My Name Was Broadcast Over the PA System at Key Arena, Yet I Hated It
Background Fact #1: The new roller derby season started up, and this season is particularly exciting because they are having the bouts at a new venue. Previously they were all at a drafty ol' military hangar out at Magnusson Park, and you basically had to sit on the concrete or on the super uncomfortable aluminum bleachers. But now? Key Arena! Former home of the Seattle Supersonics! Excitement! Cushioned tiered seating! Lights! Production value!
Background Fact #2: Every roller derby team has a gimmick and a gimmicky mascot. One of the teams has a space theme, and they all wear black and silver and have celestial-type names. Inexplicably, their mascot is a small-framed troll of a guy who wears silver boots, carries a leopard-print scepter, has greasy hair, yellow rat teeth, and wears a bunch of Mr. T-style necklackes (but silver) and a set of black coveralls unzipped down to the...well...unzipped WAY too low. I will not dignify his existence by mentioning his name or posting a photo, just know that he is vile and makes my skin crawl. Apparently the only words in his vocabulary are "rat" and "city" and "throttle" and "rockets." And he continually shouts those words into his bullhorn. (Note: I usually shout back: "ZIP UP YOUR DAMN JUMPSUIT!!!")
Background Fact #3: Jackie loooves to give me hell about this guy.
So there we were, or more accurately, there Jackie was on the front row at the bout. I was sitting about 10 rows back with the boy, and suddenly I saw my little Jackie up on the Titantron!?! One of the announcers was interviewing fans to get their take on the new venue, and she went right up to Jackie on the front row and asked what she thought of Key Arena. My friend! On the giant screen! I know her! It was very exciting. Jackie nervously whispered, "It's great." Then announcer lady asked, "Could you be any more vague?" To which Jackie replied, "It's really great?"
Then after her nervousness wore off and Jackie realized she now had an 'in' with the announcer, an evil little thought crept into her head...
The next thing I know, the announcer lady is calling over the aforementioned mascot to pass along a "message" that Jackie has just given her. So over the PA system at Key Arena in front of 5,000 people, I suddenly hear: "Hey, [insert mascot's name here], your biggest fan is out there and wants to say hello. Where are you, Halee? Stand up and wave!! Halee?"
...
...
I cowered harder than I have ever cowered in my life. And that mascot had so much hope in his beady little eyes as he panned the crowd to make eye contact with his alleged biggest fan...but little did he know that the girl he was looking for was essentially laying on the sticky floor to avoid detection, and sending Jackie a text message that said: "You suck harder than anyone has ever sucked ever."
The end.
Background Fact #2: Every roller derby team has a gimmick and a gimmicky mascot. One of the teams has a space theme, and they all wear black and silver and have celestial-type names. Inexplicably, their mascot is a small-framed troll of a guy who wears silver boots, carries a leopard-print scepter, has greasy hair, yellow rat teeth, and wears a bunch of Mr. T-style necklackes (but silver) and a set of black coveralls unzipped down to the...well...unzipped WAY too low. I will not dignify his existence by mentioning his name or posting a photo, just know that he is vile and makes my skin crawl. Apparently the only words in his vocabulary are "rat" and "city" and "throttle" and "rockets." And he continually shouts those words into his bullhorn. (Note: I usually shout back: "ZIP UP YOUR DAMN JUMPSUIT!!!")
Background Fact #3: Jackie loooves to give me hell about this guy.
So there we were, or more accurately, there Jackie was on the front row at the bout. I was sitting about 10 rows back with the boy, and suddenly I saw my little Jackie up on the Titantron!?! One of the announcers was interviewing fans to get their take on the new venue, and she went right up to Jackie on the front row and asked what she thought of Key Arena. My friend! On the giant screen! I know her! It was very exciting. Jackie nervously whispered, "It's great." Then announcer lady asked, "Could you be any more vague?" To which Jackie replied, "It's really great?"
Then after her nervousness wore off and Jackie realized she now had an 'in' with the announcer, an evil little thought crept into her head...
The next thing I know, the announcer lady is calling over the aforementioned mascot to pass along a "message" that Jackie has just given her. So over the PA system at Key Arena in front of 5,000 people, I suddenly hear: "Hey, [insert mascot's name here], your biggest fan is out there and wants to say hello. Where are you, Halee? Stand up and wave!! Halee?"
...
...
I cowered harder than I have ever cowered in my life. And that mascot had so much hope in his beady little eyes as he panned the crowd to make eye contact with his alleged biggest fan...but little did he know that the girl he was looking for was essentially laying on the sticky floor to avoid detection, and sending Jackie a text message that said: "You suck harder than anyone has ever sucked ever."
The end.
I would like to meet this Jackie. And shake her hand. And buy her a...ummm....non-fat, non-milk, non meat containing milkshake. Or whatever it is one drinks in Seattle.