November 2008 Archives

I am currently reading a book on some of the most colorful senators in the history of the United States.  Some of these men were fantastic orators, and their quick wit often seems to have displayed itself on the Senate floor in the form of some major burns on their opposing senators.

Thomas Hart Benton was the senator from Missouri in the mid-1800s.  He was a huge believer in the Union and of manifest destiny, and a tough son of a bitch to boot.  (One sentence describes, "True, he had not killed a man since his early days in St. Louis...")  As Missouri was a slave state, poor Benton became a fairly unpopular figure during negotiations for the Compromise of 1850, as he became frustrated with the requirements to only annex states in pairs of slave/free states (so as not to disrupt the balance in Congress), as he felt this was halting westward progress and was caving to sectional pettiness and not the greater good of the Union.

Blah blah, there's your history lesson.  Now time for the insults.

He had an intense rivalry with Senator Henry Foote of Mississippi, who threatened to tarnish Hart's name:

"I intend to write a small book in which l'affaire Benton would play a leading role."

To which Benton replied:

"Tell Foote that I shall write a very large book in which he will not figure at all!"

To which I replied:

"Ooooh!! BURN!"

It has been two entire weeks since the Southfork event, and I suppose it has taken me that long to quietly reflect on the evening to the point I can actually write about it.  (I kinda wanted you to think I had run off to have an affair with Bobby, and left you here wondering just like the end of a cliffhanger episode, not to be resolved until the following season...)

In order to preserve all the memories of the night, I decided to do the ol' standby of taking a recorder to tape little snippets of what was going on.  An audiolog, if you will.  And thanks to technology, I was able to do that on my phone and have it all pre-digitized.  The synopsis you will find below contains all the commentary, in my hilariously bad and sickly and scratchy and pre-pubescent voice.  I did not feel good.  But I toughed it out, as this was something I simply could not miss.

And now, the events of November 8th at the 30th Anniversary Dallas Cast Reunion and Barbeque transcribed and recorded for posterity...


"10:58.  We are up and showered and we had our breakfast with Micah and Rachel.  Now we're on our way to Target and then get our beauty sleep."




"2:31.  This is a post-script entry that should have been posted around 9:30 because Brad Stevens.  The co-producer.  Of the event.  At Southfork.  Called me when we were waiting for Micah at breakfast to thank me personally for coming and to make sure that all my friends knew tickets would be available at the door and that it was guaranteed to be the best night of my life."

Note: When the phone rang and I saw the weird area code, somehow deep inside I just knew it was Brad.  Part of me wanted to let it roll to voicemail so I could share the recording with all of you...but the other part of me thought he might be calling about our seats, or better yet, the opportunity to meet some of the cast so I couldn't risk not answering.  Brad was NOT brief this time, he was quite chatty and called me 'sugar'' and 'darlin' ' a lot.




"12 noon.  We're back from our Target adventure and we're laying down for our thirty minute beauty nap."

Note: My voice is sounding a little better here.  And I was way, way, way, way, way too excited to sleep, so the beauty nap did not happen.




"2:25.  We're about to get on the highway to Shashana's house."

Note: I had fully intended to document the shit out of the entire beauty preparation process, in accordance with Michael Maron's Makeover Magic book.  For each step, I was going to take a picture of that page in the book, then of Staci performing the step, then of me performing the step, etc...but this did not happen.




"2:30.  We have decided to take the I-20 route so that we can head up 75 and pass Ewing Avenue."




"3:02.  Ewing Avenue is in one and a quarter mile."




"3:44.  We're at Shashana's.  We're getting everything assembled and ready to go."

Note: Shashana's baby is ridiculously cute.  I was very sad to be sick, because I couldn't hold her and love and snuggle on her.  I just had to look at her from across the room and try not to cough.




"4:03.  We have Shashana and we are in route to Southfork in the Go Green Couriers Toyota Prius in attempt to impress the environmentally conscious and alternative energy proponent, Larry Hagman."




"5:45. Ray Krebbs is giving rides on the helicopter."

Note: I said this wrong.  I was supposed to say: "Ray Krebbs is over there, giving rides," and it was supposed to sound all dirty.  In reality, I later learned it was NOT Ray who was up in the air doing laps.  It was Hagman up in the air in Ross Perot Jr.'s helicopter with a bunch of rich people who were having way too much fun hanging out with ol' JR by themselves, and they did not want to share him.  This contributed directly to what I mention in the 6:44 entry.




"6:44. Things are incredibly behind schedule.  We were supposed to eat 45 minutes ago and JR hasn't even landed.  They just put out a call over the PA system looking for a 'Joy Hall' and said 'Joy, if you could come over here and meet us behind the tree, that'd be good.' "

Note: Originally we were supposed to eat around 6pm, which is still dusk and somewhat light at this time of year in Texas.  By everything was so behind that by the time we ate, it was dark.  No problem for the people in the VIP seats, but for the those of us literally sitting out in the pasture...it meant we could not even see our plates.  Oh well, the BBQ was good.  But the flakiness of the apple cobbler made me have a stupid coughing fit (one of many of the evening).




"6:52.  I just went to the restroom in the nicest portable toilet I have ever witnessed in my life.  It is an original Kohler restroom and you wouldn't even know that it was a port-a-let if they didn't have to tell you which button to push to flush the toilet.  Thank you, bye!"

Note: I don't know why I said "bye" here.  I had been served a few whiskeys at this point (to help my cough), and I think I got confused talking into my phone and treated this particular entry like it was a voicemail message. I also like I worked in all the various synonyms for "port-a-potty."




"7:32.  I just returned from the bartender station.  And while I was there, Larry Hagman stepped out onto the balcony and waved at all of us and took photos of all of us.  And then the bartender proceeded to tell me that allegedly Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are going to be making an appearance this evening."

Note: Although this is retarded, it's not completely out of the realm of possibility because Brad Pitt WAS on Dallas in some of the later seasons as Jenna Wade's daughter Charlie's boyfriend.  And allegedly he and Angelina were shooting in Shreveport which is not all that far away.  No, nevermind, you're right.  This IS retarded.




"7:34.  Lucy just stepped out onto the balcony, but she stepped right back in.  I'm sure she's having sex with someone."

Note: Later in the Q&A, someone called Lucy and Ray out for having sex in the first season, and then it later being revealed that Ray was Jock's illegitimate son, meaning he was her half uncle.  Charlene Tilton explained: "Well, we honestly hoped you guys wouldn't remember what happened in that first season."




"8:20.  Somebody asked Patrick Duffy their question during the Q&A round and said: "Now that I've got my competition up there, I want to ask my girlfriend from Ontario, Canada.  Now that I've got my competition up there, now that I've got my competition up there, Patrick Duffy...Andrea, will you marry me?"  And I'm going to go throw up now."

Note: You can hear Bobby/Patrick Duffy answering questions in the background of this clip.  I think he thought the proposal was stupid, too, and quickly tried to move on to the next question.  One of the best questions of the night was for Sue Ellen, which was: "The Ewings were one of the richest families in the country, and had a fine fleet of cars.  JR had his Mercedes.  Bobby had his Mercedes.  Lucy had her little Porsche.  Why on earth were you driving a Ford station wagon??"  Linda Gray had an excellent answer, "I was a drunk, that's why!"




"12:30.  We're home.  And I have a lot of Southfork dust in me and I want to go to sleep now.  Bye."



Over the next few days, there was a lot of coverage in the news about how upset and disappointed people were with the event.  Refunds were demanded.  People were hunting down the guy from the production company, and he was hiding in a hotel room with the phone disconnected.  My friend Brad Stevens was quoted in the Dallas Morning News as being "devastated". Another article in the Dallas Observer went into a little more detail about what exactly went wrong.  It was mainly the VIP people who got ripped off.  Those of us in the pasture weren't promised as much, so there wasn't as much to be pissed about.  Although it wasn't the 100% most magically perfect evening I imagined, I still had a wonderful time.  Pictures on Flicker here...

6:00am
Woken up by my phone ringing and shaking off the table.  I couldn't answer it in time, but excitedly checked the message thinking my long overdue pregnant friend finally went into labor.  No.  It was my credit card's fraud department calling to check if I had purchased thousands of dollars of Liz Claiborne and QVC Cosmetics merchandise this morning at 4am.  For the record, I hadn't.  Interesting way to start Election Day...with fraud.  I guess that's better than ENDING the day with fraud, like in 2000!

8:00am
Finally got out of bed, checked my email, and was greeted with this amazing and uplifting (and hopefully prescient) video clip:



8:30am
Working from home today so I can go to the polls at an off-peak time, and so I can be here in front of the TV at 3 when they start announcing east coast results.  Did some real-American work, like a real hard-working American.  Did not go so far as to put on any Bruce Springsteen music, but did play Hulk Hogan's theme "I am a Real American."

9:30am
Time to set the voting mood!  I have very little patriotic music, so I opted for my mom's old baton twirling record that has lots of brass heavy marching band music on it:



10:00am
Time to suit up.  From top to bottom:

• Star sparkle dangly earrings
• Red bandana kerchief
• Blue tshirt
• Blue ski jacket
• Red skirt
• Blue tights
• Gray cowboy boots

I also opted to do one more dry run of my 80s glamour makeup.  I look ready to make an important political decision. 

10:10am
Time to go do this!

• Driver's license?  Check.
• Voter registration card?  Check.
• Ballot research crib sheet?  Check!

10:15am
Started a load of laundry on my way out to the polls, because real Americans are multi-taskers!!!  (I think that is a verse in the Hulk Hogan song?)

10:17am
On the way to the VFW, listened to one of the few political songs I have, a personal favorite called "Jimmy Carter Says Yes":

"Can our government?  Be competent?
Jimmy Carter says yes, Jimmy Carter says yes.
Can our government?  Be honest?
Jimmy Carter says yes, Jimmy Carter says yes.
Can our government be decent and open?
As the 39th president...he has spoken, yes...
Jimmy Carter says yes."

(download here...)

10:25am
Had to step over some drunk hobos to get to the door of the VFW, where I was promptly greeted with a large American flag and a smiling woman.  She directed me to the proper line, and I was checked in.

10:30am
Surprised to see that all the voting booths were paper-based, except for one lone electronic booth.  I chose the lone electronic booth.

10:38am
Ballot cast!!  Slightly disappointed no one offered me a congratulatory "I VOTED TODAY!" sticker.  I loitered around for a minute thinking someone would offer me a sticker, or at least some candy.  Nothing.  I returned home, listening to the Violent Femme's "America Is..."

3:00pm
Decided to consult my new Tandy Executive Decision Maker (which is essentially a 70s corporate version of a magic 8 ball) on whether or not Obama will win.  It wishiwashily predicted victory:



5:00pm
Leslie and I went on a run to Cupcake Royale to collect our complimentary babycake cupcake in honor of Election Day.  I picked up this sticker to make up for the lack of stickers at the polls:



There was another that said "I support frostitution," but this one seemed more historically appropriate for today.

7:00pm
Refreshing nytimes.com every 12 seconds to see the latest scores.

7:45pm
Starting to feel the swing of the pendulum, excitement building...it is a wonderful feeling to know that your vote actually counted.  I have never felt this emotion before, as Texas has gone Republican every presidential election since I was born.  It's fun living in a blue state!  Whoo blue!

7:50pm
Can't decide which network to watch, I've settled on ABC for the moment because I like Gibson, Sawyer, and Stephanopoulos.  I just flipped over to CBS to check on Katie Couric, and all I saw was a chicken walking down the street at night, so I immediately changed back to ABC.

8:00pm
The Peruvian shamans hex on McCain worked!!!  Barack took him!  Holy shit, America!!!!!  I haven't felt this proud of America since the Supreme Court upheld Larry Flynt's first amendment rights!!!!!

8:02pm
Good job, America.  And good night.

Friday was Halloween, and it was a mighty slow day at work.  Lots of people worked from home that day, my costume was crap, I didn't have much to work on, and so I started drinking beers out of the office fridge around 3pm.  I got a little tipsy and was happy to find some of my Texas friends on IM, so I was typing along and giggling and not 100% paying attention when I got this error message from Microsoft Outlook:






Apparently I tried to snooze a meeting for "eye" minutes.  And Microsoft did not like.

This entry is dedicated to Staci and Shashana...may the wisdom of Michael Maron help transform you into your best and most glamourous 80s self next Saturday night at the Ewing Barbeque!

In mentally preparing for my makeup, hair, and wardrobe next week for the Oil Baron's Ball / Ewing Barbeque / Dallas 30th Anniversary and Cast Reunion, I kept finding myself longing for a book my mom used to have that contained makeovers of lots of 80s celebrities.  The main reason I remember the book is the pages and pages of before/after celebrity makeover photos.  The most memorable was the one of Phyllis Diller.  Mainly because her "before" shot terrified me:


Anyway, Mom mailed the book to me last week, and now I will attempt to summarize its most essential contents.  Originally I was just going to put this in an email to Staci and Shashana, but I thought the rest of you might benefit from 1983 celebrity makeover advice.  Here are the 10 easy steps!

STEP 1: Blemish Cover

"With your middle finger¹, gently dot a small amount of neutralizer cream on the areas you wish to conceal." "Most cosmetic companies offer an off-white cover-up cream or stick that only causes red spots to turn a lighter pink.  I recommend yellowish cream neutralizer, which covers the red."

STEP 2: Concealer

"With your middle finger², apply a few dots of concealer to the dark areas of your face.  Use a flesh-tint eye shadow crayon to lighten any expression lines you want to diminish." "If you need it, apply the concealer to the bluish gray area directly under the eyes, around the outside of the nostrils, below the corners of the mouth, and on the crease of the chin." "Apply to dark areas only, and blend carefully with your middle finger³."

"Using a latex sponge and liquid foundation, dot your forehead, cheeks, nose, and chin with foundation.  Again using your sponge, smooth the dots of makeup out towards your hairline, and down towards your neck, covering your entire face ever so lightly with foundation." "Don't forget to apply foundation to your eyelids, nostrils, and lips.  The coverage should end just below the jawline."

STEP 4: Highlighter

"With your fingertips, apply three dots of highlighter cream above each cheekbone.  To blend, pat -- don't rub -- with your middle finger⁴, extending the highlighter toward the temple." "Since highlighter reflects light, it will make your cheekbones appear more prominent." "For dramatic evenings, you might like the effect of an iridescent powder or gel used on your cheekbones, on the brow bone, or just above your brows."

STEP 5: Contour Shadow

"Suck in your cheeks and apply a thin band of contour shadow cream in the hollow under your cheekbones and place a small dot on each temple. With your middle finger⁵, blend the contour shadow cream diagonally outward toward the ears. Keep blending until you see a subtle shadow." "Always remember that any light area appears to come forward, while dark areas seem to recede." "A contour shadow should be a very neutral color, a cross between brown and gray, with no red or yellow undertones." "It should be about two shades darker than your foundation, any darker and you'll look as if you have a dirty face rather than one that's nicely contoured." "Be careful not to blend the shadow up into the highlight cream."

STEP 6: Face Powder

"Using just the tips of the sable bristles of your wide brush, dust translucent face powder all over your face.  Stroke across your forehead, around the eyes, nose, mouth, and chin.  Don't forget the eye sockets and neck." "Use a minimal amount of powder, as too much can accentuate lines."

STEP 7: Blusher

"Smile.  Find the fullest part -- or the "apple" -- of your cheek.  With your large sable brush, apply powder blusher on the "apple", just between the highlighter and above the contour shadow.  Avoid blending blusher directly under the eye." "With the brush, blend upward and outward towards the ears, but do not blend higher than the top of the ear or lower than the ear lobes.  Blend until color fades into the hairline.  Use a cotton ball to continue blending the blusher until you have achieved a delicate, natural-looking glow.  Blusher should always be used subtly." "When wearing a low neckline, you might like a bit of blusher on the sides of the neck and in the cleavage."

STEP 8: Eye Makeup

	"Using a small sable brush and pressed powder eye shadow, draw a thick line of shadow across the crease of your eyelid, starting at the inside corner and extending to the outer corner, and form small triangle of shadow that points toward your temple." "Blend with your brush.  Then, with a sharpened eye liner pencil, first line your lower lids, starting at the outside corner, along and just below the lash line, stopping the line in the center of your lower lid." "Smudge the line with your little finger or with a cotton swab.  With the same pencil, line the entire upper lid, beginning at the inner corner of the eye and working toward the outer corner.  Darken the triangle at the outer corner of the eye with additional eye liner pencil, then smudge."
	"With a black eye liner pencil, line the upper inner lid." "If your eyes are very small, you can make them appear larger by lining the lower inner lids with a white pencil." "Using a small sable brush, apply color to the center of the lid."
	"Using a sable brush, apply a small amount of shadow to the brow bone.  Blend downward toward the crease shadow." "Curl the eyelashes.  Apply two coats of brown or black mascara to both upper and lower lashes."

STEP 9: Eyebrows

"Brush brows upward with an eyebrow brush or with a child's toothbrush.  Apply eyebrow pencil with short strokes in the same direction in which the hair grows.  Blend with a finger or cotton swab."

STEP 10: Lip Color

"Before applying lip liner, define the crest of the upper lip with a light beige lip liner pencil." "Before applying color, make sure your mouth is covered with foundation and powder." "The shade of lip liner you buy should be as close to your natural lip color as possible.  Draw the line right on your own lip line." "Fill in your outlined lips with the lip color, extending just to the outline but not over it."

So I think important things to remember here to make you look as glam and as 80s as possible are:

1. contour shadow
2. thick eyeliner on the lower lid that begins in the center and goes out to the edge
3. dark eye shadow on the outside/light eyeshadow on the inside
4. thick/dark eyebrows
   and most importantly...
5. APPLY EVERYTHING WITH YOUR MIDDLE FINGER!