kotaraindustries.com, the helsinki branch

Happy International Women's Day, I Guess?

Tue, 09 Mar 2010 00:26:53 +0600

A couple of weeks ago, a male colleague of mine gave me a second-hand verbal meeting request for the morning of March 8 (today). This annoyed me. For several reasons:

This particular colleague generally tries my patience. He tends to boss me around all the time, and him ordering me to attend a meeting (especially with no details on why my attendance was mandatory) made me want to ditch on principle.
I had other shit to do and didn't really have time to spend my whole morning on a status meeting that had nothing to do with me.
That is disorganized. Don't tell me about a meeting and expect me to remember/show up! Forward me the official Outlook scheduler request from the original meeting organizer, jackass. Otherwise if details of the meeting change, I won't know.

So this morning I went to the agency office for this alleged "meeting." Over the past year, vague mandatory meetings have come to mean "someone is getting fired," so I was pretty uneasy. I patiently and confusedly and worriedly sat through their weekly status discussion. Then when the meeting was wrapping up (and no one was fired), Samuel the meeting leader announced that all the ladies needed to get out of the conference room, and go gather by the desks.

I continued to be confused. And scared. All the other girls stood around grinning like they knew what was up, and I was panicking. I hate not knowing what's going on.

Then suddenly...all the Wunderboys emerged from the conference room bearing roses!? And chocolates!? And each boy handed a rose to one predetermined girl, along with a quick hug and/or kiss!?

Then suddenly...a guitar appeared? And then all the boys stood and serenaded us???

And one guy used a beer can filled with rocks AS A MARACA??!!??

As it turns out, all the secrecy and trickery was because today is International Women's Day and all the Wunderboys were being particularly sweet and sensitive and European and adorable about it:

"Started as a Socialist political event, the holiday blended in the culture of many countries, primarily Eastern Europe, Russia, and the former Soviet block. In many regions, the day lost its political flavor, and became simply an occasion for men to express their love for women in a way somewhat similar to a mixture of Mother's Day and St Valentine's Day.

And they totally made my day/week/month/quarter.

And I won't ruin this nice story with what they told me was expected from women on "International Men's Day."

Writing Poetry to My Landlord (On Accident)

Thu, 25 Feb 2010 21:04:21 +0600

I seem to always luck out with landlords. The landlords of my apartment here in Helsinki may rank as the sweetest ever. (You may remember them, you met them before.) Eero is really kind-hearted and checks in on me over email from time to time to make sure my apartment is warm enough, that I don't have the swine flu, to see how my Finnish lessons are going, etc.

He stopped by my apartment briefly last night to let in a maintenance worker. I had told him I wouldn't be home to let the worker in, but I got confused with the dates so we were both very surprised to see each other. Afterwards, he followed up by email....

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from    Eero
to    Halee
date    Wed, Feb 24, 2010 at 7:55 PM
subject    today

Hello Halee agein!

Fortunatelly the replacement of the meter was not a major operation ; no pulling down of any cupboard as anticipated. I was so pleased to see you, hope you can limit your working hours somehow ! Winter can be a little depressing, but pretty soon the sun willl be shineing brightly and reflect intensively back from the snow. Then folks get the natural dose of vitamin D !!

Eero

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from    Halee
to    Eero
date    Wed, Feb 24, 2010 at 9:55 PM
subject    Re: today

Hi! I am so sorry that you came all the way over to let the worker in when I was actually home. I got confused with the dates, I hope it did not waste too much of your time. The worker left a few minutes after you, he was very fast.

It was nice to see you, too! I was happy because today (tänään?) there was sunshine (aurinko?), I can feel spring (kevät?) coming soon. The winter (talvi?) has been beautiful (kaunis?), but I am tired (väsynyt?) of it and ready for a change! Hopefully March (maaliskuu?) will be warmer (lämmin?).

ready for vitamin D,

halee

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from    Eero
to    Halee
date    Thu, Feb 25, 2010 at 4:07 PM
subject    Re: today

Hi Halee,

Don t worry of my lost time. Would I be any wiser watching instead Dr. Phil on TV yesterday, hardly.!

Your two lines resemble poetry. Here comes translated version in finnish.

Oli hauska nähdä myös! Olen onnellinen, koska tänään ( today ? ) aurinko ( sun ? ) paistaa, Voin tuntea kevään ( spring? ) tulevan pian.

Talvi ( winter ? ) on ollut kaunis, mutta olen väsynyt ( tired ) siihen ja valmis muutokseen! Toivottavasti maaliskuu ( march ) on lämpimämpi ( warmer ? )

Eero

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Finding Björn Borg in Sweden

Sun, 14 Feb 2010 17:18:52 +0600

A few weeks ago, I went to Sweden to visit friends and completely neglected to write about it. I look the Viking Line cruise over to Stockholm (which was amazing to crush through the frozen sea and navigate all the thousands of little archipelagos), and took the train to Gothenburg. It was sort of a low-key weekend, and we mostly just hang out at their apartment. This was my third time to visit Gothenburg, so I didn't really need to see all the sights again, and I was happy to just have a quiet/giggly weekend with old friends.

Jeanette kept asking if there was anything special I wanted to do. And really my only objective was to see them, but I did think up one little request. You see, I am a huge fan of Björn Borg, the 70s tennis god. Björn Borg is Swedish. And Björn Borg is also a brand...they make shoes and bags and athletic gear and panties with his name all over them. And although they have Björn Borg stores here in Helsinki, it meant far more to me to buy some Björn Borg goods in the man's home country. So that was my only request: to visit a Björn Borg store to buy a new bag, or possibly....a headband!

So on my last day in town, we headed to a shopping area and went to an official Björn Borg store. Here are the events as they occurred:

I immediately noticed there were no bags at this particular store, and tried to hide my disappointment.
I went to plan B to look for a headband, but there were none. Disappointment was steadily rising.
Feeling pressed for time and like I was being annoying, I just decided to buy a pair of Björn Borg panties and call it good. I found a pair of red boyshorts, and went to the cashier.
As the girl was ringing me up, Jeanette noticed a clearance table with a bunch of polo shirts...with bonus headbands attached to them!! She asked the cashier for me if I could just buy the headband and not the polo, and the girl said no. They were a package deal only.
Right after the cashier girl denied my request to purchase the headband separately, she grabbed some scissors, went over to the table and cut the headband off the shirt, and gave it to me with a little wink....for FREE! Disappointment reversal!
After profusely thanking her, on the way out of the store we had to pass through the men's section, which I had completely ignored. Near the front was a table of tshirts made to look like retro iron-on tshirts that said "I LOVE BJORN BORG." I flipped out, grabbed one, and went back to the cashier.
Converted total disappointment into total elation!

For your review...

And Now For a Word About the Cold and the Snow

Wed, 27 Jan 2010 03:40:07 +0600

In honor of it being -25 DEGREES CELCIUS today (that's -13 F!?!), I think it's high time that I talk about the cold and the snow. I was reading about average temperatures in Helsinki yesterday to try to understand when it will warm up, and I was surprised to see that it's been about 10 degrees colder than the average since I've been here. I confronted my boss/client about that today, and he said, "Oh yeah...this is like the coldest winter in Helsinki, well, in my lifetime."

Great.

Actually, I've adjusted better than I thought I would. (Which isn't saying much because I expected instant hypothermic death when I stepped outside.) Obviously I'm used to Texas weather where there are only a few super-cold and/or snowy days per year. The snow is an exciting and rare event in Texas. Here in Helsinki, it's a daily reality.

Sidewalks

All the sidewalks are completely snowed over, and have been for months. I can't tell you how much snow is there, but it's enough that it's difficult to visually distinguish where the sidewalk ends and the street begins. Someone goes around town and scrapes all the sidewalks, and then sprinkles them with gravel and/or sand and/or salt to make them safer for walking. The snow gets pretty hard-packed, and when you walk on it in rubber soled boots, it makes the weirdest sound. I've struggled to define the sound which is something between a "crunch" and a "squeak", and the best I can come up with is "squoonch." (And yes, I did double-check that "squoonch" wasn't in urbandictionary.com before I published this.)

As long as it stays below freezing, all is well. It's been very weird to learn and accept the fact that it getting above freezing is a BAD thing. Below is good because all the streets and sidewalks just stay snowy. If it thaws, it will freeze again then you have to walk on black ice instead of white powdery snow.

Bus/Tram Stops
Every time I walk up to my tram stop, I immediately get annoyed because I see that everyone around the stop is smoking, and that I'm going to have to stand in the middle of all that stinky cigarette smoke while I wait for my ride. Then I realize no one is smoking, it's just their breath!

Streets

Pretty pristine white snow + dirty cars = volcanic ash snow nastiness.

Cars

When I first arrived, my dad was very worried about me not having a car here. Dad, I don't want a car here. See Exhibit A at left.

Piles of Scraped Snow

All that scraped snow from the streets and sidewalks has to go somewhere. And it usually ends up on random street corners in a huge pile. This one you see behind the white car is a small one. Many of them are the height of two cars stacked on top of each other.

Drifts and Sparkles
One of the wonderful things about Helsinki is that even though it's very urban, there are still lots of areas within the city that have little pockets of nature. When I walk to my bus stop from the office, I walk through a semi-wooded area where there are pure untouched, unstomped snowdrifts. And when it's dusk (which is usually), the streetlights catch all the little sparkles in the snow and it seriously is so pretty it just takes your breath away. Unfortunately there is no way to capture that in a photograph. I think it's probably more magical and accurate if you just imagine it, anyway.

And speaking of beautiful snowy, icy nature...

Trees

In conclusion, Helsinki is coooooooold. But you know what? Even though there are definitely moments when I'm completely freezingly miserable (i.e. can't feel my appendages, having chapped lips/nose/eyes, lungs burning from the arctic air, slipping on ice and falling), when I look around at the landscape, it's pretty amazingly beautiful. So beautiful, in fact, that it makes me forget how cold I am...

Speaking Spanish/Finnish (Spinnish?)

Thu, 21 Jan 2010 04:39:06 +0600

I went to my colleague's house for dinner tonight. This colleague is a Spanish guy married to a Finnish girl, and they have an adorable 4-year-old son who speaks both Spanish and Finnish. The little boy is too young to have learned much English yet, although he apparently fakes like he speaks English sometimes by walking around jabbering and littering his jabber with the only English words he knows: "chicken" and "fish."

My Finnish is only at the level of a 1 month old baby, but my Spanish is decent enough to carry on a conversation with a 4-year-old. So this little boy and I became fast friends.

When we were in the house, he wouldn't talk much. He mostly just pointed and giggled at me, giggled at the toys he brought in to show me, at his coloring book, whatever. But when we got in the car so they could give me and Leslie a lift to the metro station...the little boy suddenly became very chatty.

After arguing with him in Spanish for 10 minutes on why he shouldn't open the door while the car was moving, he took off his glove and held it in my face. This conversation ensued:

Boy: "íCómelo!" ("Eat it!")
Me: "Ew, ¡no!" ("Ew, no!")
Boy: "íCÓMELO!" ("EAT IT!")
Me: "No. Tiene el olor de....stinky." ("No, it smells like...stinky.")
Boy: "Chicken?" ("Chicken?")

I had begged him all evening to say his English words to me, and as it turns out, all I had to say was "stinky" and he would be ready to talk about chicken.

Once Upon a Time I Went to Turku

Mon, 11 Jan 2010 00:41:19 +0600

My friend Tanja went to Turku for the weekend with her husband, and invited me to join up with them on Saturday. It's only two hours west of Helsinki by train and one of my resolutions was to do a better job at exploring my new country, so duh, I said yes. Here is how to have fun in Turku:

Ride the Train There
Just show up at the train station and buy a ticket, and then get ushered to a big roomy seat with giant windows. After so much time on planes lately, I was in heaven. And after being too excited to sleep the night before, I was also very very tired, so I slept for most of the trip. At one point I woke up at a station where we were stopped, and saw all these stacks of logs covered in snow, so I vowed to wake up, pay attention, and enjoy the scenery, which was snowy and beautiful.
Find Your Friend Quickly, It's Cold!
Tanja's hotel was a short walk from the Turku train station, but no walk is "short" when it's -38432984 C outside. And the sun was out, which turns out is a bad thing, if you can believe that. Sunny = no clouds. No clouds = nothing to hold the heat in. Confusing.
Go to the Turku Library
As I mentioned it was super super cold yesterday, so we popped into the Library for sightseeing and warmth. It's a really interesting building because they kept a very old historical building, and added on a super new modern section...but it's all seamless and somehow works despite the very different styles. I was most excited about the microfiche machine.
Visit the Turku Cathedral
The Cathedral is one of the two biggest attractions in town, and as we were walking there I confessed my greatest fear about winters in Finland: slipping on the ice and falling and hurting myself. About 30 seconds later when the cathedral came into view, I said "wow", grabbed my camera, and started trying to find the ideal vantage point for my photo...and stepped into a little snow hole and fell. Oh, well. At least it wasn't ice.
Go to the Turku Museum of Modern Art and Archeology (?) and Get Tipsy on Hot Chocolate
At that point we had been walking around for a while and were pretty cold, so we decided to duck into a little cafe at an art museum for some hot chocolate. This was a contemporary art museum, built on top of some old ruins. Part of the ruins stick up/out into the museum, and the rest is underground and they have panes of glass in the floor so you can see the hallways of the medieval building underneath you.

We asked the barista to give our hot chocolates a little extra oomph and to add some Minttu (peppermint liqueur). He obliged, but I think instead of just adding a shot, he did equal parts liquor and hot chocolate. I bought a postcard of some little Finnish boys playing cowboy (foreshadowing...) in the gift shop and we left very warm and very tipsy.
Tour the Turku Castle
I mentioned there were two main attractions in Turku, the cathedral was one and this castle is the other. It's a medieval castle, with several rooms of exhibitions of Finnish cultural stuff. They didn't have an English tour, so they just gave us a little booklet in English that explained everything. I read it out loud to Tanja, and became our very ineffectual defacto tour guide. My favorite part was the scale model of the castle...which included a toy car parked out in front of it!? (See middle photo below.)
Visit "The Restroom"
Since we had seen all the main sites, we decided it was time for a beer. As it turns out, Turku also has a bar called "The Restroom," just like Helsinki! This one held a little truer to the theme on the inside, as the walls were adorned with lots of books about bathrooms and with plants growing out of chamber pots.
Take a Sauna
Tanja's hotel had a sauna, so we decided after such a long, cold day of walking around outside, we'd take a quick sauna before we met up with her husband and friends for dinner. Just like last time, there was a little boy in there and it's hard not to feel weird about gettin' all nekkid in front of a child...but again, I just had to shut off all my normal prudishness. It seriously does feel awesome to be so sweatily hot when you've been so numbingly cold.

There was a small balcony off the sauna room overlooking the city center square, and we finally got warm enough that we were ready to stand outside for a moment. I've been warned/threatened about how people often follow a sauna with a dip in an icy lake or by rolling around in snow...so when I wasn't looking Tanja dumped handfuls of snow on my shoulders!!!!! ACK!

P.S. These photos have nothing to do with our actual post-Restroom sauna, these photos were from the exhibition at the castle, but whatever...
Have Drinks at the Pharmacy
I'm sensing a theme here. Turku has a bar called "The Restroom." They also have a bar (shown below) called "The Pharmacy." And another called "The School," and another called "The Bank." I will forever be suspicious of anyone claiming to go on errands, because I now assume everything is the name of a bar! "Oh, I have to stop by 'The Post Office' on my way home." Whatever, drunkie.
Have Dinner on the Cindy Boat
There is a river called the Aura that runs through the middle of Turku, and in warm, summery times it is lined with boats that are docked along the sides that are bars and restaurants. Obviously in the winter, most of these are closed. Also in winter, the river is frozen over (see below, all that to the right of the boats where those tracks are is where the river is supposed to be.) This photo was taken earlier in the day, but we went to one of the few boat restaurants that was open for dinner. Fortunately it was very toasty inside. Unfortunately, the heating system did not extend to the bathroom area. I ate a snail.

Go to the Castle to Hang Out With Cowboys
All day, Tanja kept mentioning a friend of hers who was excited to meet me because I am a Texan. Apparently he had visited Texas a while back, and underwent a total transformation while there and returned with a belt buckle, Stetson hat, and thick Texas accent. I was equally excited to meet him.

His accent was hilarious and great. Sadly, I was not able to capture him talking on video. It would be worth going back just to do a quick documentary on him.
Ride the Train Back to Helsinki
Unfortunately I wasn't able to hang out very late, because the last train left at 9. So I said goodbye to my friends, and hopped on the train. (I love how you can show up 10 minutes before the train leaves, buy your ticket and still make it with plenty of time to spare.) I fell asleep against the window, thinking it would be like the trip over and I'd sleep lightly and wake up at every station. No. I fell asleep HARD. I woke up inside the empty train car sitting at the station in Helsinki. I have no idea how long I was there, or why no one woke me up!!

All in all, lovely day in Turku...goodbye castle! Goodbye 260 proof hot chocolate! Goodbye inexplicable Finnish cowboy!

The Restroom

Thu, 07 Jan 2010 02:46:16 +0600

Wednesday was a Finnish public holiday. Obviously everyone goes drinking on Tuesday night. The Wundergirls and Wunderboys invited me to join them for pre-Epiphany drinks. (Sidenote: it appears the Wundergirls and Wunderboys have started referring to themselves at the Wundergirls and Wunderboys. I am very pleased and tickled by this.)

After a nice traditional Finnish dinner, someone suggested we go to the restroom for drinks and karaoke. I think I looked at them blankly for 5 solid minutes as I tried to figure that out.

Ahh, "The Restroom":

The first thing I did when we got to The Restroom was to go to the restroom, which is conveniently and thematically and accurately the first thing you see when you walk in. Then there were many beers. And many songs, including but not limited to:

"Summer of '69" by Bryan Adams
Performed by Ville and Jaakko - The boys did a lot of hand-holding and lovingly looking into each other's eyes during the more tender parts of the song. And during all the musical breaks, Ville was kind enough to announce to the audience that there would be a "25 second musical interlude" at certain points during the song.
"Pamela" by Jaakko Teppo
Performed by Tanja, Tanja's friend whose name I can't remember but when Tanja reads this and tells me what her name was I will fix this, and me - Um, this song is in Finnish. And even though I've listened to it a few dozen times and am getting better at pronouncing Finnish words, I was totally lost. I resorted to mouthing "strawberry, watermelon, strawberry, watermelon." But I did sing the chorus, and make the moped sound effects.
"9 to 5" by Dolly Parton
Performed by me - Duh. When have I ever not sung this? Seriously, when I die just put "Tumbled out of bed and stumbled in the kitchen" on my gravestone.
"La Isla Bonita" by Madonna
Performed by Ville, Jaakko, and me - This one was hard, because as a child I rewrote the lyrics to this one to be about allergies at harvest time, and I kept almost slipping and singing those lyrics. "Allergic to the harvest breeze, full of pollen makes me wheeze, blows through the wind and in my eye..."
"Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen
Technically performed by Steve - I say "technically" because we all couldn't help but join him. We all got carried away with the spirit of Freddie Mercury, and sang the shit out of this song together. It was equally epic to the Muppets version. How I remember it, anyway.

Later we moved on a non-karaoke bar, but when the super catchy "Wonderwall" by Oasis came on the loudspeaker, we were all still in a sing-songy mood and drunk enough that we sang along, anyway. Oh! And I just remembered the Finnish American Idol was there, I forgot about that! That is the second Finnish American Idol I've seen since I moved here, Helsinki is crawling with them!

My New Year's Kiss

Mon, 04 Jan 2010 20:25:41 +0600

I went back to Texas for the Christmas break, and it was wonderful. Except for the part where it was 70 degrees on the day before I arrived, and as my plane was circling Arkansas deciding when to land...it was 30 and snowing in Dallas/Fort Worth! What? Why!? Well, I never!

It all melted on Christmas day, and then I spent the next week going around on all my little social calls to various friends. Shashana had me over for hot cocoa. Cousin Allison snuck me into Aunt Sandie and Uncle Bob's for dinner. Morley sacrificed his house so Jackie, Jeremy, and I could have people over like Rhonda and Micah and Rachel, and we stayed up late sitting around the kitchen table eating Little Debbie Snack Cakes and giggling. The next day we had breakfast at the ol' T&A truck stop. Staci and I watched the Hangover on PPV and ate popcorn balls. Holly, Cari, and I downed several bottles of wine. Val met me for breakfast at a divey diner in FW that I am SO MAD I didn't know about when I lived there. Then...onto Granbury for some quality time with Jackie and Jeremy who were in town from Seattle. I specifically wanted to be with them on New Year's Eve, because I've spent the last few New Year's Eveses with them.

So there we were, watching Travis Pastrana jump the rally car over the Bellagio or whatever. Then the ball dropped. Everybody on TV was kissing. Jackie and Jeremy started kissing. Jeremy's sister and her husband were kissing. Jeremy's parents were totally making out. And there I was, the seventh wheel and there was no one for me to kiss but the dog. So I did.

The end.

Ode to Pamela Ewing

Wed, 23 Dec 2009 09:27:05 +0600

Every time I have ever gone to a foreign country and mentioned I lived in Dallas, I always get lots of questions about J.R. and the rest of the Ewings. When this came up with my Finnish friends here, Tanja told me about an amazing Finnish song that was written about and dedicated to Pamela Ewing. (A country song, of course!) Behold:

I will now attempt to translate this song for you. Please note:

I do not speak Finnish, so this should be interesting.
This is based off a combination of Google's shady translation engine and my faulty memory of what Tanja explained to me.
That sound effect in the beginning is a moped engine, and not a chainsaw like I originally thought. This is Jaakko Teppo, not Jackyl, for god's sake.

"Pamela" - by Jaakko Teppo

"
It's Friday night again and I'm on my moped.
I'm going home to watch Dallas on the color TV.
They are so famous and they take bribes.

You will be on the screen,
And I never want to turn it off.

(chorus)
Pam-Pam-Pam-Pam-Pamela!
Oh you, you wonderful you.
Pam-Pam-Pam-Pam-Pamela!
Pam-Pam-Pamela!

Yes, you live a different kind of life.
With all that oil.
And big boobs and bulls.
In Dallas.

(chorus)
Pam-Pam-Pam-Pam-Pamela!
Oh you, you wonderful you.
Pam-Pam-Pam-Pam-Pamela!
Pam-Pam-Pamela!

Lucy is too short.
Sue Ellen drinks too much whiskey.
You are the one I want.

I can offer you a lot.
There is an extra seat on my moped.
Come with me and we will ride through the swamp.
Leaving Dallas behind in a puff of steam smoke."

(chorus)
Pam-Pam-Pam-Pam-Pamela!
Oh you, you wonderful you.
Pam-Pam-Pam-Pam-Pamela!
Pam-Pam-Pamela!

Top 10 Highlights of My Trip to London

Wed, 23 Dec 2009 00:48:59 +0600

Visiting the spot where the cholera outbreak of the mid 1800s started...and not only finding the exact spot where the cholera-spouting pump was, but finding a whole pub there dedicated to cholera!
Making a Q-Tipped-Headed Guard at the Tower of London giggle.
Making shrinky dinks and sitting on the floor of Leslie's kitchen, gathered around the oven ooo-ing and ahh-ing. There were moments where we were spazzing out all excited like Arsenio Hall audience members. It kept looking like they were going to roll up and be ruined...but wait! It flattened back out, yay! So triumphant!
Playing drinking games at Leslie's local pub:

Quick-thinking name game, where I say "Regis Philbin" and so you say something like "Pliny the Elder" and then the next person says "Eddie Guerrero". Then, much like UNO, if someone does a name with the same letter for first and last name...reversal! If you can't think of something, drink up.
"The Minister's Cat". This is basically an alphabet game where you all clap out a rhythm, and go around the table inserting an adjective with that round's letter to describe the Minister's cat. "The Minister's cat is an awful cat." "The Minister's cat is an aerobics cat." Etc... If you can't think of an adjective, drink up, and proceed to the next letter of the alphabet. Andy was awesomely hilarious at this one, he was getting all in a twist: "THERE ARE NO MORE K ADJECTIVES!!!!"

Getting a million British Invasion songs stuck in my head, particularly:

"Going Underground" by The Jam, stuck each time I passed a London Underground sign which was every 12 seconds.
"Waterloo Sunset" by The Kinks, stuck when I passed Waterloo Station and wondered if Terry and Julie would be meeting there on Friday.
"Pictures of Jimmy" by The Who, which was me absent-mindedly getting confused between "Pictures of Lily" and "Dr. Jimmy and Mr. Jim."

Learning that Leslie (if given the proper sunglasses) can do a ridiculously amazing Yoko Ono impersonation. "The sun is down. It's getting...so dark."
At customs, the customs agent yawned in my face, and I smarted off to him saying that he wasn't allowed to yawn when I was so tired. He said, "Oh, it's just that I read your occupation is a web analyst, and I couldn't help but yawn."
Unexpectedly happening upon a big Christmas caroling session at Trafalgar Square. And unexpectedly not being able to sing along. Did you know that there is a whole other violently different melody to "Away in a Manger"? And if you try to sing the American version along with the English version, it does NOT magically harmonize? And then you just end up looking tone deaf?
Discovering that the Elgin Marbles at the British Museum are not those kinds of marbles, but the crumbled remains of the Parthenon.
Pumpkin pie. Not, not THAT kind of pumpkin pie. When I say "pie," think Shepard's pie kind of pie. We went to a traditional English comfort food place, and I was so confused when pumpkin pie was listed with the entrees and not the desserts. It was explained that it was more of a casserole, filled with big chunks of cooked pumpkin all gooey with cheese and topped with a pastry cover. Amazing.

I had a lovely time in London, and I am looking forward to going back a few more times in the next year. Stonehenge, get ready! Wimbledon, look out!

Concert Review: Finnish Heavy Metal Christmas Carols

Sat, 19 Dec 2009 07:24:53 +0600

Wow. I just witnessed something surreal and amazing and crazy. I almost feel like I don't deserve to have seen and experienced what I just saw...it's like it was a secret Finnish ritual that I snuck in and watched without the proper credentials. I am talking about Raskasta Joulua, aka Heavy Christmas. This is an annual Christmas concert where local heavy metal dudes play traditional Finnish Christmas songs in the key of METAL.

Throughout 98.7% of this concert, I just stood there with my mouth open in amazement. All the songs and onstage banter were in Finnish, so I was obviously a little lost. But music is music, and heavy metal wailing is heavy metal wailing...so it was still very easy to appreciate the magic that was going on. Remember when Corn Mo and John Freeman used to do their cover of Temple of the Dog's "Hunger Strike"? And how awesome that was? Well take that, multiply it by seven metric tons and add a splash of Ronnie James Dio in a nativity scene as the Baby Jesus, that's how awesome Raskasta Joulua was. The bass player guy looked like a cross between Nuno Bettancourt and Toki Wartooth. One of the 5 leader singers looked like Nikki Six. Another looked like the 1988 Mark Slaughter. Another looked like Kevin Nash. Another looked like Glenn Danzig's younger, taller brother. Another looked like Baby Varg (he was actually the Finnish American Idol). Another looked like a drunk billy goat.

Thankfully, most of the Finnish songs have the exact same melody as the American ones, so I wasn't completely lost. So even if I couldn't sing along, I could hum along. Oh! But there was one song where I could sort of sing along! Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Here is my version of the Finnish version:

"Taka-taka-taka-taka PORO,
taka taka taka taka tak!"

"Poro" is reindeer, which I learned from all the menus here because reindeers aren't cute Santa pets, they are FOOD. Anyway, here is the real version:

At the end they threw Christmas tree ornaments at us, and then threw a Christmas tree at us. Merry Christmas, in your FACE!

Happy Finnish Independence Day!

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 00:35:30 +0600

Today is Finnish Independence Day. I'm still trying to figure this out, but from the best I can tell it is like a combination of 4th of July, Veterans Day, Memorial Day, Thanksgiving, and Oscar night. The entire day is spent in celebration of Finland declaring their independence from Russia in 1917. (I think.) They have parades, dignitaries go hang out in cemeteries to honor the dead soldiers, they wheel out the remaining veterans (apparently there are about 2 left) to clap at them, and then 2,000 special people are selected to attend the President's Ball. At the ball, they all wear super fancy dresses (usually by Finnish designers) and tuxedos, queue up for their chance to shake the President's hand, and then the Finnish equivalent of Joan Rivers and Steven Cojocaru run commentary on what everyone is wearing.

It is basically 2 hours of this:

I'm about an hour and a half in, and I have seen:

Several women whose dresses look like they drifted right in from a figure skating performance.
One girl who had her hair in one of those pompadour-style ponytails, and had pink rhinestones lining the sides of her head like racing stripes.
James Lipton!?! No, sorry. Fakeout.
The infinite patience of President Tarja "Conan O'Brien" Halonen, who has to shake the hands of 2,000 people.

Pikkujoulu aka Little Christmas (1 of 3)

Sun, 06 Dec 2009 03:15:32 +0600

Last night was Christmas party 1 of 3. This one was at the agency with all the Wundergirls and Wunderboys. Party 2 will be just a small affair with me and the three guys on my immediate team. Party 3 will be the big huge corporate Christmas party thrown by the client, so big that I actually have to pay money to attend. These early Christmas parties are called "Little Christmas" or "Pikkujoulu."

We started last night's fun at the office, where we had drinks (including glögi, the traditional hot wine drink), catered dinner, and a presentation on why selling bottled water is as stupid as selling bags of air. Then we just hung out, dancing and playing Beatles Rock Band and decorating gingerbread cookies. Like these:

Then they handed out a lyrics sheet (all in Finnish of course) to a song called "Tonttujen Jouluyö." We all sang the song and acted out what was happening in the lyrics, which was cute but there was one problem...I had no idea what I was singing. So I just confusedly did what everyone else did, but a few seconds behind. We started on the ground and had to dramatically stand up, then dance around squaredancing-style, then pretend to eat, and then walk around all hunched over. I was offered two explanations of what the song was about:

It was a children's song about little Christmas elves who sneak out of their holes and tip-toe around, go into people's houses, eat their food, dance, play, and then pick up their messes and sneak off on tip-toes back to their elf holes.
It was a song for the annual ritual where we reaffirm our allegiance to Satan. As a first-time participant, I was Satan's newest bride. The part at the end where we hunched over was our descent back into the fiery pit of hell.

In either case, I very much liked the line "Tip-tap, tip-tap, tipe-tipe, tip-tap, tip, tip, tap!" Someone shot a video of our song and dance and will be posting it on youtube so we can send it out as a company Christmas card, and of course I will share that as soon as I get the link.

Shortly after we headed to a fancy cocktail bar, where we had yummy berry-based cocktails and broke approximately 40 champagne glasses because everyone was pretty wasted. It was really nice because the music wasn't too too loud so you could actually talk and joke around with everyone. Apparently I talked and laughed a lot, because my voice is totally hoarse today. While we were at the cocktail lounge, one of the Wundergirls told me about a bar next door, which is one of Helsinki's best rock bars so we went to check that out. There's an upstairs bar part and a downstairs venue, and lots of rocker types hanging around. It is the Finnish Gatti's!! Yay, a potential candidate for my bar...in that sense becoming the Finnish Tin Hat!

After that, a few of us went and got some pizza. While eating my pizza, I looked at my watch and saw that it was 5am. The party started at 4pm. This was a THIRTEEN HOUR PARTY. Realizing it was so late/early made me suddenly very tired, so I called it a night. Another one of the Wundergirls shared a cab with me, and I managed to get all the way home without vomiting in my mouth OR on my knee! I consider that a success, although I think all my Finnish friends would probably be a little disappointed.

My First Finnish Haircut

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 23:11:34 +0600

My poor hair. With all the craziness of life and moving, I haven't bothered to get my hair cut in over 5 months. So my super layered haircut has been looking very scraggly. And I seem to have been experiencing some sort of "Marge Simpson Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder" where my hair is falling out and getting very thin. Then add to that the day I was walking around with my very heavy laptop bag, and I hurriedly tried to switch it from one shoulder to the other and managed to yank out a fistful of my hair in the process.

All that means that I have been walking around looking like this:

Look at my pony tail on the picture in the right! Look at how skinny and scrawny and gross that is!

I got several recommendations on hair salons, and selected the stylist who was a gay boy. That seemed the smartest. His rad name also helped him win the selection process: Veltsu.

I went to visit Veltsu today. After a few very confused moments when I walked up to the door of the salon and thought the sign said it was a tattoo parlor, he came out into the street and rescued me. (Note: it is a tattoo parlor. AND a hair salon. Thank you, Finland, for always being so metal.) Thank goodness he spoke awesome English, I was very nervous about trying to explain what I wanted via mime.

And what did I want? I wanted him to make me look like a cross between Nicholas Bradford from Eight is Enough and my 7-year-old self, but you know, like in a super-stylish super-Finnish way.

Good ol' Veltsu. He was totally thorough and meticulous and spent a long time making sure everything was even and right. We had the best time and I was able to educate him about the existence of Dollywood, and teach him new English words like "hillbilly." And he totally delivered, hair-wise:

See!? I am Nicholas Bradford, just like I wanted!! It's shorter than I was ready for, but it was nasty and needed to be chopped off. And dang if I don't look super authentically Finnish now! And it still can be corralled in a ponytail, which was my only length requirement. This will definitely take some getting used to, but I think I love it. I know this because on the walk home from the salon I found myself singing the theme song from "Alice" to myself. You know:

"There's a new girl in town
And she's looking good.
There's a fresh freckled face
In the neighborhood.

There's a new girl in town
With a brand new style.
She was just passing through,
But if things work out she's gonna stay...a while...bom bum bum bym-bummm."

We'll see how it looks tomorrow when I'm in charge of styling it. I may be singing a different theme song. Like maybe the theme from Garry Shandling's show, I always liked that one.

The Night I Threw Up on My Knee

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 21:28:11 +0600

This post is pretty outdated, since the events contained here actually happened weeks ago. Oops. You'll understand momentarily, because I was obviously in no shape to write in the day(s) after it all happened, and then I've been out of town for the past week.

So the only friends I've really made so far are the girls from the office. Unfortunately, it's not the office I actually go to every day since I sit at the client's office and not with the other agency people, so it's a real treat when I get to hang out with them. The day after the sauna, the office girls (heretofore to be referred to as The Wundergirls) invited me out for drinks. It was a Thursday. In Helsinki, that can mean only one thing: you are going to Kaarle to drink cheap sparkling wine and dance on tables.

My new American-friend-in-Finland Joe explains:

"It is a typically Finnish metastasized after-work party in which 30-50 year olds act like they just discovered this amazing new substance, alcohol, that makes you act crazy. It is really funny how in Finland at every age people act like frat boys when you pump them with beer, and the Finnish definition of going out for a beer implies that you will not remember how you got home. I have Finnish friends who are married with kids and go out once a month or something, and if they can remember how they got home or if they do not have a mind-numbing hangover the next day they get mad at themselves for not drinking enough!"

We ate at a Tex-Mex place (irony duly noted), and then headed to Kaarle early so we wouldn't have to wait in line to get in. I'm sure I've complained about how expensive everything here is, but there is one thing that is dirt cheap: those dang bottles of sparkling wine! If you know me, you know that I am not supposed to have alcoholic beverages with bubbles. I'm certainly not supposed to have a bottle and a half's worth of alcoholic beverages with bubbles.

Needless to say, I don't remember the second half of the evening. Here are the scattered memories I do have:

Hearing the Finnish version of "Is This the Way to Amarillo?" (Irony duly noted AGAIN.)
Going to the bathroom and realizing halfway through that I hadn't bothered to shut the stall door.
Standing on the booth seat and dancing like I was in a Scandal video being chased by The Warrior.
Practicing my pronunciation of "Pohjoinen Hesperiankatu."
Being walked down to the entry way by one of the Wundergirls, and having her help me put my coat on and putting me in a cab. I don't remember deciding to leave or wanting to leave, I think it was decided on my behalf.
Riding in the cab, and suddenly throwing up in my own mouth. I was terrified of getting anything anywhere in the cab, so I just held it. Then the cab driver asked me something, I forgot about what was in my mouth, and so I answered him and got puke all over my knee.

Now that that's explained, today in an email one of the Wundergirls addressed me as "Vomit Stain Lady" to which Leslie suggested I start going by "VSL". And that looks like "YSL" aka "Yves Saint Laurent", which makes me laugh so hard that it went from something so nasty to so classy! I will get to work monogramming everything immediately.