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Editor's note: the events described here actually happened June 5, 2010.

I am a card-carrying Guns N' Roses fan.  Literally:



But sadly for me, I was just a teenager in G'n'R's heyday, so I was never able to see them live before the band (and Duff's pancreas) exploded.  Although I did get to see Duff and Slash in Velvet Revolver before that exploded, but it just wasn't the same without W. Axl Rose.

Back in May, my client randomly offered to buy me and the rest of my team tickets to the Helsinki Live Festival, where Axl and the nouveau Guns N' Roses would be headlining.  While I felt it also wouldn't be the same without Slash and Duff...at least seeing pieces of the original lineup strewn across different years and bands was better than nothing. 

So, we went!  I had no idea what to expect.  Would Axl play any of the Appetite for Destruction / Use Your Illusion songs, or would he be a jerk and insist on only playing Chinese Democracy?  Would he be super fat and have those weird cornrows again?  Would he punch anyone out?  Would he swim with dolphins while wearing a flannel shirt and high tops?  Would he keep us waiting for 3 hours until he felt "ready" to go onstage? 

Yes, he played the old stuff AND Chinese Democracy.

No, he wasn't super fat.  He certainly wasn't super wirey with a washboard stomach, but he didn't look that bloaty, either.  He did wear a holographic blazer with bootcut/flare jeans.  He did have a handlebar moustache.  He did wear the red bandana on his head.  He did have a few wardrobe changes, but never into white cycling shorts or kilts.  No, no cornrows. 

No, he didn't try to assault anyone.  He was incredibly well behaved and charming.

No, there was no dolphin tank on stage.  I honestly don't even remember if they played Estranged at all.  All I remember is the weird and random 10 minute Pink Panther Theme Song guitar solo.  (?)

No, he did not keep us waiting at all.  It was almost a disappointment that he was actually on time!  I don't think any of us were expecting that.  In fact, there were a bunch of sluts going around selling specially branded condoms for the event, and the condom manufacturers were banking on his tardiness:



This note on the condom package translates roughly to "Just in case Axl is late coming to the stage and you need something to do."

It is now time for me to tell you about Hevisaurus.  My friendly neighborhood KISS Army member taught me about them, and they are basically a dinosaur heavy metal band for children.  This is one of those things that it's best not to explain, but just to witness:



These guys are actual real musicians from real bands (um, like DIO!?) and actually play wearing those costumes.  And even though it's obviously a total gimmick and geared towards the kiddies, their songs are actually good.  There is a particularly funny forum about them on cracked.com, but I've pulled out the choice comments here:

• "A triceratops. With a keytar."
• "This answers basically every question I ever had about Finland."
• "No matter what happens in life, a song where a dinosaur who plays heavy metal asks the audience 'Is it your bed-time already?' is awesome."
• "That's absurd. Dinosaurs and mammoths didn't live anywhere near the same time.  At the end of the Cretaceous, the only mammals were little nocturnal tree-dwelling varmints the size of rats.  I'm beginning to question the scientific accuracy of this entire enterprise."

They usually play at actual rock clubs (where they of course make it all ages, and it is hilarious to imagine Tavastia full of 3 year olds), but right now they're doing daily shows at Linnanmäki which is the local amusement park.  Last night, I had the honor of seeing these creatures play live.  It was the weirdest thing ever.  First of all, it wasn't really a concert, it was a musical/play thing.  On one hand it was a little bit disappointing because they used a soundtrack and only mimed playing their instruments.  On the other hand, it was totally great because I had to try to follow this plotline:

So there was a little boy who didn't want to go to sleep because he's nervous about starting school the next year and he can't say his "R's" properly, and so his mom reads him a book about dinosaurs and how they all died off 65 million years ago except five dinosaur eggs remained.  Then he falls asleep and/or doesn't fall asleep and gets his dagger and alarm clock and stuffed woolly mammoth toy and goes into the forest where these 5 eggs are, and these prehistoric girls in glasses and shiny skirts start dancing around and then suddenly the eggs hatch and dinosaurs burst out of the eggs already wearing leather jackets and holding instruments, speaking perfect Finnish and immediately start rocking out. 

Then the little boy makes friends with the dinosaurs and gives them all high fives and they start talking about pizza and popcorn...then out of nowhere these gigantic muffins covered in popcorn come out on stage dancing.  THEN after a snack and another song, they move the little boy's bed to the middle of the stage and pull the covers back and find another giant egg, but this one is hot pink/purple and suddenly a witch appears who really, really wants that egg so she can make an omelet.  Then there is a big battle for the egg that equals more singing and dancing and then some spinning...and all this activity causes the egg to hatch, and out pops a baby DRAGON.  The baby dragon makes friends with all the dinosaurs and the little boy, then suddenly they're all floating around in the sky and then the dragon sings a duet with Herra Hevisaurus. 

Then the little boy realizes he really should be going home before his mom gets mad, so he says goodbye to all the dinosaurs and the baby dragon and treks home...but forgets his woolly mammoth toy.  This is a perfect segue for Hevisaurus to sing their "Goodnight, Last Mammoth" song, and then the baby dragon takes the woolly mammoth toy and finds the boy's house and sneaks into his bedroom and returns it while he sleeps, but can't get out because the magic closet door is stuck.  Then some other stuff happens and then the little boy finally learns to say his "R's" and everyone comes out to sing a big finale song together, including the witch, and the backup dancers.  (But not including the two roadies who have been moving the drum and keyboard risers around.)  The end.

1. Keep in mind that this whole thing was in Finnish and I only know a tiny tiny bit of Finnish, so my entire summary here is based on what I saw and the few explanations that Sinttu was able to whisper to me.
   
   
2. I had to ask Sinttu several questions throughout, and the question I asked most frequently was, "Am I on drugs right now???"
   
   
3. There was one part where the dinosaurs went backstage for a nap, and something happened with the witch, and all the little kids started screaming "HERATYS!!!!!!!" (This means "WAKE UP!")  I mean, these kids were going apeshit about it, particularly the little girl right behind my right ear.
   
   
4. Also this same little girl knew every word to every song, and sang them.  Loudly.  And off-key  It would have been annoying...if it weren't so dang cute.

And so dang weird.  Then the evening got even weirder when we went to a heavy metal karaoke bar, but that's a story for another time.  (Spoiler: it was a DINOSAUR heavy metal karaoke bar!) 

I have just returned from the bar where I met up with a group of friends to watch the first round of semifinals of the 2010 Eurovision Song Contest.  I had originally planned to live blog this from home.  So instead, I took notes on my phone, and now I will simply paste said notes from my phone, uncensored, into here.

Before the paste job, I should explain that there were 17 entries, but only 10 advance to the finals.  Here were the 17 entries and my impressions of them.  When I have more time later, I will go back and add screencaps of each performer to give the full effect:

1 moldova "run away" - violinix espinning  neon violin bow pelvic thrusting sax playing ... All in vests

2 russia "lost & forgotten" - sensitive nickleBack yellow drums clutching neck, faux snow, singing to illustration

3 estonia "siren" - velvet jacket....no FOUR velvet jackets crooner spinning camera "turning their hips in motion almost in sync"

4 slovakia "horehronie" - 1st native language entry; nymphs dressed as trees doing karate, tulle monster

5 finland "työlki ellää" - accordian smoke "one half of abba on holiday" dirty dancing lift

6 latvia "what for?" - breathy toga party bronzer legs wind machine

7 serbia "ovo je balkan" - kajagoogoo hair veneer androgony handstand glitter tshirt

8 bosnia herzegovina "thunder and lightning" - smoke machine matchbox 20 zombies double wallet chain

9 poland "legenda" - native costumes wailing holding apple ... Nay, ALL holding and waving apples AND spinning  "george michael with gypsies" ... HEADLOCK!?

...interlude....male host is knitting....

10 belgium "me and my guitar" - john mayer unibrow

11 malta "my dream" - liza minelli with armpit hair, with animatronic wings!!!  It's a secret person hiding behind her the whole song to operate the wings!?

12 albania "it's all about you" - cross of bonnie tyler and steven tyler with pointy shoulderpads, howie mandell violin solo

13 greece "opa!" - underlit tattoo boys in white "singer is flexible as a refrigerator" OPA!

14 portugal "has dias assim" - prom solo

15 macedonia "jas ja imam silata" - same singer from greece dressed in black with lunging leather swimsuit models

16 belarus "butterflies" - zac efron of belarus with sparkle backup; synchronized hand moves ...  More sprouting wings!!!

17 iceland "je ne se quois" - big red dress, two little red dress;

The 10 magical winners were:

Bosnia & Herzegovina
Moldova
Russia
Greece
Portugal
Belarus
Serbia
Belgium
Albania
Iceland

And all I have to say is that Malta must be SO PISSED that Belarus made it into the finals and they didn't, when they did the whole animatronic wing thing first.

P.S.  I voted for Greece.

Wow.  I just witnessed something surreal and amazing and crazy.  I almost feel like I don't deserve to have seen and experienced what I just saw...it's like it was a secret Finnish ritual that I snuck in and watched without the proper credentials.  I am talking about Raskasta Joulua, aka Heavy Christmas.  This is an annual Christmas concert where local heavy metal dudes play traditional Finnish Christmas songs in the key of METAL.

Throughout 98.7% of this concert, I just stood there with my mouth open in amazement.  All the songs and onstage banter were in Finnish, so I was obviously a little lost.  But music is music, and heavy metal wailing is heavy metal wailing...so it was still very easy to appreciate the magic that was going on.  Remember when Corn Mo and John Freeman used to do their cover of Temple of the Dog's "Hunger Strike"?  And how awesome that was?  Well take that, multiply it by seven metric tons and add a splash of Ronnie James Dio in a nativity scene as the Baby Jesus, that's how awesome Raskasta Joulua was.  The bass player guy looked like a cross between Nuno Bettancourt and Toki Wartooth.  One of the 5 leader singers looked like Nikki Six.  Another looked like the 1988 Mark Slaughter.  Another looked like Kevin Nash.  Another looked like Glenn Danzig's younger, taller brother.  Another looked like Baby Varg (he was actually the Finnish American Idol).  Another looked like a drunk billy goat.

Thankfully, most of the Finnish songs have the exact same melody as the American ones, so I wasn't completely lost.  So even if I couldn't sing along, I could hum along.  Oh!  But there was one song where I could sort of sing along!  Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.  Here is my version of the Finnish version:

"Taka-taka-taka-taka PORO,
taka taka taka taka tak!"

"Poro" is reindeer, which I learned from all the menus here because reindeers aren't cute Santa pets, they are FOOD.  Anyway, here is the real version:



At the end they threw Christmas tree ornaments at us, and then threw a Christmas tree at us.  Merry Christmas, in your FACE!


 

Back in May, I bought myself a birthday present in the form of a ticket to see Dolly Parton.  I have been staring at that ticket hanging on my clipboard for months...and her big show finally happened last Friday! 

For maximum thematic and historical effect, I wore the exact same outfit I wore when I went to Dolly Parton's Dixie Stampede in Pigeon Forge, TN.  Which was also the same outfit I wore to see Loretta Lynn play at her very own ranch in Hurricane Mills, TN.  This outfit consists of a homespun plaid button down shirt with a white butterfly collar (which is actually a Loretta Lynn® brand shirt purchased at her gift shop) and high-heeled cowgirl boots.  I had to field a lot of questions at work on Friday on this matter.  It got to where I just shouted "I'm going to see DOLLY tonight!!!!" when anyone so much as looked at me.  Here is the outfit when I wore it in Tennessee.  Or I guess I should say when both Joy and I wore it:



The show was amazing, and complete with a drag Dolly Parton who mimed along with Dolly during the whole show, and was sorta like having my own personal live action Titantron just a few rows away.  Dolly could not have been more adorable or charming.  She told lots of little stories, cracked lots of little jokes, and positively GLOWED:



Earlier that day a guy at work asked me to complete the following sentence: "My night will be incomplete if Dolly does not sing ________."  My blank was "Why'd You Come In Here Looking Like That?"  And she sang that one as one of the first songs right out of the gate!   She sang all the hits, including her very first recording ever from when she was an 11 year old kid.  In an 11 year old's voice.  And an amazing acapella gospel-y song with all the backup band.  Even the cover of "She Drives Me Crazy" was totally enjoyable!  She finished it up with some "9 to 5" and then serenaded us about how she would always, always love us.

I should have taken notes of all the cute little things she said.  The only one that's really sticking in my head all these days later was when she had a stray hair bugging her that she was trying to get off of her, and she made a big dramatic show of it and once she flicked it away, she told us not to worry because "pulling that hair out did not hurt her one little ol' bit."

Unfortunately, some of the evening was tainted by a couple of super obnoxious and inconsiderate gay guys who would NOT SIT THE FUCK DOWN THROUGH THE ENTIRE SHOW.  This was very much a sit-down and politely listen kind of show.  Early on, there was a guy a few rows up that stood up the whole time going into tremors he was so excited, and security made him go sit somewhere else.  Why no one dealt with those other two dickweeds, I'll never know.  All I do know is right after Dolly finished "I Will Always Love You," I shouted at them, "AND I WILL ALWAYS HATE YOU!!!!"

This is a followup entry to the time I told you about how I stayed up late to buy pre-sale tickets to see Dethklok.

The show was last night.  A dark, dreary, brutal kind of night.  It had become summery here in Seattle, but yesterday the storm clouds and the cold returned.  A perfect night for a metal show, I suppose.  I took notes on my phone, so rather than trying to craft a story about the whole experience, I think I will just include the out-of-context notes I took during the show here:

• two girls were dressed as rock n' roll clowns (who presumably do c-c-c-cocaine)
  
  
• I did not have to sign a liability waiver (although there was rain water dripping through lighting rigs and it was easy to imagine a mass electrocution)
  
  
• roadies did not wear executioner hoods (in fact one roadie looked like he could be Skwisgar's grandpa)
  
  
• plan of attack: stick close to guy in sleeveless Bathory tshirt

If you're wondering if they performed as cartoons or humans...the answer is both.  The humans came out and played in front of a big white projection screen, which played the appropriate clip from the appropriate episode when the appropriate song came on.  So it was kind of like watching a Monkees episode during a musical montage, where you're sorta watching a live performance, but you're sorta watching a TV show?  At the very beginning they showed a special clip of the council discussing the impending Dethklok tour and their plan to release a virus to all the people attending the shows.

And also if you're wondering, Dethklok fans look less like the uber-hot Toki Wartooth:


And a lot more like this:

Yesterday may have been the most perfectly delightful day of my life.  If not that extreme, at least the best day of the last 5 years.  And if you still think I'm overstating, it was definitely the best day since I moved to Seattle.  I must share with you the details of my day.  Let us celebrate and rejoice!  The sun has come out in Seattle!  Summer is here!!

1. My friends Jackie and Jeremy have scooters.  Cute little fake Euro-looking Honda and Yamaha scooters.  I have never ridden a motorized two-wheeled vehicle in my entire life.  After a brief 2 minute lesson in the driveway (1.5 minutes of which was explaining how to get the helmet on), we were off!  And you know what?  It was so FUN, and EASY!!  I don't think I ever topped 15 mph, but it was still completely exhilarating.  Needless to say, now I'm thinking about buying a damn scooter.
   
   
2. I'm coming up on my 9 month anniversary of living in Seattle, and there is still so much I haven't seen, and so much I should be ashamed I haven't seen.  One of these places is Golden Gardens, which is a beach up here in my neighborhood that opens up to Puget Sound.  I expected a "beach," meaning it was a spot where the land technically touched the water and was therefore a "beach," but really no other redeeming qualities.  No!  There is actual sand and it was actually hot!  There aren't any waves, but there is a retardedly stunning view of the Olympic mountains.  I will go back.  Probably today.  And every sunny day.
   
   
3. Datarock.  This is a band.  From Norway.  Who play fun-filled electro-rock whilst wearing red sweatsuits.  They opened for Ladytron last night, and to be honest, I bought my ticket to see Datarock and couldn't have cared less about Ladytron.  Their performance was very spastic and excellent, and afterwards my friend Kelly and I were at the merch table eyeing the red hoodies that matched theirs...when the Datarock drummer and bassist walked up and faked like they wanted to buy ALL the Datarock merchandise.
   
   That's all it took.  I was in love.  (Let me remind you that this is a band who has a song about falling in love at computer camp, so I was already pre-disposed.)
   
   My friend Kelly is much ballsier than me, and struck up a conversation with them.  They chatting with us while they were signing some guy's red hoodie, when I asked which part of Norway they were from.  When they said "Bergen," my mouth (which had been fueled with no less than 4 16oz beers that evening) started uncontrollably jabbering about Count Grishnack, the main black metal villain who burned lots of churches and killed the lead singer of Mayhem...and is from (and I think is currently incarcerated in) Bergen.
   
   Scandinavians are so funny.  They light up with joy and excitement when you start talking about their precious black metal...which itself has nothing to do with joy OR excitement.  The drummer was particularly animated.   And cute.  And he and the bass player gave me official Norwegian black metal tattoos/autographs:
   
    
   
   So needless to say, I'm in love with the drummer guy.  Note how his pentagram melts into inverted crosses with a few bonus 666 sprinkles.  Just like my heart melted and inverted and got all sprinkley/sparkley.  Thank you, Datarock. 
   
   

I got the weirdest email message today:

Dethklok posted a concert near you!

I am very confused and intrigued.  As much as I sometimes forget (and sometimes lament in the case of the uber-hot second-fastest guitar player alive Toki Wartooth), the members of Dëthkløk ARE CARTOONS.  This is fine as far as releasing albums and videos...but how in the fuck is this going to work live??

I intend to find out and report back to you first-hand. 

"According to a February 10, 2008 interview on California radio station Indie 103.3 with Full Metal Jackie, there are plans for an early summer tour which, according to Brendon Small, will be like 'a Disney ride but with murder.' "

From guitarworld.com:

"Tickets to the five-week Adult Swim Presents tour will go on sale to the general public starting Friday, April 18, through Ticketmaster, but a special pre-sale offer will be made available one week earlier to the most brutal Adult Swim fans. On Sunday, April 13, Adult Swim fans tuning in to Metalocalypse during the 12:00 a.m. (ET/PT) showing will be given a pre-sale password allowing them access to a customized Dethklok page on Ticketmaster's web site."

So...guess why I'm still up?

After 3 months of anticipatorily gazing at the tickets on my refrigerator, the Magnetic Fields show finally happened last night!  I have seen precious few shows since I moved to Seattle, and it was a really, really, really good one to see.  It was at Town Hall, which was an old Church of Christ downtown, still complete with pews (but no kneelers).  After my umpteenth joke asking Matt and Chris if I was in the right place for the town hall meeting to save Jupiter Hollow, the opening act came out...  

They were called the Interstellar Radio Company, and I guess the best way to explain them is as a science fiction comedy performance troupe?  It was strange, but interesting and good.  They basically put on a live old-timey radio serial show, and the particular story they performed was about these two business partners who are in the business of decontaminating planets.  And the planet they go to decontaminate contains a specific gaseous material that stimulates your imagination, and they found themselves being hunted down by the monsters they had dreamed up as kids.  As far as the performers, one guy played the accordion, one guy did the voices of the 6 or so characters, and one guy did all the sound effects.  I learned:

• Twisting celery sounds like breaking bones
• Little toilet plungers plunged on a table sound like a space monster approaching from far away
• Big toilet plungers plunged on a table sound like a space monster approaching from very close!

Then the Magnetic Fields came out, including Merritt on the lute, a cellist, an acoustic guitarist, a pianist/chatterbox, and a girlie singer.  It was really good.  Magic good.  It was just so civilized and wonderful.  You could hear everything so well, the attendees were polite and well-behaved and it allowed you to really really listen and appreciate it.  (No stupid drunk girls to push out of your way, no stupid alpha male assholes trying to start a pit for no reason, etc.)  I consider myself a Magnetic Fields fan, and I have a couple of their albums.  They played around 20-25 songs....and I only knew ONE.  That's how prolific they are, it's ridiculous.  And even though all the songs were new to me, the show was still amazing.  His lyrics could stand on their own apart from the music, they're always so funny and sad and true and clever.  I think my favorite song was the first one they played which was called "I Hate California Girls", although I really liked "Nun's Litany".

Their onstage banter was amusing, too.  I think the best story was when Merritt talked about the first concert he ever went to, which was a Jefferson Airplane show his parents took him to when he was a kid.  He remembered Grace Slick screaming out: "They're killing kids over there!!!!"  In retrospect, he knows she was alluding to the children in Vietnam.  But at that concert, he thought she "meant stage right" and that his death was imminent.

And interesting/confusing sidenote: Stephin Merritt hates applause.  "He typically covers an ear when the audience claps. This is attributed to a hearing problem that Merritt suffers from called hyperacusis, where any sound louder than normal begins to "feed back" in his head at increasingly louder volumes."  At the end of every song he would quickly stick his finger in his ear and wince a bit.  So what to do?  You want to show your appreciation so you want to clap...yet you know that is annoying to him, so you don't want to clap! 

Then that makes you start to think how ridiculous clapping is, and who on earth came up with that idea to whack your hands together to be noisy and that somehow signifies approval?  Humans are weird.

I ditched work early on Friday so I could go to the fair.  The "Puyallup" Fair.  This is one of those tricky Washingtonian words they use to weed out whether or not you're a local.  It's pronounced "pew-AL-up."  Obviously, I pronounced it "pull-y'all-UP."  (I'm not really blending seamlessly, especially on trick words like that.)

It was a really nice drive south, despite only averaging about 15 miles an hour.  There were several casinos along the way, and a transmission shop telling you about how you need to "keep your tranny cool in the summer."  I arrived at the fair grounds in time to see Cowgirl Tricks by Karen Quest, the ding-dong-daddiest cowgirl I've seen in a while.  She cracked whips to break handfuls of spaghetti.  She made Devo jokes as she did it. She twirled a 50 foot lasso around herself.  She brought a bunch of people on stage and gave them all cowbells and told them when to ding them, and suddenly it was a full orchestra of "Home on the Range."

But that isn't the point.  The point is DEVO.  I was very enchanted by the fact they were playing at the fair.  There were plenty of people playing like Reba McEntire, Big & Rich (not to be confused with Rob & Big), Kenny G...all very carny-like entertainment.  But Devo?  They came out in full yellow jumpsuits and red energy domes:

If you look closely at the stage lights behind them, you'll see that they were big robots.  The bright white spotlights came out of the robots' heads.  Red LED lights came out of their tummies.  And I think their arms were spinny-style disco lights.

Then at one point, Mark Mothersbaugh started running around with his microphone, tugging at the other guys' jumpsuits.  Which were apparently made of tear-away paper because they ripped quite easily, and then they all started tearing their own jumpsuits off, revealing black tees, black shorts, and kneepads:

I loved that they played "Whip It" early and got it out of the way.  I loved that they still danced and moved all electronically.  They were obviously a little paunchier than their ultra-skinny nerd days when they looked like the white/debate/moped team on "Midnight Madness," but they were still wonderfully weird.  I loved it that Mark Mothersbaugh was still in his yellow jumpsuit, and went to each side of the stage with big red cheerleading pom-poms to lead the crowd in a chant.  And later threw super happy fun balls to the audience.

Then I rode the Gravitron, got sicky in my tummy, and went home.  And listened to Mission Giant on the way.