book reviews: April 2008 Archives

My wonderful friend Amy gave me a very awesome Christmas present that I have neglected until recently.  She sent me a hardback copy of Terry Funk's autobiography with a personalized inscription from the man himself, blessing me and my zamily!!!  Behold!



I assumed that was a forgery, as her husband has inscribed book gifts to me in the past, usually with blessings from various people in our high school marching band.  But Amy assured me this was legit, and that she met the man himself!  I was ecstatic to have this in my personal library, but didn't commit myself to reading it until...

About a month ago, I received an unsolicited email from my friend Martin with the subject line "IMPORTANT (TERRY FUNK)".  In the message, he described a match that was "so powerful that after witnessing it I dropped to my knees and repeatedly punched myself in the privates (this is known as the "hardcore prayer")."  Here is that match:



It was clear that after seeing that, it was time to read the book.  As I read through it, I selected a golden excerpt from each chapter to share with Martin, who is clearly Terry's biggest fan.  Now I would like to share the goldenest of the golden excerpts with you:

• Chapter 4: Breaking In
  "Baron Von Raschke used to get his clawhold over with the people where he didn't even put it on his opponent.  He used to do a spot where he'd lunge with his claw, but his opponent would move, and Von Raschke would have to pry his clawhold off of the turnbuckle!  His clawhold grip was so strong that he couldn't make his own fingers let go of the turnbuckle!"
  
  
• Chapter 9: Losing Dory Funk
  "One time, we decided to try to help the promotion by getting some front-page publicity.  Our plan was to drive to the middle of the Sunshine Skyway Bridge, leave a note in the rental car and then leave the car there, as if I had jumped off the bridge.  Then we went home and I stayed in the bathtub for about four hours.  Once I was good and wrinkled, we drove out to the beach and I laid down at the edge of the coast, as if I'd washed up onto shore.  Hell, nobody came to my rescue!  I laid there for three or four hours and just got up, went home and forgot about it."
  
  
• Chapter 19: Working for Vince McMahon
  "Steele was feuding at the time with Nikolai Volkoff, a big Russian wrestler.  Here he was, the terrible, brutal Russian, doing all his power moves on his opponent.  And then, out of nowhere, here came a cartwheel!  He'd be working along, getting heat, and then out of the clear blue, he did a cartwheel.  It had nothing to do with the match."
  
  
• Any chapter involving Dusty Rhodes, as Terry includes all Dusty's quotes phonetically
• "Thay, Tewwy, I jutht dweem about a cah like thith thum day.  If I could jutht get a cah like thith, it would be tho f-f-fine!"
• "Tewwy, I been wukking fuh The Sheik!"
  
• "Damn, Jewwy, what wuth that?"
• "OK, Jewwy, let'th thoot thum duckth, but I don't want you methin' with the gun."
• "He'th thittin' back thayuh."
  
• "I'll go ahead and I'll climb up to the top rope before you can move, thinth you'll be down on the mat after I thlam you.  I'll graithfully FLY off the top rope and land on yo' body and cover you, one-two-three!"