Hula Hoop University

Last Thanksgiving when I was home in Texas, my sister Lindy and I got really silly (read: drunk) and went downstairs to play with all the toys my mom keeps around the house for my various nieces.  This includes about 5 hula hoops.  We decided to hula hoop as long as we could, which was for about 0.1 microseconds per turn.  But by God, we kept trying for 30 minutes or so...and the next day I was sore from my armpits to my hips.  I had an epiphany: hula hooping is way more fun and effective than my 1986 VHS copy of Denise Austin's "Rock Hard Tummies!"

So I bought a dinky plastic hula hoop at Archie McPhee's, and started practicing while I watched TV.  I don't have six pack abs or anything, but it's good clean fun and good clean exercise. 

About a month ago I was talking to my friend Joy who had simultaneously and randomly also started hula hooping in her adult life.  She had found a meetup group in Austin who congregate in parks and hula hoop together, and she got me way excited to find something similar in Seattle.  Three internet searches and one credit card transaction later, I found myself enrolled in a hula hoop class at Sonny Newman's Dance Hall on Friday nights.

I just got back from my second class and I have this to say:

• The secret to hula hooping as an adult is to get a hula hoop made for adults.  The reason those bratty kids are so much better at it is that those dinky light hoops are made for their dinky-ass bodies.  We need ones that are bigger around (both around our bodies and the actual tube itself) and are heavy enough to create adult-sized momentum.
  
  
• I bought one of these hoops, and it's obnoxiously purple and blue and neon green.  I chose it because it looks like a 1980s snake.  Remember Rude Dog and the Dweebs?  Kinda like that.
  
  
• Although the heavier hoop absolutely makes it easier to keep going, it also means my shins are covered in bruises.  And after trying to learn the "Wild West" move where you grab it from behind your back and twirl it up and around like a lasso...I might have a mild concussion, too.
  
  
• Beware of hula hoop instructors, as they tend to be crossovers from yoga and Pilates, and will potentially try to infuse new age bullshit into your decidedly 1950s exercise routine.  Examples:
  
  
• Flip flops and toe rings.  Fuck that.  We should all be wearing saddle oxfords and pleated skirts.
• Before every class, we have to state our "intentions."  The instructor's is always some hippie bullshit about connecting her body and spirit.  Mine is "to be able to hula hoop for 10 minutes straight so I can win the contest at the county jamboree, and then ask Buzz to the Sadie Hawkins dance!"
• Today at the end of class, she made us all stand together, placing our hoops together to create a tunnel.  Then one by one, she made us crawl through the hoop tunnel shouting out what our intention for that class had been.  All while 20 people anxious for Tango Night to begin were staring at us.

In conclusion, hula hooping is totally fun and totally good for building a strong tummy, but try to learn it on your own instead of from hippies, or next thing you know you're going to be doing a routine at Burning Man with a hoop made out of hemp.  Beware.