I Never Thought I Would Need to Use the Word "Estonian" to Describe My Birthday, But...
If you're American, when you think of Estonia you think, "Oh, that is where Dave and Stoney told everyone that the caveman Linkovich Chomofsky is from in Encino Man."
If you're Finnish, when you think of Estonia you think, "The ferry costs 20€ roundtrip, and if I bring back 10 cases of beer then the trip pays for itself 5 times over in beer savings. Also, I might as well get drunk on the ferry over, but that should NOT count against my beer cost-savings formula."
If you're Halee, when you think of Estonia, you think of the magical / fun / retarded birthday weekend you spent in Tallinn in 2010 with your favoritest girlfriends Tanja and Sinttu....
The Ferry
We boarded the ferry around 8am on Saturday. Once onboard, I quickly realized that we were already hours behind schedule on beer consumption compared to all the other passengers. Pretty much everyone at breakfast was enjoying an alcoholic beverage. And I'm not talking light and breakfasty mimosas and bloody marys, I'm talking BEER.
After our breakfast, we decided to head up to the entertainment deck where the air was already soaked with the smell of booze, the live band was already rocking out, the karaoke was under way, rockabilly dudes were everywhere, and the power kept going out. It was loud and obnoxious and ridiculous and awesome. At one point the band and/or DJ was playing KISS's "I Was Made For Loving You (Baby)", and all the grannies were out on the dance floor rocking out. The troubadour in the other room quickly switched from blues riffs to Metallica. Shit got real, fast. Reminder, IT WAS 9AM. IN THE MORNING. We only made it to about 9:30 before we started drinking, too.
Old Town
The ferry pulled into the dock around noontime, and all the tipsy folks (including us) started stumbling their way to old town in Tallinn. If you don't know much about Tallinn, know this: it is old. Medieval-old. It still has the old wall with all the towers surrounding the central part of the city. The streets are covered in huge cobblestones (which doesn't seem to deter the women from walking around in 5 inch stilettos). There are tons of amazing old-ass buildings to look at, including the ol' Kiek in de Kök. It's all very quaint and scenic.
Miscellaneous Beers Drunken About Town
We spent the day walking around seeing the sights, and stopping every 30 minutes or so at a nice open air pub for a drink. We drank at:
- Estonian pubs where we were not hit on at all
- Greek pubs where we were not hit on at all
- Texas pubs (!?) where we were hit on by Norwegians - We found a place called Cantina Texas and I waltzed in and declared my citizenship, and rated the authenticity of everything hanging on the walls. Shockingly, they had Lone Star on tap.
- Depeche Mode pubs (!?) where we were hit on by Russians - Apparently we missed the David Gahan birthday celebration by just a few days.
Miscellaneous Characters Seen About Town
Random people we saw around town included, but were not limited to:
- Many, many maids and wenches and servants in tights
- Russian transvestites
- Men dressed in cheerleading uniforms
- Pirates making off with a treasure chest
- An executioner in a red hood offering to execute us
- Evil dancing bunnies running through the street
- The Blues Brothers lost and asking for directions!?
Dinner at Olde Hansa
The best part of the whole trip was our fancy medieval dinner at a place called Olde Hansa. It's like going to Medieval Times, only you get to sit at an actual table, you get to use silverware, there is no jousting, and you have your choice of honey or cinnamon beer. All the waiters and waitresses dress as wenches and serfs, and accept "with everlasting gratitude any squirrel skins or ducats" as tips. Everything is lit by candle light, all the tableware is clay, and each dish is served with spelt. Tanja and Sinttu both had leg of pork, while I finally...excitedly...after wanted to try it for months...ate bear! It was prepared in the favorite style of Waldmar II, meaning it had been generously marinated in wine and was covered with berries. Amazingly delicious.
After dinner we bar hopped a bit, and then dragged our tired feet back to our hotel and quickly passed out. (17 hours of drinking is hard work.) At 6:30am the next morning we were woken up by a mystery blast of Bryan Adams' "Summer of '69". We still don't know where it came from. Was it from a passing car? Another hotel room? A Bryan Adams bar (a rival to the Depeche Mode bar) which opens at 6:30am and is only open until 6:35am until it finishes playing that one song? We'll never know...unless we can get access to those secret KGB surveillance rooms at the Sokos hotel nearby.
All in all, it was an amazing weekend and a birthday I will never forget. Thanks, Tanjela and Sinttu Ellen!! The only thing that would have made it 100% perfect would have been if this pony sweater had been available in my size:
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