Recently in fashion Category
My eyesight is crap. I wear contacts 96% of the time, so I usually only buy one pair of glasses every 3 or 4 years.
Until now. I have bought three pairs of glasses in the last two months. This is my friend John's fault. He told me about how he ordered a bunch of prescription glasses off the internet. They don't even ask for proof of your prescription, and you can get them DIRT ASS CHEAP. Learning that I could buy real, official, DIRT ASS CHEAP prescription glasses was awesome, because I had been wearing my $500 designer glasses while I watched TV in bed, and I was all worried that I was messing up their alignment. I decided to order myself a cheapass pair, that way it wouldn't matter if I fell asleep watching TV in my glasses, even if I slept on my face, because the glasses could be replaced for the cost of a 12 pack.
And since they were nighttime glasses, it didn't really matter what they looked like, so I decided to get the most ridiculous pair possible. And that was so much fun that I ended up buying two more pair.
Let's take inventory, shall we?
MY REGULAR CIVILIAN GLASSES, aka THE STUPID $500 ONES
I shouldn't say these are stupid. They're fine. I like them. The only thing that is stupid about them is how much they cost.
MY 1970s LESBIAN / SERIAL KILLER GLASSES (WITH 10% YELLOW TINT)
This was the first pair of cheapies that I bought. They cost $16.85, and $10 of that was because I opted for the anti-reflective coating and the yellow tinting. (In retrospect, I should have gone for 20%, maybe even 30% tint. I wanted them to look more like those hunting goggle glasses.) At first I couldn't look at myself in the mirror in these, but scarily, I've gotten so used to them that I actually kinda like them now and would probably even wear them in public. Perhaps this means I am a lesbian and/or serial killer??
MY SIDEWINDERS WHOSE SIZE WERE NOT ACCURATELY REPRESENTED ONLINE
On the website, where the product images of these glasses are just floating in space, these looked like a classic pair of 1950s Buddy Holly Sidewinders. You know the ones...the kind you needed for Halloween to play a nerd, so you'd just pop the lenses out of a pair of knock-off Ray Bans? Well, they are that general shape, but not quite that general size. These are 4-8 times larger than necessary. Every time I look in the mirror in these, I start hearing the intro drumming of "Hot for Teacher." And not because I think I look hot or teacherly, but because I look exactly like Waldo Van Halen. All for only $12.95.
MY LOG LADY / SALLY JESSE RAPHAEL GLASSES
I've been on a Twin Peaks kick lately, and even though it's not really the most original idea in the world, I'd really like to go as the Log Lady for Halloween next year. So I decided, "Why not get a pair of real prescription red glasses from zennioptical.com?" So I did. For $12.95. And if I'm over my Twin Peaks obsession by October, I can just go as Sally Jesse Raphael instead!
And no, Zenni Optical did not pay me any endorsement money for this post. YET.
In my post yesterday with photos of the new apartment, I didn't go into any details about one of the unexpected things I had to buy. I knew I'd have to blow a small fortune on furniture and small appliances and kitchen supplies, but I did not expect to have to buy...light fixtures? And I don't mean table or corner lamps, I mean the ceiling mounted lights that come on when you flick the switch. Apparently it is the norm in Finland that renters provide their own light fixtures, and take them when they move out. Huh?
So that first week before I moved in and I was cleaning the place, I had to be sure to be out of here before sundown, because the only lights were in the bathroom and inside the refrigerator, which was not that helpful.
I have never in my life given any thought to ceiling mounted light fixtures, unless the bulb was burned out. They were just there, and spat out light. Then suddenly I was in the position where I have to care about these things deeply, and spend a few hundred dollars on them. The problem is that since I have never really thought about them much, I don't really have a strong opinion about them. So picking them out was way harder than it should have been.
Here's what I ended up with...
Hallway
Thank goodness Sinttu was shopping with me, or I would have been paralyzed by all the options. She recommended track lighting for the hallway, since you can adjust all the little lamps to point every which way. So these aren't all that fancy or exciting, but highly functional.
Bedroom
I chose this one because it was the least expensive one they had at Ikea. In the store, I thought it looked cheap and cartoonish and lame, but I thought the price tag looked great. But now that it's up, I like it and don't think it looks as dumb as I thought it would. Also, you can stand on the bed and put your head up in it like an old timey hair dryer, and/or a very elegant version of a Devo energy dome.
Kitchen
This looked like the kind of light fixture that would be hanging in a truck stop diner. And if there was ever a phrase to describe my personal style, I think "truck stop diner" is it.
Living Room
The light for the living room was the hardest to pick. My taste tends to be pretty plain, so I was turning my nose up at all the gaudy chandeliers and other overly complicated and sparkly options. Then this little guy jumped out at me. I liked him because he looked like a little cluster of 50s desk lamps. And even though I was poo-pooing the idea of a chandelier, I thought this was interesting because it was like a little industrial/mod chandelier. When we were trying to install it (thanks again, Sami and Sinttu!), there was no way to adjust the cords to get them out of sight. The instructions sucked, and they had no website. So we went the janky route and just knotted the cords up. At first I thought it looked really ridiculous and obviously a hack, but now I think it looks interesting and unusual. Maybe even nautical.
Knot-ical?
Yesterday I was quietly sitting in a little Russian cafe in Kallio with my friends, eating pelminis. It was obvious the place was pretty authentic, but I didn't know just how authentic it was until HE walked in.
I wish I had been able to take a photo of HIM to better explain what I need to describe here, but the place was authentic enough and I've seen "Eastern Promises" enough times that I didn't dare. What if some guys from the Bratva were in the back, sharpening knives or tattoo needles? No. I had to take a series of mental snapshots of every article of HIS dress, and I will try to recreate them here in the order I noticed them.
The Jeans
You know the real douchey designer jeans with way too much detail on the back pockets? Kind of like these, if they were bleached and acid-washed until they were a pale, pale blue / almost white? And possibly had some glitter on them? HE was wearing those.
The Shoes
Let me put it this way: I couldn't find an image of snakeskin loafers that were pointy enough, this was the closest I could find. And later when HE sat down it surprised me that HE was wearing common white tube socks.
The Jacket
HIS jacket was actually somewhat understated, comparatively. Just a simple little white jackety vest. Although it was sleeveless. And unlike in the picture above, HE did not have a sleeved shirt on under it.
The Tattoos
Ahh, there was a very good reason for the sleevelessness. HE had several wolf tattoos to display. There was one on each upper arm, both black one-color jobs that looked all melty and faded. The left arm had a wolf howling at the moon, looking away towards the moon. The right arm had a wolf staring directly at you with the moon behind it...but upon closer examination the moon was actually just the huge eye of another wolf.
And just when I thought it couldn't possibly get any better, he took off the jackety vest to reveal...
The Undershirt
Yes. A white sheer tshirt to display even MORE tattoos. I wish I could describe the other tattoos to you, but it was at this point that I had to turn away and quit looking at him. Up to that point I was able to just casually and quietly enjoy his outfit...but when I saw the mesh shirt I almost choked on my pelmini.
Part 2 of this tale involves a Russian girl wearing sheer black control top pantyhose as pants, but that's a story for another time...
I wish I had been able to take a photo of HIM to better explain what I need to describe here, but the place was authentic enough and I've seen "Eastern Promises" enough times that I didn't dare. What if some guys from the Bratva were in the back, sharpening knives or tattoo needles? No. I had to take a series of mental snapshots of every article of HIS dress, and I will try to recreate them here in the order I noticed them.
The Jeans
You know the real douchey designer jeans with way too much detail on the back pockets? Kind of like these, if they were bleached and acid-washed until they were a pale, pale blue / almost white? And possibly had some glitter on them? HE was wearing those.
The Shoes
Let me put it this way: I couldn't find an image of snakeskin loafers that were pointy enough, this was the closest I could find. And later when HE sat down it surprised me that HE was wearing common white tube socks.
The Jacket
HIS jacket was actually somewhat understated, comparatively. Just a simple little white jackety vest. Although it was sleeveless. And unlike in the picture above, HE did not have a sleeved shirt on under it.
The Tattoos
Ahh, there was a very good reason for the sleevelessness. HE had several wolf tattoos to display. There was one on each upper arm, both black one-color jobs that looked all melty and faded. The left arm had a wolf howling at the moon, looking away towards the moon. The right arm had a wolf staring directly at you with the moon behind it...but upon closer examination the moon was actually just the huge eye of another wolf.
And just when I thought it couldn't possibly get any better, he took off the jackety vest to reveal...
The Undershirt
Yes. A white sheer tshirt to display even MORE tattoos. I wish I could describe the other tattoos to you, but it was at this point that I had to turn away and quit looking at him. Up to that point I was able to just casually and quietly enjoy his outfit...but when I saw the mesh shirt I almost choked on my pelmini.
Part 2 of this tale involves a Russian girl wearing sheer black control top pantyhose as pants, but that's a story for another time...
I customized and bought myself a pair of Nike ID sneakers. Lookie:
If you'll notice, on the inside they'll embroider the phrase/word/proper noun of your choice. I agonized over what to put on mine. "Kotara Industries" was the obvious choice, but I really wanted to use some foreign words to make my shoes seem more exciting and exotic, and fake like I got them in a faraway land. I decided it should definitely be a Scandinavian language. Swedish was the obvious choice since they were the colors of the Swedish flag. I decided on my theme, and went about figuring it the words in Swedish, Norwegian, and Finnish....
- Swedish - Vänster / Höger
Damn! Nike does not accept special characters! - Norwegian - Høyre venstre
Damn! Nike continues to not accept special characters! - Finnish - Vasempaan / Oikeaan
Really? No 'äs or ää's or äää's??? Yay!! I really wanted Finnish the whole time, anyway, it's my favorite.
Well, I hope it means "Left / Right". With my luck I probably got it exactly wrong, and some Finnish person is going to stop me on the street and ask me why my shoes say "Gone" and "Prerogative."
