fashion: May 2011 Archives

My eyesight is crap.  I wear contacts 96% of the time, so I usually only buy one pair of glasses every 3 or 4 years. 

Until now.  I have bought three pairs of glasses in the last two months.  This is my friend John's fault.  He told me about how he ordered a bunch of prescription glasses off the internet.  They don't even ask for proof of your prescription, and you can get them DIRT ASS CHEAP.  Learning that I could buy real, official, DIRT ASS CHEAP prescription glasses was awesome, because I had been wearing my $500 designer glasses while I watched TV in bed, and I was all worried that I was messing up their alignment.  I decided to order myself a cheapass pair, that way it wouldn't matter if I fell asleep watching TV in my glasses, even if I slept on my face, because the glasses could be replaced for the cost of a 12 pack.

And since they were nighttime glasses, it didn't really matter what they looked like, so I decided to get the most ridiculous pair possible.  And that was so much fun that I ended up buying two more pair.

Let's take inventory, shall we?



MY REGULAR CIVILIAN GLASSES, aka THE STUPID $500 ONES

I shouldn't say these are stupid.  They're fine.  I like them.  The only thing that is stupid about them is how much they cost. 






MY 1970s LESBIAN / SERIAL KILLER GLASSES (WITH 10% YELLOW TINT)

This was the first pair of cheapies that I bought.  They cost $16.85, and $10 of that was because I opted for the anti-reflective coating and the yellow tinting.  (In retrospect, I should have gone for 20%, maybe even 30% tint.  I wanted them to look more like those hunting goggle glasses.)  At first I couldn't look at myself in the mirror in these, but scarily, I've gotten so used to them that I actually kinda like them now and would probably even wear them in public.  Perhaps this means I am a lesbian and/or serial killer??





MY SIDEWINDERS WHOSE SIZE WERE NOT ACCURATELY REPRESENTED ONLINE

On the website, where the product images of these glasses are just floating in space, these looked like a classic pair of 1950s Buddy Holly Sidewinders.  You know the ones...the kind you needed for Halloween to play a nerd, so you'd just pop the lenses out of a pair of knock-off Ray Bans?  Well, they are that general shape, but not quite that general size.  These are 4-8 times larger than necessary.  Every time I look in the mirror in these, I start hearing the intro drumming of "Hot for Teacher." And not because I think I look hot or teacherly, but because I look exactly like Waldo Van Halen.  All for only $12.95.




MY LOG LADY / SALLY JESSE RAPHAEL GLASSES

I've been on a Twin Peaks kick lately, and even though it's not really the most original idea in the world, I'd really like to go as the Log Lady for Halloween next year.  So I decided, "Why not get a pair of real prescription red glasses from zennioptical.com?"  So I did.  For $12.95.  And if I'm over my Twin Peaks obsession by October, I can just go as Sally Jesse Raphael instead!

     



And no, Zenni Optical did not pay me any endorsement money for this post.  YET.