December 2008 Archives
Seattle is a winter wonderland right now...or maybe it's more accurate to say Seattle is a WINTER DEATH TRAP. It started snowing last Thursday, and it has been frozen and/or snowed upon more ever since. I decided to put myself under house arrest on the first bad day. Here I am 7 days later, still locked in my house, still staring out the window at a shit ton of snow...and there is more to come.
This is turning out to be the most pathetic Christmas ever. My sister Staci was supposed to come visit and we were going to go up to Vancouver to the wrestling matches and to the 5 pin bowling alley...but it's just too treacherous so she's scrapped her trip. So this Christmas I will be eating leftover stew all by my lonesome, mumbling Christmas carols to myself at the table.
Ooh, the neighbor is out on his bobcat again! My favorite part of the day!
The other hilarious thing is that people are just slapping on their cross-country skis and skiing to the store:
I didn't take those photos, of course, I am far too chicken to even step out on my porch.
This is turning out to be the most pathetic Christmas ever. My sister Staci was supposed to come visit and we were going to go up to Vancouver to the wrestling matches and to the 5 pin bowling alley...but it's just too treacherous so she's scrapped her trip. So this Christmas I will be eating leftover stew all by my lonesome, mumbling Christmas carols to myself at the table.
Ooh, the neighbor is out on his bobcat again! My favorite part of the day!
The other hilarious thing is that people are just slapping on their cross-country skis and skiing to the store:
I didn't take those photos, of course, I am far too chicken to even step out on my porch.
So there is this guy that I grew up with, let's call him "Boner" to protect his identity. (And because that's what we called him in junior high.) He is not a very clever boy, and he is the only person I know who is stupid enough to fall victim to the Whole Wheat Tornado Toehold Wedge-lock. (This is where his little brother wrestles him to the ground, gives him a super hard wedgie that gives him enough slack to pin Boner's foot to his ass and then pull the underwear waistband over the foot to incapacitate him...the more you struggle, the deeper the wedgie goes. What makes it a "Whole Wheat" variety is that the little brother then shoves a handful of wheat down the underwear, too.)
A few years again when I was living in Fort Worth and Boner was living in Austin, he found a flight that was cheaper leaving out of the DFW airport than Austin, so he decided to drive up to catch his flight...and I let him leave his car at my house for the week he was gone. I decided to make him pay for this service by vandalizing his car.
The First Tagging: The Jock Treatment
Boner and I grew up in a stereotypical small west Texas town, and shoe-polishing was a common occurrence. Usually it was done in the name of school spirit, and the messages scrawled on the car were in relation to some game. I decided that was my theme, and then set about to tagging each window.
This is the first angle that Boner saw of his car when his friend dropped him off, where I put our rival town's team and an inspirational message to get to the state tournament. My spy tells me that Boner saw this and laughed, slightly excited that I went to the trouble to decorate his car:
Here's the passenger side window:
And the driver side window:
My spy tells me that Boner was happy with the prank up to this point...which is the point where he saw what I did to the windshield. You will often see a box drawn around where the driver sits, with an arrow pointing to it that says something like "hottie" or "fox." Well, I put "gimp":
Apparently the second he saw that, his face fell and he proceeded directly to the nearest car wash to clean all the windows off. Halee 1, Boner 0.
The Second Tagging: Eulogizing Selena
Boner was going to be in Dallas to play a show, and he had purposefully not told me about the show because he was afraid I might launch another attack. He was right to be concerned.
In the mid 90s when Selena was murdered, in Texas you would see tons of cars driving around that were decorated in her memory. Every third car on the highway would say "VIVA SELENA" across the back and have her picture in the window. Yes, you see where this is going:
The best part is that they stayed in a Hispanic neighborhood that night and got lots of glares. Halee 2, Boner 0.
The Third Tagging: The Double-Duty Birthday Treatment
After those incidents, Boner issued many idle threats about payback. I decided to finish him off so he could never top me. And I did it on his birthday on his home turf. My spies informed me that his friends were taking him out on his birthday night, meaning his car would be at his house unattended. My accomplice and I drove 4 hours to Austin to launch the next phase of the attack, which would be doubly intense because he had his car AND his van there.
The theme for the van was Satanism/heavy metal:
The theme for the car was to basically advertise that it was for sale:
What I did not get a photo of was the back window, where I wrote the sale price (99 cents) and Boner's real phone number. Then I recruited a potential buyer, and had him harass Boner by phone all night, claiming that Boner was "legally bound to honor the price posted." We waited outside the bar where Boner was all evening, and when he left we high-tailed it to his house with the potential buyer, and had him call again to insist he was on his way with cash money to pick up the car...and then had him start pounding on the door. He lured Boner out into the yard, where my accomplices and I tackled him and punched him in the tummy. Halee 4, Boner 0.
GAME OVER.
A few years again when I was living in Fort Worth and Boner was living in Austin, he found a flight that was cheaper leaving out of the DFW airport than Austin, so he decided to drive up to catch his flight...and I let him leave his car at my house for the week he was gone. I decided to make him pay for this service by vandalizing his car.
The First Tagging: The Jock Treatment
Boner and I grew up in a stereotypical small west Texas town, and shoe-polishing was a common occurrence. Usually it was done in the name of school spirit, and the messages scrawled on the car were in relation to some game. I decided that was my theme, and then set about to tagging each window.
This is the first angle that Boner saw of his car when his friend dropped him off, where I put our rival town's team and an inspirational message to get to the state tournament. My spy tells me that Boner saw this and laughed, slightly excited that I went to the trouble to decorate his car:
Here's the passenger side window:
And the driver side window:
My spy tells me that Boner was happy with the prank up to this point...which is the point where he saw what I did to the windshield. You will often see a box drawn around where the driver sits, with an arrow pointing to it that says something like "hottie" or "fox." Well, I put "gimp":
Apparently the second he saw that, his face fell and he proceeded directly to the nearest car wash to clean all the windows off. Halee 1, Boner 0.
The Second Tagging: Eulogizing Selena
Boner was going to be in Dallas to play a show, and he had purposefully not told me about the show because he was afraid I might launch another attack. He was right to be concerned.
In the mid 90s when Selena was murdered, in Texas you would see tons of cars driving around that were decorated in her memory. Every third car on the highway would say "VIVA SELENA" across the back and have her picture in the window. Yes, you see where this is going:
The best part is that they stayed in a Hispanic neighborhood that night and got lots of glares. Halee 2, Boner 0.
The Third Tagging: The Double-Duty Birthday Treatment
After those incidents, Boner issued many idle threats about payback. I decided to finish him off so he could never top me. And I did it on his birthday on his home turf. My spies informed me that his friends were taking him out on his birthday night, meaning his car would be at his house unattended. My accomplice and I drove 4 hours to Austin to launch the next phase of the attack, which would be doubly intense because he had his car AND his van there.
The theme for the van was Satanism/heavy metal:
The theme for the car was to basically advertise that it was for sale:
What I did not get a photo of was the back window, where I wrote the sale price (99 cents) and Boner's real phone number. Then I recruited a potential buyer, and had him harass Boner by phone all night, claiming that Boner was "legally bound to honor the price posted." We waited outside the bar where Boner was all evening, and when he left we high-tailed it to his house with the potential buyer, and had him call again to insist he was on his way with cash money to pick up the car...and then had him start pounding on the door. He lured Boner out into the yard, where my accomplices and I tackled him and punched him in the tummy. Halee 4, Boner 0.
GAME OVER.
Almost one week ago, I experienced the pleasure and glory of seeing Mr. Bruce Lorne Campbell do a Q&A after a screening of his new movie "My Name is Bruce." This is the second celebrity Q&A I have been to since moving to Seattle (the other was Crispin Glover, but that experience traumatized me to the point I never wrote about it). But Bruce did not traumatize me. Bruce entertained and delighted me, as expected.
First, they showed his new movie "My Name is Bruce" which is about Bruce Campbell playing a character named Bruce Campbell. He has to save a small town called Gold Lick from a Chinese demon named "Guan-di". Interestingly, the Guan-di demon also moonlights as the patron saint of bean curd, and as you can imagine, that becomes his Achilles heel which allows Bruce to save Gold Lick and banish Guan-di back to wherever Guan-di came from.
Once it was over, we all applauded extra loudly knowing HE was listening...and suddenly he came sprinting from the back of the theatre to the front. He was amazing. Bruce bravely and aptly single-handedly handled the audience...moderating all the questions himself and being all-around ridiculously charming and great. A few gems:
First, they showed his new movie "My Name is Bruce" which is about Bruce Campbell playing a character named Bruce Campbell. He has to save a small town called Gold Lick from a Chinese demon named "Guan-di". Interestingly, the Guan-di demon also moonlights as the patron saint of bean curd, and as you can imagine, that becomes his Achilles heel which allows Bruce to save Gold Lick and banish Guan-di back to wherever Guan-di came from.
Once it was over, we all applauded extra loudly knowing HE was listening...and suddenly he came sprinting from the back of the theatre to the front. He was amazing. Bruce bravely and aptly single-handedly handled the audience...moderating all the questions himself and being all-around ridiculously charming and great. A few gems:
- "It's not every actor who gets the chance to portray Elvis Presley with cancer of the penis."
- "If anyone needs an old west town, I have one on my property now. With a livery stable and everything." (He built the town of Gold Lick there on his own land. Gold Lick is not on Google Maps. YET.)
- After
someone accused him of tailoring some answer to a rather liberal
Seattle audience..."oh, you think I'm pandering to this audience? I
would never do that. Hey, anyone want to go get vegetarian after?"
- Question from the crowd: "What are the fans like overseas?"
Bruce's solid gold answer: "Smelly."
Well, that photo and the 12 consecutive hours of "Burn Notice" I've watched on hulu since I learned he's on that show.
Sorry in advance...
INSTRUCTIONS
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
....
....
....
IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
"When You're Hot You're Hot, When You're Not...You're Not" (Jerry Reed)
WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
"German Centaurs (Bake Good Bread)" (The Dutch Treats)
WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
"Wasted and Ready" (Ben Kweller)
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
"Crazy Baby" (Gene Maltais)
WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
"Thursday's Child" (David Bowie)
WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
"Take My Breath Away" (Berlin)
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
"Popcorn" (Arling and Cameron)
WHAT IS 2+2?
"Right Next Door to Hell" (Guns 'N Roses)
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
"Girl Germs" (Bratmobile)
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"Kill the DJ" (Ralph Myerz and the Jack Herren Band)
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
"Whorehoppin'" (Eagles of Death Metal)
oh great...
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
"Sorrow" (David Bowie)
David Bowie...quit whorehoppin' this whole list!
WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"Heat of the Moment" (Asia)
WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
"I Think I See the Light" (Cat Stevens)
WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
"Sea and Sand" (The Who)
This should be an interesting dance since 85% of this song is waves crashing and seagulls chirping...
WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
"Ars Moriendi" (Mr. Bungle)
This should be an interesting funeral since 100% of this song is random sound effects and Mike Patton burping and grunting...
WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
"Hunger" (Red Shadow: The Economics Rock & Roll Band)
WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
"Sunday Bloody Sunday" (U2)
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
"Stardust Fanfare" (Katamari Damacy)
WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
"Jingle Bell Rock" (The Roller Disco Orchestra)
WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
"U and I" (Vitalic)
WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
"Webster Theme Song: Then Came You" (Madeline Sunshine and Steve Nelson)
WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
"I Eat Cannibals" (Total Coelo)
WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
"Listen to the Band" (The Monkees)
WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
"Poliisi Pamputtaa Taas" (Eppu Normaali)
Finnish for "police bludgeon again..."
DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
"Tribute" (Tenacious D)
IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
"Jack-Ass" (Beck)
WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
"Domino Dancing" (Pet Shop Boys)
WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
"Don't Shit Where You Eat" (Ween)
INSTRUCTIONS
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
....
....
....
IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
"When You're Hot You're Hot, When You're Not...You're Not" (Jerry Reed)
WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
"German Centaurs (Bake Good Bread)" (The Dutch Treats)
WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
"Wasted and Ready" (Ben Kweller)
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
"Crazy Baby" (Gene Maltais)
WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
"Thursday's Child" (David Bowie)
WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
"Take My Breath Away" (Berlin)
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
"Popcorn" (Arling and Cameron)
WHAT IS 2+2?
"Right Next Door to Hell" (Guns 'N Roses)
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
"Girl Germs" (Bratmobile)
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"Kill the DJ" (Ralph Myerz and the Jack Herren Band)
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
"Whorehoppin'" (Eagles of Death Metal)
oh great...
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
"Sorrow" (David Bowie)
David Bowie...quit whorehoppin' this whole list!
WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"Heat of the Moment" (Asia)
WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
"I Think I See the Light" (Cat Stevens)
WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
"Sea and Sand" (The Who)
This should be an interesting dance since 85% of this song is waves crashing and seagulls chirping...
WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
"Ars Moriendi" (Mr. Bungle)
This should be an interesting funeral since 100% of this song is random sound effects and Mike Patton burping and grunting...
WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
"Hunger" (Red Shadow: The Economics Rock & Roll Band)
WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
"Sunday Bloody Sunday" (U2)
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
"Stardust Fanfare" (Katamari Damacy)
WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
"Jingle Bell Rock" (The Roller Disco Orchestra)
WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
"U and I" (Vitalic)
WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
"Webster Theme Song: Then Came You" (Madeline Sunshine and Steve Nelson)
WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
"I Eat Cannibals" (Total Coelo)
WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
"Listen to the Band" (The Monkees)
WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
"Poliisi Pamputtaa Taas" (Eppu Normaali)
Finnish for "police bludgeon again..."
DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
"Tribute" (Tenacious D)
IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
"Jack-Ass" (Beck)
WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
"Domino Dancing" (Pet Shop Boys)
WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
"Don't Shit Where You Eat" (Ween)
