Recently in corporate bullshit Category

When I left Helsinki a week ago, there was a definite expectation that there would be an epic farewell party.  I was a bit stressed out with packing and moving and leaving, so I planned a very simple event: beer and pizza at the office, followed by karaoke.  There was talk of having a grander theme and/or costumes, but I just didn't have the mental energy (or luggage space) for that.  So that Friday it all went down like this...

08:45am I come to the office like any other day.

08:46am Things are quiet, not that many people are in the office yet.  This is odd.  These are Finns, they're always early.

08:48am I go into the breakroom to check that all the Budweiser tallboys are still in the fridge.  Everything is AOK:



09:02am I see Tanja walk in.  I avoid eye contact so I don't start getting all teary.  But I notice her hair looks extra fluffy.

09:04am Out of the corner of my eye, I notice Tanja is wearing a gold satin shirt with very puffy sleeves.

09:05am I bumrush Tanja's desk to examine what she is wearing, and realize she is totally 80's glammed out!?

09:06am Kesis approaches, and I see she is wearing a suede fringed vest and cowgirl boots.

09:10am Janne blows into the office, with slicked back hair and a cigar, wearing a suit.  He comes up to me, calls me "darlin'", and slaps me on the ass.



09:12am Janne starts strategically placing portraits of the Ewings (and me) around the office.



09:15am Lena shows up in a satiny red cowl-necked dress and garish makeup, looking EXACTLY like Lucy.

09:17am Sinttu follows shortly after, with a periwinkle blue dress with sleeves whose puffiness rival Tanja's sleeves. 

09:18am Sinttu, Tanja, and Lena declare themselves J.R.'s slutty secretaries:



09:25am I start to notice that several people are wearing cowboy hats.  Hanna was even in a meeting room, waving around a pistol:




09:45am Janne yells "DALLAS MOB!" from his computer.  All 30 people in the office stand up and start looking at me, the theme song from Dallas starts blaring, and everyone plays air violin along to the music.

09:50am Facebook blows up with announcements about how our company has been acquired by Ewing Oil for the day, and that all the slutty secretaries need their whiskey.

11:20am We go for lunch, and the girls all keep their jackets on.  :)

11:24am I mention that even though I knew NOTHING about what they had planned, I had walked around my apartment in my high-heeled cowgirl boots all morning and debated wearing them, but decided against it.  When they asked why, I replied, "Because I thought it would be too much."  Cue laughter.

12:30pm I ran home to change into those cowgirl boots, big earrings, and apply my Michael Maron Makeover Magic makeup job. 

02:00pm I make it back to the office.

02:35pm I decide I can't wait until 4:00, and I'm ready to start drinking.  So does everyone else.  Shit starts to get weird. 



03:30pm Valter starts freaking me out with his puffy vest and diesel cap because he looks almost EXACTLY my cousin Gary Don.  In fact, in this photo he and Erik look authentic enough they could hang out at the Stop 'N Shop in Groom, TX undetected:



04:30pm They make me sit in a chair and all surround me.  They start playing The Leningrad Cowboys version of "Those Were the Days" and do a full-on "Puttin' on the Hitz" lip-synching performance!  With bonus Cossack-style squatty inny-outty leg dancing action!?!  How do you people know how to do that???



05:00pm We steal Lars' whiskey because he's not there to stop us.  (Sorry, Lars.  Next time don't advertise on Facebook that you're hiding Chivas in your desk drawer!)

05:10pm Things start to get very fuzzy.

06:30pm We arrive at The Restroom Karaoke Joint (I think). 

06:45pm-02:00am Things get very very very fuzzy to the point that I only have random scattered memories, such as:

• Jaakko's riveting performance of "Jenny from the Block"
• Laughing / Crying
• Erik implanting David Bowie directly into his vocal chords and doing a perfect "Space Oddity" that brought the house down
  
• Laughing / Crying
• Steve's rendition of David Lee Roth's "Just a Gigolo" which I was drunk enough to think was "Giglolo", and that is STILL stuck in my head over a week later
• Crying / Laughing
• Dancing with Janne, and me and my ponytail being twirled around violently
• Me trying to sing Alice Cooper's "Poison" but being off-key from too much crying/laughing
• Crying / Laughing / Crying
  
• Making some random girl cry who didn't even know anyone in our group
• Laughing at her
• Valter's version of "Take On Me"
• Lena's air pan flute performance
• Hugging everyone way too hard, and probably getting snot and tears all over their shoulders
  
• Breaking Heikki's other shoulder from hugging him too hard
• Feeling very loved, and missing everyone before I had even left
  
• Not ever wanting the evening to end, ever :(
  

 


EPILOGUE: Addendum by participants who remember more than I do...

Tanja: "You seem to have forgotten Sampsa's PamPamPamela and THE We're the World moment when the whole bar was holding hands."

Henri: "We are the whuurld. Very vivid memories arise."

Lena: "My Eternal Flame is still burning for you, Halee! It's not Another Day in Paradise when you're not here. I must leave for North Carelia (Minä lähden Pohjois-Karjalaan) to recover!"

I've been hoping to start writing up again, because my life should be full of new and exciting things with my big move to Finland.  But instead I've had the worst couple of weeks in recent memory.  Allow me to recount for your entertainment:

• My lease was up on August 31, and I had to move out of my house.  I am now bumming guest room space off friends and co-workers.  I opted to do this to try to save my company money, thinking it would just be for a week or so.
  
  
• On August 24, we overnighted my work visa application to the Finnish consulate in Los Angeles.  We were told it would take 4 weeks to process, maybe less.  I got word two weeks later that the packet had finally arrived at the right office in Helsinki!?  Apparently someone in LA left it sitting on their desk that entire time.  The 4 week processing time hadn't even begun...and I had been homeless for a week already!
  
  
• On September 2, I was staying with a friend in Columbia City, which meant I got to take the new light rail train in to work.  My office typically buys us monthly transit passes, but they were late for September.  I was riding the train when the cops boarded to do their little fare audit...I pulled out my pass only to realize it was the one from August.  The cops escorted me off the train at the next stop. 
  
  
• On the morning of September 3, management announced more layoffs at work, but this time only affecting my group.  This included the guy who sits next to me who is one of my favorites.  This was totally out of nowhere, and very upsetting.
  
  
• On the afternoon of September 3, I stepped away from my desk for a couple of minutes in a hurry, and forgot to lock my desktop (which I'm usually very good about doing).  It's a standard office prank to jump on someone's machine who is stupid enough to leave it unlocked, and send an embarrassing message to a distribution list.  A guy from IT sent the following message out to the Analytics alias from me:
  
  
  
  What the IT guy didn't know was that I had reconfigured my Outlook to my new email address for my new client.  So instead of going to 20 or so people that I know at my Seattle agency...it went to hundreds (thousands?) of people that I don't know at an agency that is all over the world.  Awesome.
  
  
• On September 10, I arrived at my latest accommodation, house/dogsitting for my new boss.  I thought I was done with the shittiest week in recent history, and then it happened...my week became LITERALLY shitty.  The dog got a nasty case of diarrhea, and shit all over the living room floor.  On three different occasions.

My shitty week, punctuated with actual shit.  Amazing.

A few weeks ago I was in a workshop on how to become a better presenter.  It went like this:

• We had to prepare a 5 minute presentation
• We had to present it to the entire class of 30 people (all while being videotaped)
• After presenting, we had to give an immediate verbal self-assessment
• This was followed by a verbal brief assessment from two of our peers
• Which was followed by a verbal critique from the expert guy leading the workshop
• Then rounding up the 30 index cards of written comments from all the peers in the room

It was an incredibly stressful, nerve-wracking day.  We all did reasonably well considering we're not seasoned presenters, and we all beat ourselves up terribly about how bad we thought we were.  Enough time has passed that last night I finally had the guts to watch my DVD.  I did okay.  My presentation was on how to better manage your inbox, and although I talked too fast because I was nervous, it was...okay.  My peers gave constructive criticism, and I learned a lot about better ways to get my point across to a room full of people, and how to create an accordionly-organized deck so that you can adjust your presentation to be longer or shorter while you're in the middle of giving it.

But the main thing I learned?  I learned that I am overcompensating for my Texas accent so bad that I sound fucking Canadian.  I didn't even recognize my own voice.  I need to identify the words that I am covering up for the worst, and restore my speech back to its Texan glory.  But I don't know how...I honestly don't even realize that I'm trying to cover up my Texas accent, so how can I stop myself?  I guess I should call home more often.  And perhaps watch more Gary Busey movies.

Ignoring for a moment how odd it is that this was scheduled for Valentines Day...I had my first official review at work today.  That is always nerve-wracking, even when you're doing a good job and you know you're doing a good job.  I supposed there is just something generally unpleasant about being judged.

First, I must quickly interject that the atmosphere at work is extremely, extremely casual.  Tshirts and sneaks.  Ponytails and gum-chewing.  Cussing and drinking.  At your desk.

So to dilute the awkwardness of the day, me and one of the other guys on my team decided to be way too formal about this and to try to confuse and/or flatter our boss.  So we both came to work today in full-on business suits.  He has on a tie.  I have on heels and earrings.  It feels like 1984 IBM corporate headquarters in here.  Or like Michael Douglas and Charlie Sheen could come walking around the corner any minute, talking NASDAQ or communicating in that broker sign language.

And it totally backfired.  Instead of thinking it was cute/funny that we took this so seriously, our boss was really disgusted!  She wanted to send us home!?