Entries tagged with “dallas” from kotaraindustries.com, the helsinki branch

Every time I have ever gone to a foreign country and mentioned I lived in Dallas, I always get lots of questions about J.R. and the rest of the Ewings.  When this came up with my Finnish friends here, Tanja told me about an amazing Finnish song that was written about and dedicated to Pamela Ewing.  (A country song, of course!)  Behold:



I will now attempt to translate this song for you.  Please note:

• I do not speak Finnish, so this should be interesting.
  
• This is based off a combination of Google's shady translation engine and my faulty memory of what Tanja explained to me.
• That sound effect in the beginning is a moped engine, and not a chainsaw like I originally thought.  This is Jaakko Teppo, not Jackyl, for god's sake.

"Pamela" - by Jaakko Teppo

"<Gunning a moped engine>
It's Friday night again and I'm on my moped.
I'm going home to watch Dallas on the color TV.
They are so famous and they take bribes.

You will be on the screen,
And I never want to turn it off.

(chorus)
Pam-Pam-Pam-Pam-Pamela!
Oh you, you wonderful you.
Pam-Pam-Pam-Pam-Pamela!
Pam-Pam-Pamela!

Yes, you live a different kind of life.
With all that oil.
And big boobs and bulls.
In Dallas.

(chorus)
Pam-Pam-Pam-Pam-Pamela!
Oh you, you wonderful you.
Pam-Pam-Pam-Pam-Pamela!
Pam-Pam-Pamela!

Lucy is too short.
Sue Ellen drinks too much whiskey.
You are the one I want.

I can offer you a lot.
There is an extra seat on my moped.
Come with me and we will ride through the swamp.
Leaving Dallas behind in a puff of steam smoke."

(chorus)
Pam-Pam-Pam-Pam-Pamela!
Oh you, you wonderful you.
Pam-Pam-Pam-Pam-Pamela!
Pam-Pam-Pamela!

It has been two entire weeks since the Southfork event, and I suppose it has taken me that long to quietly reflect on the evening to the point I can actually write about it.  (I kinda wanted you to think I had run off to have an affair with Bobby, and left you here wondering just like the end of a cliffhanger episode, not to be resolved until the following season...)

In order to preserve all the memories of the night, I decided to do the ol' standby of taking a recorder to tape little snippets of what was going on.  An audiolog, if you will.  And thanks to technology, I was able to do that on my phone and have it all pre-digitized.  The synopsis you will find below contains all the commentary, in my hilariously bad and sickly and scratchy and pre-pubescent voice.  I did not feel good.  But I toughed it out, as this was something I simply could not miss.

And now, the events of November 8th at the 30th Anniversary Dallas Cast Reunion and Barbeque transcribed and recorded for posterity...


"10:58.  We are up and showered and we had our breakfast with Micah and Rachel.  Now we're on our way to Target and then get our beauty sleep."




"2:31.  This is a post-script entry that should have been posted around 9:30 because Brad Stevens.  The co-producer.  Of the event.  At Southfork.  Called me when we were waiting for Micah at breakfast to thank me personally for coming and to make sure that all my friends knew tickets would be available at the door and that it was guaranteed to be the best night of my life."

Note: When the phone rang and I saw the weird area code, somehow deep inside I just knew it was Brad.  Part of me wanted to let it roll to voicemail so I could share the recording with all of you...but the other part of me thought he might be calling about our seats, or better yet, the opportunity to meet some of the cast so I couldn't risk not answering.  Brad was NOT brief this time, he was quite chatty and called me 'sugar'' and 'darlin' ' a lot.




"12 noon.  We're back from our Target adventure and we're laying down for our thirty minute beauty nap."

Note: My voice is sounding a little better here.  And I was way, way, way, way, way too excited to sleep, so the beauty nap did not happen.




"2:25.  We're about to get on the highway to Shashana's house."

Note: I had fully intended to document the shit out of the entire beauty preparation process, in accordance with Michael Maron's Makeover Magic book.  For each step, I was going to take a picture of that page in the book, then of Staci performing the step, then of me performing the step, etc...but this did not happen.




"2:30.  We have decided to take the I-20 route so that we can head up 75 and pass Ewing Avenue."




"3:02.  Ewing Avenue is in one and a quarter mile."




"3:44.  We're at Shashana's.  We're getting everything assembled and ready to go."

Note: Shashana's baby is ridiculously cute.  I was very sad to be sick, because I couldn't hold her and love and snuggle on her.  I just had to look at her from across the room and try not to cough.




"4:03.  We have Shashana and we are in route to Southfork in the Go Green Couriers Toyota Prius in attempt to impress the environmentally conscious and alternative energy proponent, Larry Hagman."




"5:45. Ray Krebbs is giving rides on the helicopter."

Note: I said this wrong.  I was supposed to say: "Ray Krebbs is over there, giving rides," and it was supposed to sound all dirty.  In reality, I later learned it was NOT Ray who was up in the air doing laps.  It was Hagman up in the air in Ross Perot Jr.'s helicopter with a bunch of rich people who were having way too much fun hanging out with ol' JR by themselves, and they did not want to share him.  This contributed directly to what I mention in the 6:44 entry.




"6:44. Things are incredibly behind schedule.  We were supposed to eat 45 minutes ago and JR hasn't even landed.  They just put out a call over the PA system looking for a 'Joy Hall' and said 'Joy, if you could come over here and meet us behind the tree, that'd be good.' "

Note: Originally we were supposed to eat around 6pm, which is still dusk and somewhat light at this time of year in Texas.  By everything was so behind that by the time we ate, it was dark.  No problem for the people in the VIP seats, but for the those of us literally sitting out in the pasture...it meant we could not even see our plates.  Oh well, the BBQ was good.  But the flakiness of the apple cobbler made me have a stupid coughing fit (one of many of the evening).




"6:52.  I just went to the restroom in the nicest portable toilet I have ever witnessed in my life.  It is an original Kohler restroom and you wouldn't even know that it was a port-a-let if they didn't have to tell you which button to push to flush the toilet.  Thank you, bye!"

Note: I don't know why I said "bye" here.  I had been served a few whiskeys at this point (to help my cough), and I think I got confused talking into my phone and treated this particular entry like it was a voicemail message. I also like I worked in all the various synonyms for "port-a-potty."




"7:32.  I just returned from the bartender station.  And while I was there, Larry Hagman stepped out onto the balcony and waved at all of us and took photos of all of us.  And then the bartender proceeded to tell me that allegedly Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are going to be making an appearance this evening."

Note: Although this is retarded, it's not completely out of the realm of possibility because Brad Pitt WAS on Dallas in some of the later seasons as Jenna Wade's daughter Charlie's boyfriend.  And allegedly he and Angelina were shooting in Shreveport which is not all that far away.  No, nevermind, you're right.  This IS retarded.




"7:34.  Lucy just stepped out onto the balcony, but she stepped right back in.  I'm sure she's having sex with someone."

Note: Later in the Q&A, someone called Lucy and Ray out for having sex in the first season, and then it later being revealed that Ray was Jock's illegitimate son, meaning he was her half uncle.  Charlene Tilton explained: "Well, we honestly hoped you guys wouldn't remember what happened in that first season."




"8:20.  Somebody asked Patrick Duffy their question during the Q&A round and said: "Now that I've got my competition up there, I want to ask my girlfriend from Ontario, Canada.  Now that I've got my competition up there, now that I've got my competition up there, Patrick Duffy...Andrea, will you marry me?"  And I'm going to go throw up now."

Note: You can hear Bobby/Patrick Duffy answering questions in the background of this clip.  I think he thought the proposal was stupid, too, and quickly tried to move on to the next question.  One of the best questions of the night was for Sue Ellen, which was: "The Ewings were one of the richest families in the country, and had a fine fleet of cars.  JR had his Mercedes.  Bobby had his Mercedes.  Lucy had her little Porsche.  Why on earth were you driving a Ford station wagon??"  Linda Gray had an excellent answer, "I was a drunk, that's why!"




"12:30.  We're home.  And I have a lot of Southfork dust in me and I want to go to sleep now.  Bye."



Over the next few days, there was a lot of coverage in the news about how upset and disappointed people were with the event.  Refunds were demanded.  People were hunting down the guy from the production company, and he was hiding in a hotel room with the phone disconnected.  My friend Brad Stevens was quoted in the Dallas Morning News as being "devastated". Another article in the Dallas Observer went into a little more detail about what exactly went wrong.  It was mainly the VIP people who got ripped off.  Those of us in the pasture weren't promised as much, so there wasn't as much to be pissed about.  Although it wasn't the 100% most magically perfect evening I imagined, I still had a wonderful time.  Pictures on Flicker here...

Back in August, I bought 2 tickets to the big Dallas/Ewing/Southfork celebration that's coming up in November.  (One for me, one for my sister.)  A few weeks ago, I ended up getting a third ticket for my friend Shashana...and spent two days on the phone trying to get a hold of someone who could answer some questions about seating so that I could be sure that the 3 of us could sit together even if our tickets weren't purchased in the same bundle.  No one could give me a straight answer, so I just took a chance and trusted we could work it all out when we arrived at Southfork Ranch on night of the event.

Today, almost 3 full weeks later, I finally get my call returned.  (!?)  And it was the strangest voicemail message I think I have ever received.  The voice had creepily perfect diction, and the message started like this:

"Hi Halee, my name is Brad Stevens and I'm the co-producer of an event.  Called the Dallas 30th Anniversary Cast Reunion.  And Ewing Barbeque.  At Southfork."

Brad Stevens talks weird.  He puts full stops.  Where there should just be pauses.  Maybe Brad Stevens.  Is a recording?

"I'm noticing that you have a question about seat-ing.  For three of you.  And whether your third friend who may be joining you will be available to sit.  Together.  Or will be allowed to."

I'm pretty sure my friend is available to sit, Brad.

"The general answer, Halee, is: I think so...but I would like to visit with you a little bit.  BRIEFLY.  If you get a chance.  You can call me.  We'll have a BRIEF chat."

What are you trying to tell me, Brad?  You don't want to have a nice long whispery talk with me for hours and hours, where we both fall asleep on the phone together?  Okay.  I think I can keep our conversation BRIEF.  Unlike your voicemail. 

P.S. Listen for yourself...

My sister Staci sent me the most amazing news this morning, which is that there will be a really-real, true life barbeque at Southfork Ranch in Dallas in November.  JR will be there.  Sue Ellen will be there.  Bobby will be there.  And by god...I will be there!!

They are having a big 30th anniversary cast reunion and barbeque. And even though I made a promise to myself a while ago that I should quit being so impulsive and running off to do retarded things without thinking about them...fuck that, I'm half-tempted to buy one of the $500 seats so I can be that much closer to Larry!  (And admittedly, to get the extra drink ticket.)

I'm gonna go and I'm gonna wear way too much blush and then I'm gonna drink whiskey and punch somebody out and then push them into the pool off the balcony and then go have sex in one of the barns and then get married and then get put in a sanitarium and then get pregnant with JR's baby and then blackmail him into buying me a condo and then get Bobby to finance a boutique for me to operate and then fake my own death in a plane crash.  Basically, I'm going to experience every single plotline from the 13 year series in that one night.  I have a lot to plan.

This is a bit of a rip-off entry for those of you who knew me in my diaryland days, because I've already posted this topic.  Which is that Jock Ewing from Dallas looks remarkably like one of the urRu mystics from The Dark Crystal:



But suddenly, this is super-relevant because I just learned about a new website called TotallyLooksLike.com!  Where a whole community of people sit around and dream up (and document) stupid shit like this!  I just submitted this matchup for approval, so watch their site to see if my observation is worthy...

And now I have to go find some full-body images of Venus Williams and a sleestak.  Bye.


.......


Update!  Forget about Venus, I have a much better tennis-to-creature comparison:  Rafael Nadal and Trogdor!  Rafa, your arm is ridiculously huger than the other one!

So if you know me, you probably know I'm mildly obsessed with the show "Dallas" and that I'm constantly renting it off Netflix, and then locking myself in my house for 6 hours chunks of time because I can't stop watching it until the DVD is over.  It's awesome because that show was built on the cliffhanger principle, but with DVD technology, I can totally thwart that and watch the next episode seconds later.  (Except the end of season 3 when J.R. got shot.  I made myself wait the whole summer before I rented season 4, just so I would have to wait in intense agony like everyone else did that summer of 1980 or whenever that was.)

One of the problems with watching "Dallas" is that nothing is really ever going to surprise me.  I know most of the big plot points just from being alive when this was on.  And Wikipedia certainly doesn't help when I try to look up a certain actor and my eyes accidentally see a line that says, "And Miss Ellie marries Clayton Farlow in season 7..."

Speaking of season 7, I just finishing the last DVD of that set, which ends like this:



And even though I already totally knew that Bobby gets shot, and I totally knew it was in season 7, and I totally knew that this was the last episode of season 7....as I was sitting here in my house in my quiet neighborhood with all the windows open, and I screamed out "BOBBBBBBBYYYYYYYYY!!!" as if someone had just shot him in my own arms.  Maybe I should take a little hiatus, I might be getting a little too into it.  Again.

I'm not entirely sure how it happened, but I never saw "The Blues Brothers" ever in my life.  Jackie called me randomly today during work, informing me that it was playing for one night only (tonight!) at the Metro.  I didn't have anything better to do...and she chatted it up quite a bit, insisting it was the best movie ever made, surpassing even "The Princess Bride," "The Outsiders," and "Look Who's Talking."

Oh my goodness, I had no idea how epic a film that was!!  I really thought it was just a dumb SNL movie filmed in a bunch of bars.  I didn't know there was a plot, or a record amount of car chases.  And crashes!  I will admit that I was laughing a lot, and sometimes dancing, and sometimes squealing in my seat with delight.  But of all the things to be excited about or impressed with...what impressed me most were the cameos.  And I'm not talking about John Candy or Steven Spielberg or the captain from "21 Jump Street."  That's not what I freaked out about.  I freaked out...

....about the massive number of cameos of people with bit parts on "Dallas"!!!  Okay, not massive.  But two!

Dallas Cameo #1: Walt Driscoll

In the scene where Jake and Elwood crash the fancy restaurant where their old trumpet player is working, I knew I was supposed to keep my eyes peeled for Pee Wee Herman.  I was not expecting to see the former chairman of the Office of Land Management, Walt Driscoll! 



I just finished the series of episodes where Walt succumbed to JR's bribes and granted him those oil variances, and then had to skip the country, then wound up being JR's conduit to illegally sell oil to the embargoed Cuba.  Then when JR double-crossed him, Walt later went on to try to murder JR via vehicular manslaughter only to accidentally ram into the JR's Mercedes when Sue Ellen was driving it drunk.  And Lucy's boyfriend (and Ray Krebb's cousin) Mickey was in the car trying to save Sue Ellen, and was injured the most severely out of everyone
and will probably be paraplegic (haven't gotten to that resolution yet, Season 8 is coming soon) and the guilt ate Walt up so bad that he committed suicide.

Dallas Cameo #2: Carl Daggett

Just as I was remarking that Bob's Country Bunker reminded me a whole lot of Porky's, suddenly Carl Daggett shows up as the leader of the Good Ole Boys band!



Carl, as you may remember, was instrumental in helping Bobby sway the opinion of George Hicks, who was the only man in the state who could rescind the aforementioned oil variances that Driscoll granted to JR.  You see, Carl ran a stable of very fine and willing ladies, one of whom they used as bait to blackmail Hicks.

Some completely unrelated, yet fascinating trivia on the actor who portrayed Carl Daggett:

Charles gave up a lucrative career as a professional squaredancer to move to Hollywood.

Linguistic findings from my trip to Sweden a few weeks ago:

• The literal translation of the title of the Swedish version of "Cinderella" is "Ash Kid."
  
• In Sweden they weren't called "The Golden Girls."  They were called "Panther Ladies!!!"

Tally of various celebrations I attended in Sweden a few weeks ago, despite only being there for 6 days:

• One 50th birthday party in a barn
  
• One 1st birthday party on a patio
• One 26th birthday party in a regular house
  
• One wedding party in a big Valhalla-style banquet hall
  

Photographic findings from my trip to Sweden a few weeks ago:

• Go to my Flickr photo set, and note that I went to the trouble of making it into a bit of a narrative so you'd know what was going on.
  

Videographic bonus from my trip to Sweden a few weeks ago, where my friends surprised me at their wedding by forcing the band to learn how to play the theme song from "Dallas" in my honor: