Recently in wrestling Category

I tried to figure out how to go home to Texas for the week of Christmas, really I did.  But it was just excessively expensive, and I thought a nice quiet Christmas in Seattle actually sounded really nice.  (Note: my family's big holiday gathering is at Thanksgiving, and we do presents and everything at the end of November so we don't have to fuck with it in December. It hasn't been required to go home for Christmas Proper in about 10-15 years.)

I planted the seed in my sister's mind that she should consider coming up to visit me, seeing as she has the whole week off, too.  She is smarter than me, and was able to find a decently priced plane ticket.  And I suggested that maybe, just maybe...she and I could spend a couple of days in Vancouver while she was here.  Vancouver holds a special place in both our hearts.  For no apparent reason.  Once we played one of our dumb list-making games during a long trip in the car.  One particular round's list was our top 3 vacation spots, and we both chose...Vancouver?

Staci and I have been on vacation to Canada together once before.  It was 2002, aka Wrestlemania XXIII.  We bought a WWF Travel Club package to go see Wrestlemania at the SkyDome in Toronto, and spent 3 days immersed in total WWF-itude.  It seemed appropriate to try to incorporate something wrestling-related into this trip to Vancouver, too, so that Staci could have the privilege and honor of saying that she attended wrestling matches every single time she ever set foot in Canada.  I set to work finding a regional wrestling alliance in the Vancouver area.

And lo and behold, I found Extreme Canadian Championship Wrestling!  And fortuitously, there are wrestling matches on December 26 when Staci will be here!  Tickets were only about $12, but of course I sprang for the $15 "FRONT ROW" seats.  No crappy Canadian wrestling match seats are too good for my sister!

Epilogue:

When I was buying the tickets, there was a typo in the PayPal checkout and "Extreme Canadian Championship Wrestling" was transformed into "Extremely Canadian Championship Wrestling."  I think I prefer that name.

Oh.  My.  God.  On the souls of all the VonErichs, what do I do, what do I do, what do I do??????



The WWF is hiring web analysts.

I am nanoseconds away from applying, just to say I did.

Apparently Hillary, Barack, and McCain are going to be on RAW tonight?



(1:44:46 PM) Andrew: id love to see hilary and mccain in the hell in the cell
(1:45:38 PM) halee: hmmm...what would their finishing moves be?
(1:45:49 PM) halee: hillary's must be the bronco buster.
(1:45:56 PM) Andrew: HAHA!
(1:46:05 PM) halee: and mccain's should be something patriotic...
(1:46:15 PM) Andrew: mccain with the shooting star press?
(1:46:19 PM) halee: perfect.
(1:46:28 PM) halee: and bob dole (although he has nothing to do with this)...
(1:46:32 PM) halee: would have to do the half nelson.
(1:46:36 PM) halee: not by choice.

My wonderful friend Amy gave me a very awesome Christmas present that I have neglected until recently.  She sent me a hardback copy of Terry Funk's autobiography with a personalized inscription from the man himself, blessing me and my zamily!!!  Behold!



I assumed that was a forgery, as her husband has inscribed book gifts to me in the past, usually with blessings from various people in our high school marching band.  But Amy assured me this was legit, and that she met the man himself!  I was ecstatic to have this in my personal library, but didn't commit myself to reading it until...

About a month ago, I received an unsolicited email from my friend Martin with the subject line "IMPORTANT (TERRY FUNK)".  In the message, he described a match that was "so powerful that after witnessing it I dropped to my knees and repeatedly punched myself in the privates (this is known as the "hardcore prayer")."  Here is that match:



It was clear that after seeing that, it was time to read the book.  As I read through it, I selected a golden excerpt from each chapter to share with Martin, who is clearly Terry's biggest fan.  Now I would like to share the goldenest of the golden excerpts with you:

• Chapter 4: Breaking In
  "Baron Von Raschke used to get his clawhold over with the people where he didn't even put it on his opponent.  He used to do a spot where he'd lunge with his claw, but his opponent would move, and Von Raschke would have to pry his clawhold off of the turnbuckle!  His clawhold grip was so strong that he couldn't make his own fingers let go of the turnbuckle!"
  
  
• Chapter 9: Losing Dory Funk
  "One time, we decided to try to help the promotion by getting some front-page publicity.  Our plan was to drive to the middle of the Sunshine Skyway Bridge, leave a note in the rental car and then leave the car there, as if I had jumped off the bridge.  Then we went home and I stayed in the bathtub for about four hours.  Once I was good and wrinkled, we drove out to the beach and I laid down at the edge of the coast, as if I'd washed up onto shore.  Hell, nobody came to my rescue!  I laid there for three or four hours and just got up, went home and forgot about it."
  
  
• Chapter 19: Working for Vince McMahon
  "Steele was feuding at the time with Nikolai Volkoff, a big Russian wrestler.  Here he was, the terrible, brutal Russian, doing all his power moves on his opponent.  And then, out of nowhere, here came a cartwheel!  He'd be working along, getting heat, and then out of the clear blue, he did a cartwheel.  It had nothing to do with the match."
  
  
• Any chapter involving Dusty Rhodes, as Terry includes all Dusty's quotes phonetically
• "Thay, Tewwy, I jutht dweem about a cah like thith thum day.  If I could jutht get a cah like thith, it would be tho f-f-fine!"
• "Tewwy, I been wukking fuh The Sheik!"
  
• "Damn, Jewwy, what wuth that?"
• "OK, Jewwy, let'th thoot thum duckth, but I don't want you methin' with the gun."
• "He'th thittin' back thayuh."
  
• "I'll go ahead and I'll climb up to the top rope before you can move, thinth you'll be down on the mat after I thlam you.  I'll graithfully FLY off the top rope and land on yo' body and cover you, one-two-three!"

Hulk Hogan.  Musicianship.  The two are virtually synonymous.  I was fortunate enough to happen upon his "Hulk Hogan and the Wrestling Boot Band" album, and I feel inclined to share it with you.

• Hulkster's in the House (mp3)
  Genre: Hard Rock
  Best lyric: "When the going gets tough, the tough get rough."
  Summary: A generic party anthem, presumably for a party full of weight-lifters who could actually move the house and/or remove its roof.
  
  
• Hulkster's Back (mp3)
  Genre: Synth Pop/Rap
  Best lyric: Spoken overlay of a Valley girl hitting on Hulk, who then challenges her to arm wrestle.
  Summary: The backup chorus is: "Hey, check out the pythons, baby!"  But the first time I heard this song I thought they were singing "Hey, check out the pinecones, baby!" and I was so confused.
  
  
• Wrestling Boot Traveling Band (mp3)
  Genre: Caribbean Adult Contemporary Soft Rock
  Best lyric: N/A
  Summary: Kinda like pro-wrestling's answer to Journey's "Faithfully."  If Jimmy Buffet were singing it at karaoke.  Wearing wrestling boots.
  
  
• Bad to the Bone (mp3)
  Genre: Hard Rock
  

  Best lyric: "Turn up the volume 'cuz we like to rock 'n roll, the girls all know that we're out of control."
  Summary: It's unclear if this is an ode to rock 'n roll... or motorcycles.  Song ends with a motorcycle vrooming by.  I haven't listened to it in stereo surround to confirm whether or not the vroom-vrooms go from left speaker to right like they do at the end of Motley Crue's "Girls, Girls, Girls."
  

  
  
  
• I Want to be a Hulkamaniac (mp3)
  Genre: Synth Pop/Rap
  

  Best lyric: "Always go swimming with a buddy, work real hard, and always study."
  

  Summary: A literal checklist of all the things you should do to be an effective Hulkamaniac (including taking your vitamins!), rapped to you by the Hulkster himself while a chorus of drones sings how you will "have fun with your family and friends."  20+ times.  In immediate succession.  I counted.
  
  
  
• Beach Patrol (mp3)
  Genre: Synth Pop/Rap
  

  Best lyric: "Saw a girl in trouble, a sticky situation.  She wanted me to give her mouth to mouth resuscitation."
  

  Summary: This is just a big mess of mixed styles, I don't even know where to start.  The synth-y intro sounds like the song that Julie Lloyd's cousin Arthur wrote for her to use in her floor exercise on "American Anthem."  Then the first part of the chorus says "We are the beach patrol..." in a voice like the lead singer from Cameo.  The second part of the chorus "We wanna party party party" sounds like En Vogue.  Then Hulk rips off "Whoomp, There It Is" but sings it "Whoops, there it is..." and on the last chorus makes Three Stooges "whoop-whoop-whoop" sounds?
  
  
  
• Hulk's the One (mp3)
  Genre: Adult Contemporary
  

  Best lyric: "My friends all tell me that you're bad to the bone, please be bad to me!"
  

  Summary:  A Pointer Sisters-esque ballad extolling the virtues of Hulk Hogan...in the romantic sense.  One verse has the line "you came on so strong" and I was disappointed they didn't turn this into some sort of wrestling pun, like "you came on so strong, but I countered with a suplex."
  
  
  
• Hulkster in Heaven (mp3)
  Genre: Gospel/Religious
  

  Best lyric: "I used to tear my shirt, but now you've torn my heart."
  

  Summary: An ode to some dead friend, and Hulk promises to "tag up" with them again.  In heaven.  Or ringside.  His narrative is not very consistent.
  
  
  
• Hulk Rules (mp3)
  Genre: Hard Rock
  Best lyric: "He knows that talk is cheap.  If you mess with the Hulkster, he'll rearrange your teeth."
  Summary: The song begins as a threat, explaining how the Hulkster will hurt you...then quickly changes to explain how he will protect you.  Then there is a saxophone solo.
  
  
  
• American Made (mp3)
  Genre: Hard Rock/Ford Truck Commercial Soundtrack
  Best lyric: "He's got the stars and stripes running through his veins."
  Summary: If the Hulk is such a fucking patriot, why did he always wear red and yellow...the colors of the communist regime?  Hmm, Hulk??
  
  

Wearing my Magnum TA shirt on Wear Your Worst T-Shirt to Work Day got me re-thinking about my life mission to collect as many vintage wrestling t-shirts as possible.  I will photodocument what I have currently and post later, but tonight I got sucked into eBay, doing searches on:

• One Man Gang
• Nick Bockwinkel
• Rick "The Model" Martel
• Brutus "The Barber" Beekcake
• The Midnight Express
• The Midnight Rockers
• The Midnight Rocker Express
• And the one where I managed to hit the jackpot, Barry Windham....
  

I'll be bidding on it tomorrow to try to swoop in before it exceeds $0.30.  Until then, I would like to share a story with you about Barry Windham.  Now, I'm not much of a songwriter, but at age 10 or so my sister and I penned a tune to commemorate Barry's loss of the NWA Western States Heritage Championship to Larry Zbyszko.  It went like this:

Barry lost to Larry.
So he went on a ferry.
Where he met a girl named Carrie.
And they were to marry.
And they had a kid named Jerry.
And another one named Terry.
And another one named Gary.
And another one named Harry.
And another one named Perry.
And they named their dog after Larry.
And they were so very...
Fond of dairy...
Products.

Later I will share our R-rated rap about the Four Horseman.

This cannot be real.  Ric Flair Finance?  Which uses the Figure 4 Process? 

1. Select the type of loan
2. Complete the application
3. Submit the application
4. Get the loan

P.S. Don't bother looking up tullyblanchardfinance.com, arnandersonfinance.com, or barrywindhamfinance.com.