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This entry is dedicated to Staci and Shashana...may the wisdom of Michael Maron help transform you into your best and most glamourous 80s self next Saturday night at the Ewing Barbeque!

In mentally preparing for my makeup, hair, and wardrobe next week for the Oil Baron's Ball / Ewing Barbeque / Dallas 30th Anniversary and Cast Reunion, I kept finding myself longing for a book my mom used to have that contained makeovers of lots of 80s celebrities.  The main reason I remember the book is the pages and pages of before/after celebrity makeover photos.  The most memorable was the one of Phyllis Diller.  Mainly because her "before" shot terrified me:


Anyway, Mom mailed the book to me last week, and now I will attempt to summarize its most essential contents.  Originally I was just going to put this in an email to Staci and Shashana, but I thought the rest of you might benefit from 1983 celebrity makeover advice.  Here are the 10 easy steps!

STEP 1: Blemish Cover

"With your middle finger¹, gently dot a small amount of neutralizer cream on the areas you wish to conceal." "Most cosmetic companies offer an off-white cover-up cream or stick that only causes red spots to turn a lighter pink.  I recommend yellowish cream neutralizer, which covers the red."

STEP 2: Concealer

"With your middle finger², apply a few dots of concealer to the dark areas of your face.  Use a flesh-tint eye shadow crayon to lighten any expression lines you want to diminish." "If you need it, apply the concealer to the bluish gray area directly under the eyes, around the outside of the nostrils, below the corners of the mouth, and on the crease of the chin." "Apply to dark areas only, and blend carefully with your middle finger³."

"Using a latex sponge and liquid foundation, dot your forehead, cheeks, nose, and chin with foundation.  Again using your sponge, smooth the dots of makeup out towards your hairline, and down towards your neck, covering your entire face ever so lightly with foundation." "Don't forget to apply foundation to your eyelids, nostrils, and lips.  The coverage should end just below the jawline."

STEP 4: Highlighter

"With your fingertips, apply three dots of highlighter cream above each cheekbone.  To blend, pat -- don't rub -- with your middle finger⁴, extending the highlighter toward the temple." "Since highlighter reflects light, it will make your cheekbones appear more prominent." "For dramatic evenings, you might like the effect of an iridescent powder or gel used on your cheekbones, on the brow bone, or just above your brows."

STEP 5: Contour Shadow

"Suck in your cheeks and apply a thin band of contour shadow cream in the hollow under your cheekbones and place a small dot on each temple. With your middle finger⁵, blend the contour shadow cream diagonally outward toward the ears. Keep blending until you see a subtle shadow." "Always remember that any light area appears to come forward, while dark areas seem to recede." "A contour shadow should be a very neutral color, a cross between brown and gray, with no red or yellow undertones." "It should be about two shades darker than your foundation, any darker and you'll look as if you have a dirty face rather than one that's nicely contoured." "Be careful not to blend the shadow up into the highlight cream."

STEP 6: Face Powder

"Using just the tips of the sable bristles of your wide brush, dust translucent face powder all over your face.  Stroke across your forehead, around the eyes, nose, mouth, and chin.  Don't forget the eye sockets and neck." "Use a minimal amount of powder, as too much can accentuate lines."

STEP 7: Blusher

"Smile.  Find the fullest part -- or the "apple" -- of your cheek.  With your large sable brush, apply powder blusher on the "apple", just between the highlighter and above the contour shadow.  Avoid blending blusher directly under the eye." "With the brush, blend upward and outward towards the ears, but do not blend higher than the top of the ear or lower than the ear lobes.  Blend until color fades into the hairline.  Use a cotton ball to continue blending the blusher until you have achieved a delicate, natural-looking glow.  Blusher should always be used subtly." "When wearing a low neckline, you might like a bit of blusher on the sides of the neck and in the cleavage."

STEP 8: Eye Makeup

	"Using a small sable brush and pressed powder eye shadow, draw a thick line of shadow across the crease of your eyelid, starting at the inside corner and extending to the outer corner, and form small triangle of shadow that points toward your temple." "Blend with your brush.  Then, with a sharpened eye liner pencil, first line your lower lids, starting at the outside corner, along and just below the lash line, stopping the line in the center of your lower lid." "Smudge the line with your little finger or with a cotton swab.  With the same pencil, line the entire upper lid, beginning at the inner corner of the eye and working toward the outer corner.  Darken the triangle at the outer corner of the eye with additional eye liner pencil, then smudge."
	"With a black eye liner pencil, line the upper inner lid." "If your eyes are very small, you can make them appear larger by lining the lower inner lids with a white pencil." "Using a small sable brush, apply color to the center of the lid."
	"Using a sable brush, apply a small amount of shadow to the brow bone.  Blend downward toward the crease shadow." "Curl the eyelashes.  Apply two coats of brown or black mascara to both upper and lower lashes."

STEP 9: Eyebrows

"Brush brows upward with an eyebrow brush or with a child's toothbrush.  Apply eyebrow pencil with short strokes in the same direction in which the hair grows.  Blend with a finger or cotton swab."

STEP 10: Lip Color

"Before applying lip liner, define the crest of the upper lip with a light beige lip liner pencil." "Before applying color, make sure your mouth is covered with foundation and powder." "The shade of lip liner you buy should be as close to your natural lip color as possible.  Draw the line right on your own lip line." "Fill in your outlined lips with the lip color, extending just to the outline but not over it."

So I think important things to remember here to make you look as glam and as 80s as possible are:

1. contour shadow
2. thick eyeliner on the lower lid that begins in the center and goes out to the edge
3. dark eye shadow on the outside/light eyeshadow on the inside
4. thick/dark eyebrows
   and most importantly...
5. APPLY EVERYTHING WITH YOUR MIDDLE FINGER!
   

My wonderful friend Amy gave me a very awesome Christmas present that I have neglected until recently.  She sent me a hardback copy of Terry Funk's autobiography with a personalized inscription from the man himself, blessing me and my zamily!!!  Behold!



I assumed that was a forgery, as her husband has inscribed book gifts to me in the past, usually with blessings from various people in our high school marching band.  But Amy assured me this was legit, and that she met the man himself!  I was ecstatic to have this in my personal library, but didn't commit myself to reading it until...

About a month ago, I received an unsolicited email from my friend Martin with the subject line "IMPORTANT (TERRY FUNK)".  In the message, he described a match that was "so powerful that after witnessing it I dropped to my knees and repeatedly punched myself in the privates (this is known as the "hardcore prayer")."  Here is that match:



It was clear that after seeing that, it was time to read the book.  As I read through it, I selected a golden excerpt from each chapter to share with Martin, who is clearly Terry's biggest fan.  Now I would like to share the goldenest of the golden excerpts with you:

• Chapter 4: Breaking In
  "Baron Von Raschke used to get his clawhold over with the people where he didn't even put it on his opponent.  He used to do a spot where he'd lunge with his claw, but his opponent would move, and Von Raschke would have to pry his clawhold off of the turnbuckle!  His clawhold grip was so strong that he couldn't make his own fingers let go of the turnbuckle!"
  
  
• Chapter 9: Losing Dory Funk
  "One time, we decided to try to help the promotion by getting some front-page publicity.  Our plan was to drive to the middle of the Sunshine Skyway Bridge, leave a note in the rental car and then leave the car there, as if I had jumped off the bridge.  Then we went home and I stayed in the bathtub for about four hours.  Once I was good and wrinkled, we drove out to the beach and I laid down at the edge of the coast, as if I'd washed up onto shore.  Hell, nobody came to my rescue!  I laid there for three or four hours and just got up, went home and forgot about it."
  
  
• Chapter 19: Working for Vince McMahon
  "Steele was feuding at the time with Nikolai Volkoff, a big Russian wrestler.  Here he was, the terrible, brutal Russian, doing all his power moves on his opponent.  And then, out of nowhere, here came a cartwheel!  He'd be working along, getting heat, and then out of the clear blue, he did a cartwheel.  It had nothing to do with the match."
  
  
• Any chapter involving Dusty Rhodes, as Terry includes all Dusty's quotes phonetically
• "Thay, Tewwy, I jutht dweem about a cah like thith thum day.  If I could jutht get a cah like thith, it would be tho f-f-fine!"
• "Tewwy, I been wukking fuh The Sheik!"
  
• "Damn, Jewwy, what wuth that?"
• "OK, Jewwy, let'th thoot thum duckth, but I don't want you methin' with the gun."
• "He'th thittin' back thayuh."
  
• "I'll go ahead and I'll climb up to the top rope before you can move, thinth you'll be down on the mat after I thlam you.  I'll graithfully FLY off the top rope and land on yo' body and cover you, one-two-three!"

Due to my continuing interest in all things Scandinavian, my ever-present interest in music, and my recent and all-encompassing interest in Metalocalypse, I decided to read up on the history of black metal.  Therefore I'm reading a charming non-fiction book called "Lords of Chaos: The Bloody Rise of the Satanic Metal Underground."  A few choice passages:

• "Black metal has taken the fire of Loki and used it as fuel, the accelerant for a one-way ride to hell."
• "Death metal bands would play shows wearing jogging suits and he [Euronymous] was totally against that."
• "A saying is that most Norwegians will visit church on three occasions in their lives, and on two of them, they will be carried in."

As it turns out, certain Norwegians (ahem, I'm looking at you, Varg) will visit churches more often than that...specifically to burn them to the ground.

Anyway, it's an interesting (and admittedly) scary tale of all the tall tales and legends of Varg, Euronymous, Dead, Bard, Metalion, etc.  And church burnings, suicides, murders, etc.  Partially told through interviews of those currently in prison for their deeds, particularly Mr. Varg.  This book was written a couple of years ago, and as I was reading last night there were a few references to Varg potentially being out on parole in 2006.

I was reading up on Wikipedia today to try to find out if he really was released two years ago (he wasn't), and was surprised/frightened to quickly glance across a headline alluding to his attempted prison escape.  But then I read the details...

In October 2003, Vikernes failed to return to his low-security prison in Tønsberg, Norway, after having been granted a short leave.

What???  I had already read details of how he's able to maintain his website from prison, and how he's released two Burzum albums while incarcerated, and now this?  Short leaves from prison...for CONVICTED MURDERERS?  I realize Norway is very progressive, but whoa.  This is quite foreign to me, considering my Texas background and the "just lethal inject all of 'em" stance there.  Anyway, Varg is up for parole next month, and I will be watching the proceedings closely...

It was the stupidest thing ever.  I got lost coming home yesterday...riding the same bus I ride almost every day.  I still don't entirely understand what happened.  I think part of the problem was I was reading a book I found last weekend at my parents': "Breakdancing: Mr. Fresh and the Supreme Rockers Show You How to Do It!" 


I remember buying this book at the book fair in 5th grade.  My opinion then, which I still agree with, is that is it impossible to learn how to break dance from a book, no matter how many cool silhouette diagrams it has, or how many times they tell you how fresh you're gonna look. 

So I was completely immersed in passages like...

"If you're really serious about this, then if you want to be fresh, you'll have to give yourself a Breakdance name.  Your name will come from something special different about you or your dancing, like: Supreme Rocker, King Tut, Mr. Fresh, Li'l Fresh, Lady Lust, Smash, Crash, Rubber Band, Crazylegs, Freakazoid, Mr. Nice, Kid Loose, Easy E, Crazy Spin, and Mr. Way.  When you give yourself a name, then you'll have something to put on your sweatshirt."

And...

"One more thing.  Gloves are fresh.  Breakdancers almost always wear one or two white gloves when they perform.  It shows off your hand moves, which otherwise might not be noticed.  There are dancers who wear black gloves, but you don't see Breakdancers wear colored gloves.  Next time you rock, try it with white gloves.  You'll amaze 'em."

And therefore I must have completely missed it when we passed my stop around 58th Street.  And when we passed the stop at 61st Street.  And 65th.  And 70th.  And 75th. Around 80th Street I looked up and realized I had no idea where I was, and it took me several blocks to see a street sign to realize I was about 20 blocks past where I was supposed to be!?  By that time I was at 85th Street...so I hopped off and crossed the street to catch a bus going back the other way.  But the next one wasn't coming for 10 minutes, so I decided that rather than stand there being cold, I would just walk down a few blocks/stops until the bus caught up with me.  I don't know if it the blocks are very short or the bus is very slow, but by the time I got down to about 65th it still hadn't caught up with me so I just walked the whole way home.

Moral of the story: When riding the bus, remember to look up from your breakdancing book occasionally so you don't miss your stop.