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Every time I have ever gone to a foreign country and mentioned I lived in Dallas, I always get lots of questions about J.R. and the rest of the Ewings.  When this came up with my Finnish friends here, Tanja told me about an amazing Finnish song that was written about and dedicated to Pamela Ewing.  (A country song, of course!)  Behold:



I will now attempt to translate this song for you.  Please note:

• I do not speak Finnish, so this should be interesting.
  
• This is based off a combination of Google's shady translation engine and my faulty memory of what Tanja explained to me.
• That sound effect in the beginning is a moped engine, and not a chainsaw like I originally thought.  This is Jaakko Teppo, not Jackyl, for god's sake.

"Pamela" - by Jaakko Teppo

"<Gunning a moped engine>
It's Friday night again and I'm on my moped.
I'm going home to watch Dallas on the color TV.
They are so famous and they take bribes.

You will be on the screen,
And I never want to turn it off.

(chorus)
Pam-Pam-Pam-Pam-Pamela!
Oh you, you wonderful you.
Pam-Pam-Pam-Pam-Pamela!
Pam-Pam-Pamela!

Yes, you live a different kind of life.
With all that oil.
And big boobs and bulls.
In Dallas.

(chorus)
Pam-Pam-Pam-Pam-Pamela!
Oh you, you wonderful you.
Pam-Pam-Pam-Pam-Pamela!
Pam-Pam-Pamela!

Lucy is too short.
Sue Ellen drinks too much whiskey.
You are the one I want.

I can offer you a lot.
There is an extra seat on my moped.
Come with me and we will ride through the swamp.
Leaving Dallas behind in a puff of steam smoke."

(chorus)
Pam-Pam-Pam-Pam-Pamela!
Oh you, you wonderful you.
Pam-Pam-Pam-Pam-Pamela!
Pam-Pam-Pamela!

Sorry in advance...

INSTRUCTIONS
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!

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....
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IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
"When You're Hot You're Hot, When You're Not...You're Not" (Jerry Reed)

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
"German Centaurs (Bake Good Bread)" (The Dutch Treats)

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
"Wasted and Ready" (Ben Kweller)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
"Crazy Baby" (Gene Maltais)

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
"Thursday's Child" (David Bowie)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
"Take My Breath Away" (Berlin)

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
"Popcorn" (Arling and Cameron)

WHAT IS 2+2?
"Right Next Door to Hell" (Guns 'N Roses)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
"Girl Germs" (Bratmobile)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"Kill the DJ" (Ralph Myerz and the Jack Herren Band)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
"Whorehoppin'" (Eagles of Death Metal)
oh great...

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
"Sorrow" (David Bowie)
David Bowie...quit whorehoppin' this whole list!

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"Heat of the Moment" (Asia)

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
"I Think I See the Light" (Cat Stevens)

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
"Sea and Sand" (The Who)
This should be an interesting dance since 85% of this song is waves crashing and seagulls chirping...

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
"Ars Moriendi" (Mr. Bungle)
This should be an interesting funeral since 100% of this song is random sound effects and Mike Patton burping and grunting...

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
"Hunger" (Red Shadow: The Economics Rock & Roll Band)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
"Sunday Bloody Sunday" (U2)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
"Stardust Fanfare" (Katamari Damacy)

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
"Jingle Bell Rock" (The Roller Disco Orchestra)

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
"U and I" (Vitalic)

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
"Webster Theme Song: Then Came You" (Madeline Sunshine and Steve Nelson)

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
"I Eat Cannibals" (Total Coelo)

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
"Listen to the Band" (The Monkees)

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
"Poliisi Pamputtaa Taas" (Eppu Normaali)
Finnish for "police bludgeon again..."

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
"Tribute" (Tenacious D)

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
"Jack-Ass" (Beck)

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
"Domino Dancing" (Pet Shop Boys)

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
"Don't Shit Where You Eat" (Ween)

Hulk Hogan.  Musicianship.  The two are virtually synonymous.  I was fortunate enough to happen upon his "Hulk Hogan and the Wrestling Boot Band" album, and I feel inclined to share it with you.

• Hulkster's in the House (mp3)
  Genre: Hard Rock
  Best lyric: "When the going gets tough, the tough get rough."
  Summary: A generic party anthem, presumably for a party full of weight-lifters who could actually move the house and/or remove its roof.
  
  
• Hulkster's Back (mp3)
  Genre: Synth Pop/Rap
  Best lyric: Spoken overlay of a Valley girl hitting on Hulk, who then challenges her to arm wrestle.
  Summary: The backup chorus is: "Hey, check out the pythons, baby!"  But the first time I heard this song I thought they were singing "Hey, check out the pinecones, baby!" and I was so confused.
  
  
• Wrestling Boot Traveling Band (mp3)
  Genre: Caribbean Adult Contemporary Soft Rock
  Best lyric: N/A
  Summary: Kinda like pro-wrestling's answer to Journey's "Faithfully."  If Jimmy Buffet were singing it at karaoke.  Wearing wrestling boots.
  
  
• Bad to the Bone (mp3)
  Genre: Hard Rock
  

  Best lyric: "Turn up the volume 'cuz we like to rock 'n roll, the girls all know that we're out of control."
  Summary: It's unclear if this is an ode to rock 'n roll... or motorcycles.  Song ends with a motorcycle vrooming by.  I haven't listened to it in stereo surround to confirm whether or not the vroom-vrooms go from left speaker to right like they do at the end of Motley Crue's "Girls, Girls, Girls."
  

  
  
  
• I Want to be a Hulkamaniac (mp3)
  Genre: Synth Pop/Rap
  

  Best lyric: "Always go swimming with a buddy, work real hard, and always study."
  

  Summary: A literal checklist of all the things you should do to be an effective Hulkamaniac (including taking your vitamins!), rapped to you by the Hulkster himself while a chorus of drones sings how you will "have fun with your family and friends."  20+ times.  In immediate succession.  I counted.
  
  
  
• Beach Patrol (mp3)
  Genre: Synth Pop/Rap
  

  Best lyric: "Saw a girl in trouble, a sticky situation.  She wanted me to give her mouth to mouth resuscitation."
  

  Summary: This is just a big mess of mixed styles, I don't even know where to start.  The synth-y intro sounds like the song that Julie Lloyd's cousin Arthur wrote for her to use in her floor exercise on "American Anthem."  Then the first part of the chorus says "We are the beach patrol..." in a voice like the lead singer from Cameo.  The second part of the chorus "We wanna party party party" sounds like En Vogue.  Then Hulk rips off "Whoomp, There It Is" but sings it "Whoops, there it is..." and on the last chorus makes Three Stooges "whoop-whoop-whoop" sounds?
  
  
  
• Hulk's the One (mp3)
  Genre: Adult Contemporary
  

  Best lyric: "My friends all tell me that you're bad to the bone, please be bad to me!"
  

  Summary:  A Pointer Sisters-esque ballad extolling the virtues of Hulk Hogan...in the romantic sense.  One verse has the line "you came on so strong" and I was disappointed they didn't turn this into some sort of wrestling pun, like "you came on so strong, but I countered with a suplex."
  
  
  
• Hulkster in Heaven (mp3)
  Genre: Gospel/Religious
  

  Best lyric: "I used to tear my shirt, but now you've torn my heart."
  

  Summary: An ode to some dead friend, and Hulk promises to "tag up" with them again.  In heaven.  Or ringside.  His narrative is not very consistent.
  
  
  
• Hulk Rules (mp3)
  Genre: Hard Rock
  Best lyric: "He knows that talk is cheap.  If you mess with the Hulkster, he'll rearrange your teeth."
  Summary: The song begins as a threat, explaining how the Hulkster will hurt you...then quickly changes to explain how he will protect you.  Then there is a saxophone solo.
  
  
  
• American Made (mp3)
  Genre: Hard Rock/Ford Truck Commercial Soundtrack
  Best lyric: "He's got the stars and stripes running through his veins."
  Summary: If the Hulk is such a fucking patriot, why did he always wear red and yellow...the colors of the communist regime?  Hmm, Hulk??