Recently in quotes Category

Friday was Halloween, and it was a mighty slow day at work.  Lots of people worked from home that day, my costume was crap, I didn't have much to work on, and so I started drinking beers out of the office fridge around 3pm.  I got a little tipsy and was happy to find some of my Texas friends on IM, so I was typing along and giggling and not 100% paying attention when I got this error message from Microsoft Outlook:






Apparently I tried to snooze a meeting for "eye" minutes.  And Microsoft did not like.

Back in August, I bought 2 tickets to the big Dallas/Ewing/Southfork celebration that's coming up in November.  (One for me, one for my sister.)  A few weeks ago, I ended up getting a third ticket for my friend Shashana...and spent two days on the phone trying to get a hold of someone who could answer some questions about seating so that I could be sure that the 3 of us could sit together even if our tickets weren't purchased in the same bundle.  No one could give me a straight answer, so I just took a chance and trusted we could work it all out when we arrived at Southfork Ranch on night of the event.

Today, almost 3 full weeks later, I finally get my call returned.  (!?)  And it was the strangest voicemail message I think I have ever received.  The voice had creepily perfect diction, and the message started like this:

"Hi Halee, my name is Brad Stevens and I'm the co-producer of an event.  Called the Dallas 30th Anniversary Cast Reunion.  And Ewing Barbeque.  At Southfork."

Brad Stevens talks weird.  He puts full stops.  Where there should just be pauses.  Maybe Brad Stevens.  Is a recording?

"I'm noticing that you have a question about seat-ing.  For three of you.  And whether your third friend who may be joining you will be available to sit.  Together.  Or will be allowed to."

I'm pretty sure my friend is available to sit, Brad.

"The general answer, Halee, is: I think so...but I would like to visit with you a little bit.  BRIEFLY.  If you get a chance.  You can call me.  We'll have a BRIEF chat."

What are you trying to tell me, Brad?  You don't want to have a nice long whispery talk with me for hours and hours, where we both fall asleep on the phone together?  Okay.  I think I can keep our conversation BRIEF.  Unlike your voicemail. 

P.S. Listen for yourself...

As I walked past the counter while holding a cup of water...

Him: "Excuse me, miss?"
Me: "...."
Him: "Miss!?!"
Me: "Huh?  Me?"
Him: "There is a hole in your soda cup there."
Me: "Huh?  Me?"
Him: "Your cup."
Me: "Yeah?"
Him: "There's a hole in it."
Me: "There is?  Oh goodness, am I dripping water everywhere??"  *frantically checking bottom of paper cup*
Him: "Don't you see the hole?"
Me: *continuing to frantically investigate cup's structural integrity*
Him: "The hole is in the top of the cup!    Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahaha!!"

My parents are currently here in Seattle visiting me.  I have dragged them all over: to the pier, through the city, on a lake, through the channel, around the Sound, up the highway, around the casino, etc.  It's always fun to have visitors because it gives me a chance to do some of the sight-seeing stuff I neglect to do as a resident.  And it's always hilariously fun when the visitor is my dad. 

The best way to explain is to provide all his out of context commentary that I documented over the past three days.

Griping at me for trying to pay for stuff...
"Now listen little stinky pot, you're not paying for nothing while we're here."

Modifying his hamburger order at Red Mill because he didn't want a kaiser roll...
"Can I get it on a regular bun instead of a keesher bun?"

Upon seeing a road sign for Tukwila...
"How do you say that?  Tooka-koala?"

Upon seeing a road sign for Snohomish and Wenatchee...
"Have you ever been to...Sn...Snotchy-botchy?"

Trying to learn Jackie and Jeremy's names in advance of meeting them...
"What time are we supposed to meet Jackie and Jerry?"
"What were their names again?  Jessica and Stuart?  No, no, I'm sorry, not Stuart...Delmar?"
"Let me think...Jessica and....Donald?"
"How old is Jackie and Jimmy?"

Mashing up golf, tennis, and horse racing...
"Was there ever a horse named after Greg Norman?  There was after Chris Evert!"

Commenting on the strength of Starbucks coffee...
"Strawback coffee is strong."

Disappointed that the senior special breakfast only came with one egg...
Dad: "I think this is only half an egg."
Me: "Dad...it's a fried egg!  How do you fry half an egg?"
Dad: "Well, that's what I wanted to know!"

Adding more commentary to the Puget Sound cruise...
" 'Barnacle' was the name of the cafe in that John Candy movie, and they won a race in it."

Gawking at people downtown...
"Does she have pink hair?  Or does she have pink hair?"

Trying to classify how a boat is or is not a ferry...
"That's not a ferry!  Where's the ferris wheel?"

Back in my hometown, I am often entered into sports "contest" rings without my knowledge.  My dad or my pretend uncle Johnny will buy extra squares or entries or whatever in a given contest, and then just put my name on it since they can't legally enter multiple times.  I realize this is borderline identity theft, but usually when my name wins...they're very good about sharing the winnings even though I totally had nothing to do with it.

For the Superbowl, my dad entered me in some weird contest where you have a number for Team A, and another number for Team B.  If at any point during the game, if both teams' scores end in your corresponding numbers, you win a wad of cash.  Well, my name won a wad of cash!  I got an envelope in the mail from my dad, which contained a check and this poem:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Eli made the throw
So here's your dough

My dad is so cute.  He always tries to be poetic, but he doesn't understand that it is possible for a poem to not start with "Roses are red..."

Also, in the memo line on the check, he put: "for car repairs".  ???

I was recently going through a special document I have called "Quotations from Various Smurfs.doc."  In it I found this important list of instructional tips for how to succeed in bowling.  I remember going to the bowling alley alone one day, purely to work on my form and do a self-assessment.  Here are the fruits of that research:

1. move index finger
2. get out of own way / drag feet
3. opposite arm flare
4. follow through
5. crouch / lunge
6. flip off opponent

I hope you find this useful in your bowling efforts.

(5:01:27 PM) Matthew:  they delivered my turkey today. thats like 5 whole days early. chris is home sick so its at the homeless place
(5:01:41 PM) halee: what if the homeless eat it???
(5:01:41 PM) Matthew: i guess i would be ok with a homeless person eating it, but id still be bummed
(5:01:46 PM) halee: "bummed!?!?!?"

He didn't even mean to do that, that's how magic Matt is.

Today I got the most amazing email from my friend Val's mom:

FROM: Val
DATE: November 12, 2007
SUBJ: FW: Something for your friend

Please see the note below from Goodie, who is currently in FL.

-----Original Message-----
From: goodie
Subject: Something for your friend

Good Morning:  I read an article last week and I thought about your friend who just moved to Seattle.  It was about couch surfing.  There is an organization that will get you in touch with people that will let you sleep on their couch while you are traveling.  And, sometimes they take you on sightseeing trips in their towns. Anyway here is the address, I though you might sent it to her to check out:  CouchSurfing.com It sounds just like something she would enjoy.  Hope you are having a good weekend.  We went to eat at Auntie Bo's last night and Jan said to tell you that she ate green beans and new potatoes for you.  It was really good. The Blue Angel Air show was awesome yesterday.  Love,  Mom

This reminds me of an amazing email from my own mother that I received a few years ago:

FROM: Mom
DATE: January 16, 2006
SUBJ: Horse Clip Art

I found an American Quarter Horse coloring book that has several horses that I think will work well. Love, Mom

Lifehack tip of the day: I highly recommend starring such emails in your Gmail account for quick reference later when you're having a bad day and need a little love from your mommy in your day.

My dad is a curious fellow. If you know him, you know this because you've probably been on the receiving end of one of his interrogations. He has a wonderful curiosity and need to put the world into a context that he can understand. Lately he's been trying to get his head around Seattle, and Washington in general. For whatever reason, his main focus is on the ethnicity of the people. He asked:

"So...are there a lot of Eskimo-looking people around there?"

I would like to now attempt to follow the logic in my dad's mind:

1. Washington is the closest state to Alaska.
2. Alaska is entirely peopled with Eskimos.
3. Texas is one of the closest states to Mexico.
4. Mexico is entirely peopled with Mexicans.
5. There are a lot of Mexicans in Texas.
6. Ergo, there must be a lot of Eskimos in Washington.

I would also like to somehow export the mental image my father has of these supposed Eskimos running wild through the streets of Seattle. I like to think he's envisioning a lot of very short, smiley brown little people running around in fur parkas with a club in one hand and a dead seal in the other, looking for places to park their dog sleds, and stopping other Eskimos on the street to rub noses and say hello.

At the bar last night, I got into a "who has a more retarded text message in their phone history?" battle with Jeremy.  My best entry was from the one I sent to Micah after Colleen gave us our MeanBags™.  It said:

"Dear fuckstick,
Hope you're enjoying your new douchebag as much as I'm enjoying mine!
love,
dicktard"

Then this turned into a whole conversation about the usefulness of the word "douche," its increased use in our respective vocabularies, and the awesomeness of the variation "douchedragon."  To prove that I had been using the word "douche" a lot (perhaps even over-using it), I mentioned how when I type in the letter D on a text message, my predictive text brings up "douchebag" as one of the first suggested words.  When I typed it in my phone to demonstrate, all the oft-used D words actually made up a sentence.  A relatively amazing sentence:

"Do, don't down doing down...will do-me Dollywood douchebag."

Ack!  Which I just realized could be a really great twist on the Andy Milonakis song "Me No Like Hollywood Douchebags!"  Filming on location at Dollywood will begin next summer!