kotaraindustries.com, the seattle branch

If you've ever met my father, you know that he is very silly and very hard of hearing.  He's had trouble hearing since his 30s as a result of being around so much loud farm equipment, so it's been a long time since he's heard things properly.  This means that certain words that he uses aren't exactly 100% correct.

Here is a brief glossary of terms to help when trying to translate what my dad is saying in regular English.  This post will be updated periodically to add new terms as Dad invents/misuses them.

"allergetic" = allergic

"congenialogist" = congenial person

"novelist" = novice

"jerry jones" = sharon stone

"rotary cuff" = rotator cuff

"tri-semester" - trimester

"trivula" = trivia

This is the third in a series of posts where I document the various stereotypes I observe in weird situations.  First I focused on the various characters at adults-only skate night, then on the personalities I observed at adult summer tennis camp.  Today I would like to focus on yard sale folk.  Jackie had a yard sale this weekend, and I hung out all day to try to help out.  Here are the personalities that emerged...

The Swooper

• Tactic: to bum-rush the tables and load up on as much merchandise as possible
  
• Purchases made: Mongolian hat, wooden bucket full of fake dusty fruit (with spigot on basket), every tiny crappy knickknack that you expected to throw in the garbage at the end of the day, a basket to carry it all away
  
• Total spent: $40 (mostly on items that cost less than $1)
  

The Opportunist

• Tactic: to purchase items that are possibly collectible (unbeknownst to the yard sale giver) and resell on eBay for a profit
  
• Purchases made: vase, tea set
  
• Total spent: $10

The Repeat Customer

• Tactic: to casually look around, buy some sunglasses because it was sunny, disinterestedly leave....and then return later to buy something random and retarded
  
• Purchases made: sunglasses, mirror that shows variations of facial hair
  
• Total spent: $5.50

The Scam Artist

• Tactic: to aggressively haggle for a bulk deal, and after the price is set...continue picking up items and insist they were part of the original bulk agreement
  
• Purchases made: used beauty products
  
• Total spent: $3
  

The Thorough Shopper

• Tactic: to spend 3 hours looking through every individual item available, try on all the clothes, comment on every single item, want additional information on every single item, and buy only one or two things
  
• Purchases made: a wire cart
  
• Total spent: $10
  

The Bored Neighbor

• Tactic: to come over just to say hello and ask how things are going, and then end up buying something
  
• Purchases made: television
  
• Total spent: $25
  

The Disappointed Guy Who Comes for One Ultra Specific Thing

• Tactic: to show up at the end of the day after everything has been picked over and ask if you have something specific, like a green table lamp with a beige lampshade...and then leave disappointedly when you don't have it
  
• Purchases made: none
  
• Total spent: $0
  

The Ulterior Motive

• Tactic: to act as though they are there to browse, and within 30 seconds of arriving ask if they can use the toilet inside your house
  
• Purchases made: one necklace
  
• Total spent: $0.50

There is a really neato data visualization tool called Wordle that takes a bunch of words and then assembles them by size to denote the most frequently-used words.  Christina was dorking around on it today, and sent me the summary of this very blog.

I present the kotaraindustries.com wordle:



Yes.  "Valentine Goats."  This is apparently the phrase that summarizes what Kotara Industries is all about.  I will adjust the mission statement accordingly.

I also like:

• Frustrated Sprinkle Pony
• Hawaii Flair
• Intrigued Meat Hair
• Then believe, Halee
  

Lately I have been very frustrated with the etiquette in the ladies' room at work.  Frustrated enough that I have been considering printing up signs to hang on the door, quoting a needlepoint that used to be hanging over the toilet at our local small town grocer's:

If you sprinkle when you tinkle
Be a sweetie and wipe the seatie

Only I will have to slightly modify it to read:

If you sprinkle when you tinkle
Be a sweetie and wipe the seatie*

* also applies to pubic hair

Gross.

Daniel gave me the coolest gift(s) ever in the form of a big fat stack of wrestling magazines from the mid-80s.  These are pure gold.  Allow me to transcribe a letter to the editor in its entirety from the July 1986 issue of "Wrestling's Main Event: The #1 Magazine for Mat Fans Today!"

Brutus Takes the Cake

This is an open letter to Brutus Beefcake.  I've been watching you for quite a while, and I've seen you progress a lot in that time.  My only complaint is that I feel that you need to somehow get out of the Valentine partnership and try to find yourself.  By finding yourself I mean that Valentine has established himself as a man of various styles whereas you have not done so yet.

All the critics say that Valentine is "carrying" you through the matches.  I don't think this is very fair of them.  What they are talking about is variety.  Valentine has, to name a few, the Figure-Four Leglock, the Elbow Smash, and the Shoulderbreaker.  Your only move is the "Flying Knee."

If it seems that I am condemning you, you are wrong.  I am only trying to look out for you and hope that you can take a little constructive criticism.  In the future I hope that you will try to work harder on your moves and less on your image.

So what do you say, Brutus, do you show the world your wrestling knowledge or do you let them go on bad-mouthing you?  Whether you believe it or not, there is somebody out there waiting for you to show the world exactly what you've got.

Love,

Mom

Okay.  The "mom" part is a lie.  But the article where Ric Flair and Tully Blanchard throw a retirement party for Dusty Rhodes without his knowledge/permission is not a lie.  Nor is the article where the Sheik has a tummy ache and drinks camel's milk to settle his tummy.

I just approached my co-worker Min Ho in the hallway, and for whatever reason I felt the need to do a series of karate kicks in his general direction.

He stopped.

Then he looked at me funny.

Then we had this exchange:

Min Ho: "Are you assuming that I know martial arts because I'm Asian?"
Halee:   "YEAH!"
Min Ho: "Okay, then I guess I'm bringing you a banjo tomorrow."

I was recently alerted to the existence of fainting goats, and I am obviously intrigued:



I also learned that fainting goats have many other names, including:

• Myotonic Goats
• Tennessee (Meat) Goats
• Nervous Goats
• Stiff-leg Goats
• Wooden-leg Goats
• Tennessee Scare Goats

And also that "when startled, younger goats will stiffen and fall over. Older goats learn to spread their legs or lean against something when startled, and often they continue to run about in an awkward, stiff-legged shuffle."

So consider this official notice that the miniature pony ranch I will be running in Hawaii when I retire will now be the "Kotara Industries Miniature Pony and Myotonic Goat Ranch." 

Oh my goodness, what if miniature fainting goats exist somewhere out there!?  Or maybe I can cross-breed my miniponies with the scaregoats??  Miniatonic Ponygoats?

Background Fact #1: The new roller derby season started up, and this season is particularly exciting because they are having the bouts at a new venue.  Previously they were all at a drafty ol'  military hangar out at Magnusson Park, and you basically had to sit on the concrete or on the super uncomfortable aluminum bleachers.  But now?  Key Arena!  Former home of the Seattle Supersonics!  Excitement!  Cushioned tiered seating!  Lights!  Production value!

Background Fact #2: Every roller derby team has a gimmick and a gimmicky mascot.  One of the teams has a space theme, and they all wear black and silver and have celestial-type names.  Inexplicably, their mascot is a small-framed troll of a guy who wears silver boots, carries a leopard-print scepter, has greasy hair, yellow rat teeth, and wears a bunch of Mr. T-style necklackes (but silver) and a set of black coveralls unzipped down to the...well...unzipped WAY too low.  I will not dignify his existence by mentioning his name or posting a photo, just know that he is vile and makes my skin crawl.  Apparently the only words in his vocabulary are "rat" and "city" and "throttle" and "rockets."  And he continually shouts those words into his bullhorn.  (Note: I usually shout back: "ZIP UP YOUR DAMN JUMPSUIT!!!")

Background Fact #3: Jackie loooves to give me hell about this guy. 

So there we were, or more accurately, there Jackie was on the front row at the bout.  I was sitting about 10 rows back with the boy, and suddenly I saw my little Jackie up on the Titantron!?!  One of the announcers was interviewing fans to get their take on the new venue, and she went right up to Jackie on the front row and asked what she thought of Key Arena.  My friend!  On the giant screen!  I know her!  It was very exciting.  Jackie nervously whispered, "It's great." Then announcer lady asked, "Could you be any more vague?"  To which Jackie replied, "It's really great?"

Then after her nervousness wore off and Jackie realized she now had an 'in' with the announcer, an evil little thought crept into her head...

The next thing I know, the announcer lady is calling over the aforementioned mascot to pass along a "message" that Jackie has just given her.  So over the PA system at Key Arena in front of 5,000 people, I suddenly hear: "Hey, [insert mascot's name here], your biggest fan is out there and wants to say hello.  Where are you, Halee?  Stand up and wave!!  Halee?"

...

...

I cowered harder than I have ever cowered in my life.  And that mascot had so much hope in his beady little eyes as he panned the crowd to make eye contact with his alleged biggest fan...but little did he know that the girl he was looking for was essentially laying on the sticky floor to avoid detection, and sending Jackie a text message that said: "You suck harder than anyone has ever sucked ever."

The end.

So there is this boy that I have a crush on, and I get teased endlessly at work about it because he's a client.  I haven't worked with him directly much, but I finally had reason to email him several weeks ago, and I worded it very carefully and professionally so as not to reveal that I'm hot for him.  I introduced myself and included some "in case you don't remember me" lines and alluded that I worked closely with Leslie, who he has worked with quite a bit and knows pretty well.  Then I asked him for the favor that I needed, and he responded with this email:


Two minutes later, Leslie appears on the IM:


So there it is, people...the new emoticon of the moment.  The "I'm grumpy and have something in my eye":

;(

Also known as "The Jack Elam":

1. I used to hide money in my Eddie Money CD case.
   
   
2. One summer as a child, I decided to build a time machine out of spare tractor parts from my dad's shed. I truly, truly, truly believed it would work, and that the important part was to spray it with starter fluid when I was ready to go. I was going to go back to the 1850s, because I wanted to wear a big fancy hoop dress.
   
   
3. When I'm home alone, I talk to myself. Constantly. I'm sure my downstairs neighbors must think I am on the phone ALL THE TIME. I hope they don't realize that I'm talking to the TV, my computer, my dinner, etc. Sometimes when I walk to the bus in the morning, I catch myself talking to myself out loud.
   
   
4. I had a prophetic dream about my sister Lindy's first pregnancy. I knew she was pregnant before she did.
   
   
5. Even though I am 31 years old, any time I pass a pasture with horses in it, I still squeal: "PONIES!!"
   
   
6. I sometimes have irrational panicky moments where I just *know* I'm going to find snakes in places where snakes shouldn't be: the shower, the refrigerator, glovebox, etc.
   
   
7. I never learned to drive standard. This is one of the things I am most ashamed of in my life.
   
   
8. I was once hired to work in the office of Cowtown Truck Driving School in Fort Worth, but when I showed up, the guy who hired me had quit and no one else had any idea who I was or why I was there.
   
   
9. I cry at almost every single Grand Slam tennis tournament trophy ceremony. Double especially when Federer wins and/or cries.
   
   
10. I regret not ever helping my dad out on the farm. I'm the sorriest excuse for a farm girl ever, and if I could do it all over again I would change that. I desperately wish I knew how to drive a tractor and do mechanic work and vaccinate cattle and ride horses. I think I would be a much smarter and more interesting person if I had.
    
    
11. Despite what everyone thinks, I actually don't like black metal music at all. I admit to being totally fascinated with the mythology and sociology and criminology surrounding the black metal movement, but I find the actual music completely unlistenable.
    
    
12. My dad's twin sister went to the convent and was almost a nun. My dad's older brother studied at seminary and was almost a priest. Neither went through with final vows.  CORRECTION TO ORIGINAL POST - My aunt actually was a full-blown nun for 10 years!
    
    
13. In the event of a zombie apocalypse, I don't think I would be brave enough to fight back or run. I think I would probably just throw myself towards the zombies and get them to bite me and just get it over with.
    
    
14. I can crack just about every joint in my body.
    
    
15. As a child, I pretended that I ran an HR office for a medical practice. I had all sorts of application forms for various types of doctors: bone doctors, brain doctors, blood doctors, etc. The applications consisted of yes/no questions like: "Do you have the skills for this job?" My sisters would humor me and fill out these applications so I could process them.
    
    
16. I keep a list in a keepsake box of all the boys I've ever kissed. It's on the same piece of paper as when I started the list when I was 14.
    
    
17. I don't get that much pleasure out of food. I mean, I definitely enjoy yummy and/or familiar foods, but typically new and exotic foods cause me more stress than excitement. If you told me I had to live on bread and water for the rest of my life, I would be okay with that. Maybe even relieved.
    
    
18. Back in the days when you didn't know what bands looked like, I imagined that David Lee Roth looked like Ralph from Happy Days.
    
    
19. I once met the Honky Tonk Man in Shamrock, Texas. He was wearing a wind suit with boat shoes.
    
    
20. During my very very very very brief (and unsuccessful) skater betty phase, I had my friend paint my skateboard deck John Deere green with the logo on it.
    
    
21. I won just about every single spelling contest in my district from about 1987-1995.
    
    
22. I have never been in a fight.
    
    
23. I have never broken a bone.
    
    
24. I have never had stitches.
    
    
25. I can't figure out how to tag 25 people. It's only letting me tag 10. Quit making me look stupid, Facebook!
    
    and as my friend Corbett so kindly appended...
    
    
26. Halee owns a Star Trek uniform.