An Open Letter to Shelley Long About the Dangers of Cookie Time

Dear Shelley Long,

You owe me $6.99 as a form of reimbursement for the accident that occurred on 11th Street between Pike and Union yesterday in Capitol Hill.  Although you were not present, the accident was entirely your fault.  Do you remember this scene from the 1989 movie "Troop Beverly Hills?"



If it weren't for your performance in this scene, the accident would have never happened.  Here is a breakdown of the events as they occurred:

• 8:30pm - Matt and I went to the grocery store to buy booze and materials for making banana pudding.  One of these materials was a box of Nila Wafers, which we found in the cookie aisle.  This prompted us to start singing variations of the "Cookie Time" song above, including one called "Cookie Aisle."
  
  
• 8:35pm - Matt and I embarked on the 1 mile walk back to his house.  I was carrying the plastic sack with two bottles of red wine, one box of instant banana creme pudding, one box of Mini Nila Wafers, and one Disney Princess chocolate bar.  Matt was carrying a 12 pack of Miller Lite in each hand, and prophetically alluded to the poor cardboard quality of the 12 pack boxes.
  
  
• 8:37pm - During this entire walk, Matt and I were very excited about the pudding and Nila Wafers, and continued to sing the chorus of "Cookie Time" repeatedly and loudly through the streets.
  
  
• 8:38pm - I began to lament that I could not remember anything but the chorus of the "Cookie Time" song, and wished that I could remember some of the actual verses.  Suddenly, I remembered when you, Shelley Long, ad-libbed during a break of the song in a deep baritone voice: "A box of them would be so ni-ii-ce..." 
  
  
• 8:38:10pm - I sang "A box of them would be so ni-ii-ce..." in MY deep baritone voice, and at that exact instant one of the 12 pack boxes of Miller Lite ripped and cans of Miller Lite began to roll all over the sidewalk.
  
  
• 8:38:15pm - It was at this point where everything was happening so fast that it all becomes a blur.  Matt and I were laughing hysterically, both at the baritone line about cookies being so nice, and at the fact that we just dropped beers all over the street. A group of well-dressed and rather intoxicated young people approached Matt to help him pick up the beer cans.  At the same time, I doubled over laughing and, intending to set the plastic bag on the sidewalk to either help pick up the cans or to catch my breath, I managed set the bag down with enough force that it CRACKED one of the bottles of wine.  Wine spilled into the gutter of the street AND all over my WHITE shoes.
  
  
• 8:38:20pm - Matt and I breathlessly tried to thank these young people for their help and explain what had happened, and we managed to say something about the accident being related to Troop Beverly Hills and implicating you, Shelley Long, in the accident.  One of the girls in the group immediately started chanting, "Beverly Hills...what a thrill!  Beverly Hills...what a thrill!" 
  

In conclusion, we managed to save all the beer but lost one bottle of wine, which has a street value of $6.99, which is the amount you, Shelley Long, now owe me.  Lucky for you, we ran my white shoes through the washing machine and all the wine came out, so that saved you from owing me another $50, although it could be argued that you owe Matt a pro-rated amount for the water and detergent used.  We are willing to cut you some slack on this, assuming of course you produce and star in a public service announcement about the dangers of "Cookie Time."

Thank you for your prompt attention in this matter,

Halee
cc: Matt
cc: Jenny Lewis