May 2010 Archives

I have just returned from the bar where I met up with a group of friends to watch the first round of semifinals of the 2010 Eurovision Song Contest.  I had originally planned to live blog this from home.  So instead, I took notes on my phone, and now I will simply paste said notes from my phone, uncensored, into here.

Before the paste job, I should explain that there were 17 entries, but only 10 advance to the finals.  Here were the 17 entries and my impressions of them.  When I have more time later, I will go back and add screencaps of each performer to give the full effect:

1 moldova "run away" - violinix espinning  neon violin bow pelvic thrusting sax playing ... All in vests

2 russia "lost & forgotten" - sensitive nickleBack yellow drums clutching neck, faux snow, singing to illustration

3 estonia "siren" - velvet jacket....no FOUR velvet jackets crooner spinning camera "turning their hips in motion almost in sync"

4 slovakia "horehronie" - 1st native language entry; nymphs dressed as trees doing karate, tulle monster

5 finland "työlki ellää" - accordian smoke "one half of abba on holiday" dirty dancing lift

6 latvia "what for?" - breathy toga party bronzer legs wind machine

7 serbia "ovo je balkan" - kajagoogoo hair veneer androgony handstand glitter tshirt

8 bosnia herzegovina "thunder and lightning" - smoke machine matchbox 20 zombies double wallet chain

9 poland "legenda" - native costumes wailing holding apple ... Nay, ALL holding and waving apples AND spinning  "george michael with gypsies" ... HEADLOCK!?

...interlude....male host is knitting....

10 belgium "me and my guitar" - john mayer unibrow

11 malta "my dream" - liza minelli with armpit hair, with animatronic wings!!!  It's a secret person hiding behind her the whole song to operate the wings!?

12 albania "it's all about you" - cross of bonnie tyler and steven tyler with pointy shoulderpads, howie mandell violin solo

13 greece "opa!" - underlit tattoo boys in white "singer is flexible as a refrigerator" OPA!

14 portugal "has dias assim" - prom solo

15 macedonia "jas ja imam silata" - same singer from greece dressed in black with lunging leather swimsuit models

16 belarus "butterflies" - zac efron of belarus with sparkle backup; synchronized hand moves ...  More sprouting wings!!!

17 iceland "je ne se quois" - big red dress, two little red dress;

The 10 magical winners were:

Bosnia & Herzegovina
Moldova
Russia
Greece
Portugal
Belarus
Serbia
Belgium
Albania
Iceland

And all I have to say is that Malta must be SO PISSED that Belarus made it into the finals and they didn't, when they did the whole animatronic wing thing first.

P.S.  I voted for Greece.

If you're American, when you think of Estonia you think, "Oh, that is where Dave and Stoney told everyone that the caveman Linkovich Chomofsky is from in Encino Man."

If you're Finnish, when you think of Estonia you think, "The ferry costs 20€ roundtrip, and if I bring back 10 cases of beer then the trip pays for itself 5 times over in beer savings.  Also, I might as well get drunk on the ferry over, but that should NOT count against my beer cost-savings formula."

If you're Halee, when you think of Estonia, you think of the magical / fun / retarded birthday weekend you spent in Tallinn in 2010 with your favoritest girlfriends Tanja and Sinttu....


The Ferry

We boarded the ferry around 8am on Saturday.  Once onboard, I quickly realized that we were already hours behind schedule on beer consumption compared to all the other passengers.  Pretty much everyone at breakfast was enjoying an alcoholic beverage.  And I'm not talking light and breakfasty mimosas and bloody marys, I'm talking BEER.

After our breakfast, we decided to head up to the entertainment deck where the air was already soaked with the smell of booze, the live band was already rocking out, the karaoke was under way, rockabilly dudes were everywhere, and the power kept going out.  It was loud and obnoxious and ridiculous and awesome.  At one point the band and/or DJ was playing KISS's "I Was Made For Loving You (Baby)", and all the grannies were out on the dance floor rocking out.  The troubadour in the other room quickly switched from blues riffs to Metallica.  Shit got real, fast.  Reminder, IT WAS 9AM.  IN THE MORNING.  We only made it to about 9:30 before we started drinking, too.

        


Old Town

The ferry pulled into the dock around noontime, and all the tipsy folks (including us) started stumbling their way to old town in Tallinn.  If you don't know much about Tallinn, know this:  it is old.  Medieval-old.  It still has the old wall with all the towers surrounding the central part of the city.  The streets are covered in huge cobblestones (which doesn't seem to deter the women from walking around in 5 inch stilettos).  There are tons of amazing old-ass buildings to look at, including the ol' Kiek in de Kök.  It's all very quaint and scenic.

     

      


Miscellaneous Beers Drunken About Town

We spent the day walking around seeing the sights, and stopping every 30 minutes or so at a nice open air pub for a drink.  We drank at:

• Estonian pubs where we were not hit on at all
  
• Greek pubs where we were not hit on at all
  
• Texas pubs (!?) where we were hit on by Norwegians - We found a place called Cantina Texas and I waltzed in and declared my citizenship, and rated the authenticity of everything hanging on the walls.  Shockingly, they had Lone Star on tap. 
• Depeche Mode pubs (!?) where we were hit on by Russians - Apparently we missed the David Gahan birthday celebration by just a few days.

     


Miscellaneous Characters Seen About Town

Random people we saw around town included, but were not limited to:

1. Many, many maids and wenches and servants in tights
   
2. Russian transvestites
3. Men dressed in cheerleading uniforms
4. Pirates making off with a treasure chest
5. An executioner in a red hood offering to execute us
6. Evil dancing bunnies running through the street
7. The Blues Brothers lost and asking for directions!?

            



Dinner at Olde Hansa

The best part of the whole trip was our fancy medieval dinner at a place called Olde Hansa.  It's like going to Medieval Times, only you get to sit at an actual table, you get to use silverware, there is no jousting, and you have your choice of honey or cinnamon beer.  All the waiters and waitresses dress as wenches and serfs, and accept "with everlasting gratitude any squirrel skins or ducats" as tips.  Everything is lit by candle light, all the tableware is clay, and each dish is served with spelt.  Tanja and Sinttu both had leg of pork, while I finally...excitedly...after wanted to try it for months...ate bear!  It was prepared in the favorite style of Waldmar II, meaning it had been generously marinated in wine and was covered with berries.  Amazingly delicious.

      


After dinner we bar hopped a bit, and then dragged our tired feet back to our hotel and quickly passed out.  (17 hours of drinking is hard work.)  At 6:30am the next morning we were woken up by a mystery blast of Bryan Adams' "Summer of '69".  We still don't know where it came from.  Was it from a passing car?  Another hotel room?  A Bryan Adams bar (a rival to the Depeche Mode bar) which opens at 6:30am and is only open until 6:35am until it finishes playing that one song?  We'll never know...unless we can get access to those secret KGB surveillance rooms at the Sokos hotel nearby.

All in all, it was an amazing weekend and a birthday I will never forget.  Thanks, Tanjela and Sinttu Ellen!!  The only thing that would have made it 100% perfect would have been if this pony sweater had been available in my size:

Yesterday I was quietly sitting in a little Russian cafe in Kallio with my friends, eating pelminis.  It was obvious the place was pretty authentic, but I didn't know just how authentic it was until HE walked in.

I wish I had been able to take a photo of HIM to better explain what I need to describe here, but the place was authentic enough and I've seen "Eastern Promises" enough times that I didn't dare.  What if some guys from the Bratva were in the back, sharpening knives or tattoo needles?  No.  I had to take a series of mental snapshots of every article of HIS dress, and I will try to recreate them here in the order I noticed them.

The Jeans



You know the real douchey designer jeans with way too much detail on the back pockets?  Kind of like these, if they were bleached and acid-washed until they were a pale, pale blue / almost white?  And possibly had some glitter on them?  HE was wearing those.



The Shoes



Let me put it this way: I couldn't find an image of snakeskin loafers that were pointy enough, this was the closest I could find.  And later when HE sat down it surprised me that HE was wearing common white tube socks. 



The Jacket



HIS jacket was actually somewhat understated, comparatively.  Just a simple little white jackety vest.  Although it was sleeveless.  And unlike in the picture above, HE did not have a sleeved shirt on under it.



The Tattoos



Ahh, there was a very good reason for the sleevelessness.  HE had several wolf tattoos to display.  There was one on each upper arm, both black one-color jobs that looked all melty and faded.  The left arm had a wolf howling at the moon, looking away towards the moon.  The right arm had a wolf staring directly at you with the moon behind it...but upon closer examination the moon was actually just the huge eye of another wolf.



And just when I thought it couldn't possibly get any better, he took off the jackety vest to reveal...

The Undershirt



Yes.  A white sheer tshirt to display even MORE tattoos.  I wish I could describe the other tattoos to you, but it was at this point that I had to turn away and quit looking at him.  Up to that point I was able to just casually and quietly enjoy his outfit...but when I saw the mesh shirt I almost choked on my pelmini.

Part 2 of this tale involves a Russian girl wearing sheer black control top pantyhose as pants, but that's a story for another time...