February 2009 Archives

I was recently alerted to the existence of fainting goats, and I am obviously intrigued:



I also learned that fainting goats have many other names, including:

• Myotonic Goats
• Tennessee (Meat) Goats
• Nervous Goats
• Stiff-leg Goats
• Wooden-leg Goats
• Tennessee Scare Goats

And also that "when startled, younger goats will stiffen and fall over. Older goats learn to spread their legs or lean against something when startled, and often they continue to run about in an awkward, stiff-legged shuffle."

So consider this official notice that the miniature pony ranch I will be running in Hawaii when I retire will now be the "Kotara Industries Miniature Pony and Myotonic Goat Ranch." 

Oh my goodness, what if miniature fainting goats exist somewhere out there!?  Or maybe I can cross-breed my miniponies with the scaregoats??  Miniatonic Ponygoats?

Background Fact #1: The new roller derby season started up, and this season is particularly exciting because they are having the bouts at a new venue.  Previously they were all at a drafty ol'  military hangar out at Magnusson Park, and you basically had to sit on the concrete or on the super uncomfortable aluminum bleachers.  But now?  Key Arena!  Former home of the Seattle Supersonics!  Excitement!  Cushioned tiered seating!  Lights!  Production value!

Background Fact #2: Every roller derby team has a gimmick and a gimmicky mascot.  One of the teams has a space theme, and they all wear black and silver and have celestial-type names.  Inexplicably, their mascot is a small-framed troll of a guy who wears silver boots, carries a leopard-print scepter, has greasy hair, yellow rat teeth, and wears a bunch of Mr. T-style necklackes (but silver) and a set of black coveralls unzipped down to the...well...unzipped WAY too low.  I will not dignify his existence by mentioning his name or posting a photo, just know that he is vile and makes my skin crawl.  Apparently the only words in his vocabulary are "rat" and "city" and "throttle" and "rockets."  And he continually shouts those words into his bullhorn.  (Note: I usually shout back: "ZIP UP YOUR DAMN JUMPSUIT!!!")

Background Fact #3: Jackie loooves to give me hell about this guy. 

So there we were, or more accurately, there Jackie was on the front row at the bout.  I was sitting about 10 rows back with the boy, and suddenly I saw my little Jackie up on the Titantron!?!  One of the announcers was interviewing fans to get their take on the new venue, and she went right up to Jackie on the front row and asked what she thought of Key Arena.  My friend!  On the giant screen!  I know her!  It was very exciting.  Jackie nervously whispered, "It's great." Then announcer lady asked, "Could you be any more vague?"  To which Jackie replied, "It's really great?"

Then after her nervousness wore off and Jackie realized she now had an 'in' with the announcer, an evil little thought crept into her head...

The next thing I know, the announcer lady is calling over the aforementioned mascot to pass along a "message" that Jackie has just given her.  So over the PA system at Key Arena in front of 5,000 people, I suddenly hear: "Hey, [insert mascot's name here], your biggest fan is out there and wants to say hello.  Where are you, Halee?  Stand up and wave!!  Halee?"

...

...

I cowered harder than I have ever cowered in my life.  And that mascot had so much hope in his beady little eyes as he panned the crowd to make eye contact with his alleged biggest fan...but little did he know that the girl he was looking for was essentially laying on the sticky floor to avoid detection, and sending Jackie a text message that said: "You suck harder than anyone has ever sucked ever."

The end.

So there is this boy that I have a crush on, and I get teased endlessly at work about it because he's a client.  I haven't worked with him directly much, but I finally had reason to email him several weeks ago, and I worded it very carefully and professionally so as not to reveal that I'm hot for him.  I introduced myself and included some "in case you don't remember me" lines and alluded that I worked closely with Leslie, who he has worked with quite a bit and knows pretty well.  Then I asked him for the favor that I needed, and he responded with this email:


Two minutes later, Leslie appears on the IM:


So there it is, people...the new emoticon of the moment.  The "I'm grumpy and have something in my eye":

;(

Also known as "The Jack Elam":

1. I used to hide money in my Eddie Money CD case.
   
   
2. One summer as a child, I decided to build a time machine out of spare tractor parts from my dad's shed. I truly, truly, truly believed it would work, and that the important part was to spray it with starter fluid when I was ready to go. I was going to go back to the 1850s, because I wanted to wear a big fancy hoop dress.
   
   
3. When I'm home alone, I talk to myself. Constantly. I'm sure my downstairs neighbors must think I am on the phone ALL THE TIME. I hope they don't realize that I'm talking to the TV, my computer, my dinner, etc. Sometimes when I walk to the bus in the morning, I catch myself talking to myself out loud.
   
   
4. I had a prophetic dream about my sister Lindy's first pregnancy. I knew she was pregnant before she did.
   
   
5. Even though I am 31 years old, any time I pass a pasture with horses in it, I still squeal: "PONIES!!"
   
   
6. I sometimes have irrational panicky moments where I just *know* I'm going to find snakes in places where snakes shouldn't be: the shower, the refrigerator, glovebox, etc.
   
   
7. I never learned to drive standard. This is one of the things I am most ashamed of in my life.
   
   
8. I was once hired to work in the office of Cowtown Truck Driving School in Fort Worth, but when I showed up, the guy who hired me had quit and no one else had any idea who I was or why I was there.
   
   
9. I cry at almost every single Grand Slam tennis tournament trophy ceremony. Double especially when Federer wins and/or cries.
   
   
10. I regret not ever helping my dad out on the farm. I'm the sorriest excuse for a farm girl ever, and if I could do it all over again I would change that. I desperately wish I knew how to drive a tractor and do mechanic work and vaccinate cattle and ride horses. I think I would be a much smarter and more interesting person if I had.
    
    
11. Despite what everyone thinks, I actually don't like black metal music at all. I admit to being totally fascinated with the mythology and sociology and criminology surrounding the black metal movement, but I find the actual music completely unlistenable.
    
    
12. My dad's twin sister went to the convent and was almost a nun. My dad's older brother studied at seminary and was almost a priest. Neither went through with final vows.  CORRECTION TO ORIGINAL POST - My aunt actually was a full-blown nun for 10 years!
    
    
13. In the event of a zombie apocalypse, I don't think I would be brave enough to fight back or run. I think I would probably just throw myself towards the zombies and get them to bite me and just get it over with.
    
    
14. I can crack just about every joint in my body.
    
    
15. As a child, I pretended that I ran an HR office for a medical practice. I had all sorts of application forms for various types of doctors: bone doctors, brain doctors, blood doctors, etc. The applications consisted of yes/no questions like: "Do you have the skills for this job?" My sisters would humor me and fill out these applications so I could process them.
    
    
16. I keep a list in a keepsake box of all the boys I've ever kissed. It's on the same piece of paper as when I started the list when I was 14.
    
    
17. I don't get that much pleasure out of food. I mean, I definitely enjoy yummy and/or familiar foods, but typically new and exotic foods cause me more stress than excitement. If you told me I had to live on bread and water for the rest of my life, I would be okay with that. Maybe even relieved.
    
    
18. Back in the days when you didn't know what bands looked like, I imagined that David Lee Roth looked like Ralph from Happy Days.
    
    
19. I once met the Honky Tonk Man in Shamrock, Texas. He was wearing a wind suit with boat shoes.
    
    
20. During my very very very very brief (and unsuccessful) skater betty phase, I had my friend paint my skateboard deck John Deere green with the logo on it.
    
    
21. I won just about every single spelling contest in my district from about 1987-1995.
    
    
22. I have never been in a fight.
    
    
23. I have never broken a bone.
    
    
24. I have never had stitches.
    
    
25. I can't figure out how to tag 25 people. It's only letting me tag 10. Quit making me look stupid, Facebook!
    
    and as my friend Corbett so kindly appended...
    
    
26. Halee owns a Star Trek uniform.
    

A buddy of mine has worked for several hotels over the years, and when he learned how much I like tennis, he told me an awesome story about the time Venus Williams stayed at one of the hotels he worked at.

He ended up parking the Williams car one day, and there was something poking him in the back that had gotten stuck in the seat.  He dug around in the seat for it and found himself holding a guest pass ID card to the tournament grounds.  A VIP guest pass for a special member of the Williams family.

A photo ID card for Venus's fucking dog:



Awesome.