided that was my theme, and then set about to tagging each window.
This is the first angle that Boner saw of his car when his friend dropped him off, where I put our rival town's team and an inspirational message to get to the state tournament. My spy tells me that Boner saw this and laughed, slightly excited that I went to the trouble to decorate his car:
Here's the passenger side window:
And the driver side window:
My spy tells me that Boner was happy with the prank up to this point...which is the point where he saw what I did to the windshield. You will often see a box drawn around where the driver sits, with an arrow pointing to it that says something like "hottie" or "fox." Well, I put "gimp":
Apparently the second he saw that, his face fell and he proceeded directly to the nearest car wash to clean all the windows off. Halee 1, Boner 0.
The Second Tagging: Eulogizing Selena
Boner was going to be in Dallas to play a show, and he had purposefully not told me about the show because he was afraid I might launch another attack. He was right to be concerned.
In the mid 90s when Selena was murdered, in Texas you would see tons of cars driving around that were decorated in her memory. Every third car on the highway would say "VIVA SELENA" across the back and have her picture in the window. Yes, you see where this is going:
The best part is that they stayed in a Hispanic neighborhood that night and got lots of glares. Halee 2, Boner 0.
The Third Tagging: The Double-Duty Birthday Treatment
After those incidents, Boner issued many idle threats about payback. I decided to finish him off so he could never top me. And I did it on his birthday on his home turf. My spies informed me that his friends were taking him out on his birthday night, meaning his car would be at his house unattended. My accomplice and I drove 4 hours to Austin to launch the next phase of the attack, which would be doubly intense because he had his car AND his van there.
The theme for the van was Satanism/heavy metal:
The theme for the car was to basically advertise that it was for sale:
What I did not get a photo of was the back window, where I wrote the sale price (99 cents) and Boner's real phone number. Then I recruited a potential buyer, and had him harass Boner by phone all night, claiming that Boner was "legally bound to honor the price posted." We waited outside the bar where Boner was all evening, and when he left we high-tailed it to his house with the potential buyer, and had him call again to insist he was on his way with cash money to pick up the car...and then had him start pounding on the door. He lured Boner out into the yard, where my accomplices and I tackled him and punched him in the tummy. Halee 4, Boner 0.
GAME OVER.
A few years again when I was living in Fort Worth and Boner was living in Austin, he found a flight that was cheaper leaving out of the DFW airport than Austin, so he decided to drive up to catch his flight...and I let him leave his car at my house for the week he was gone. I decided to make him pay for this service by vandalizing his car.
The First Tagging: The Jock Treatment
Boner and I grew up in a stereotypical small west Texas town, and shoe-polishing was a common occurrence. Usually it was done in the name of school spirit, and the messages scrawled on the car were in relation to some game. I decided that was my theme, and then set about to tagging each window.
This is the first angle that Boner saw of his car when his friend dropped him off, where I put our rival town's team and an inspirational message to get to the state tournament. My spy tells me that Boner saw this and laughed, slightly excited that I went to the trouble to decorate his car:
Here's the passenger side window:
And the driver side window:
My spy tells me that Boner was happy with the prank up to this point...which is the point where he saw what I did to the windshield. You will often see a box drawn around where the driver sits, with an arrow pointing to it that says something like "hottie" or "fox." Well, I put "gimp":
Apparently the second he saw that, his face fell and he proceeded directly to the nearest car wash to clean all the windows off. Halee 1, Boner 0.
The Second Tagging: Eulogizing Selena
Boner was going to be in Dallas to play a show, and he had purposefully not told me about the show because he was afraid I might launch another attack. He was right to be concerned.
In the mid 90s when Selena was murdered, in Texas you would see tons of cars driving around that were decorated in her memory. Every third car on the highway would say "VIVA SELENA" across the back and have her picture in the window. Yes, you see where this is going:
The best part is that they stayed in a Hispanic neighborhood that night and got lots of glares. Halee 2, Boner 0.
The Third Tagging: The Double-Duty Birthday Treatment
After those incidents, Boner issued many idle threats about payback. I decided to finish him off so he could never top me. And I did it on his birthday on his home turf. My spies informed me that his friends were taking him out on his birthday night, meaning his car would be at his house unattended. My accomplice and I drove 4 hours to Austin to launch the next phase of the attack, which would be doubly intense because he had his car AND his van there.
The theme for the van was Satanism/heavy metal:
The theme for the car was to basically advertise that it was for sale:
What I did not get a photo of was the back window, where I wrote the sale price (99 cents) and Boner's real phone number. Then I recruited a potential buyer, and had him harass Boner by phone all night, claiming that Boner was "legally bound to honor the price posted." We waited outside the bar where Boner was all evening, and when he left we high-tailed it to his house with the potential buyer, and had him call again to insist he was on his way with cash money to pick up the car...and then had him start pounding on the door. He lured Boner out into the yard, where my accomplices and I tackled him and punched him in the tummy. Halee 4, Boner 0.
GAME OVER.
There was the time somebody tried to steal my car from my own driveway in Australia. And then there was this morning...
3:something a.m.
I woke up to the sound of a plastic garbage bin being aggressively rolled out to the curb. I cursed whatever dickhead neighbor decided to put out their trash at 3 o'clock in the morning. Then I remembered that I had forgotten to put my own bin out, and thought about getting up and looking out the window to see if my downstairs neighbors had done it, but I decided to stay in bed.
4:something a.m.
I was never able to fall back to sleep, so I got up and did some work on the computer for a little while, and decided to try to go back to bed since I was getting up at 6:30.
5:something a.m.
I heard somebody talking over a police PA system, and then realized I saw red flashing lights flickering through my curtain. I peeped out the window and saw a few cop cars, a few bashed up cars, and some neighbors in robes. One of the bashed up cars was in my planter box:
5:30ish a.m.
I started composing an email to my landlord to let him know what happened, and it had lots of, "I don't know what's going on, but..." and "I'll go check it out after the cops leave..." and I realized I was being a dumb scared little mouse, and that *I* didn't do anything wrong, so I hitched up some jeans and went out there to investigate and give her the contact info for my landlord.
5:35ish a.m.
So what happened was someone in a Cadillac must have been hauling ass down my street, and crashed their car into the back of a car parked on the curb in front of the western next door neighbors...and pushed that parked car all the way from in front of the neighbor's house right into the wooden planter box out front.
At the scene, the two neighbors in their robes were telling me how lucky they were because there cars were parked right there in the street, too, and this whole domino collision narrowly and miraculously missed both their cars. But...we three were the only ones out there. Where was the driver? "Oh, he split hours ago."
So he left his Caddy unlocked and smashed up in the middle of the street...with a case of Corona in the back seat. The police officer told me that she looked up the owner's driving record, and he had just got his license back after having it suspended for DUI.
7:17 a.m.
After sending them a tip, my local neighborhood news blog posted my report! I am a celebrity and a modern-day hero!!!
3:something a.m.
I woke up to the sound of a plastic garbage bin being aggressively rolled out to the curb. I cursed whatever dickhead neighbor decided to put out their trash at 3 o'clock in the morning. Then I remembered that I had forgotten to put my own bin out, and thought about getting up and looking out the window to see if my downstairs neighbors had done it, but I decided to stay in bed.
4:something a.m.
I was never able to fall back to sleep, so I got up and did some work on the computer for a little while, and decided to try to go back to bed since I was getting up at 6:30.
5:something a.m.
I heard somebody talking over a police PA system, and then realized I saw red flashing lights flickering through my curtain. I peeped out the window and saw a few cop cars, a few bashed up cars, and some neighbors in robes. One of the bashed up cars was in my planter box:
5:30ish a.m.
I started composing an email to my landlord to let him know what happened, and it had lots of, "I don't know what's going on, but..." and "I'll go check it out after the cops leave..." and I realized I was being a dumb scared little mouse, and that *I* didn't do anything wrong, so I hitched up some jeans and went out there to investigate and give her the contact info for my landlord.
5:35ish a.m.
So what happened was someone in a Cadillac must have been hauling ass down my street, and crashed their car into the back of a car parked on the curb in front of the western next door neighbors...and pushed that parked car all the way from in front of the neighbor's house right into the wooden planter box out front.
At the scene, the two neighbors in their robes were telling me how lucky they were because there cars were parked right there in the street, too, and this whole domino collision narrowly and miraculously missed both their cars. But...we three were the only ones out there. Where was the driver? "Oh, he split hours ago."
So he left his Caddy unlocked and smashed up in the middle of the street...with a case of Corona in the back seat. The police officer told me that she looked up the owner's driving record, and he had just got his license back after having it suspended for DUI.
7:17 a.m.
After sending them a tip, my local neighborhood news blog posted my report! I am a celebrity and a modern-day hero!!!
Oh. My. Goodness. On the soul of Jerry Reed, how did I not know about this????
I left out a detail up there. It was on May 15-17, 2007. MY 30TH BIRTHDAY WAS THE SAME DAY AS THE 30TH BIRTHDAY OF SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT AND I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THE BANDIT RUN AND I MISSSSSED IT!!!!!!!!!
But you know what? Just like their was a sequel to Smokey and the Bandit, they're doing it again this year. Vacation plans and birthday present to self for 2008? DONE.
"The good folks at YearOne, along with Restore A Muscle Car, Motortopia, and 78TA.com, have organized the first Bandit Run to commemorate the 30th anniversary of the release of the original Smokey and the Bandit film. It'll be a recreation of the route Burt Reynolds took in that American cinema classic, taking participants from Texarkana, Texas to Atlanta, Georgia, passing through Arkansas, Mississippi, and Alabama along the way. East bound and down, indeed.Smoke. Key. And. The. Bandit. Cross. Country. Road. Trip. Trans. Am. I. Can't. Breathe... Skip to the -6:00 minute mark on this clip to see the part that almost literally made me pass out:
The cruise is open to all makes and models, but Trans Ams are especially coveted, particularly black '76-'81 T/As and SE models. The Bandit Run starts on May 15 and ends in Atlanta on May 17."
I left out a detail up there. It was on May 15-17, 2007. MY 30TH BIRTHDAY WAS THE SAME DAY AS THE 30TH BIRTHDAY OF SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT AND I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THE BANDIT RUN AND I MISSSSSED IT!!!!!!!!!
But you know what? Just like their was a sequel to Smokey and the Bandit, they're doing it again this year. Vacation plans and birthday present to self for 2008? DONE.
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